October 2 - A Day That Lives In My Personal Infamy

 

But first, yesterday.  I had a follow up with my surgeon.  Not a great day.  After surgery....My people who were there for that and cognizent of the surgeon's post surgery talk all told me he said there was still a tumor that would need to be addressed as some point.   That message was relayed to me when I was able to understand.  But....during his discharge talk to me I asked about that and he walked it back saying he didn't say that, he consulted with his surgical notes and said "nope, I got everything I was after."  Well, guess what?  Apparently, he did not. This has a been the source of the internal bleeding that I have dealt with throughout chemo.  I literally do not know how to deal with this.  It was a Debbie Downer of a day.  He also said I need to start radiation sooner rather than later in "hopes" of getting this nasty little traveller.  And.......that my neuropathy is so severe he cannot say with any confidence it will get better.  Given my already huge challenges personally and otherwise, none of this "made my day."

And not going to lie....it makes the next month even harder for me to journey.  You see 1 year ago, we were dealing with what we thought was a simple dislocated shoulder on my husband.  After 2 weeks of nattering with our local VA clinic, we finally opted to go to the big clinic in NWA.  But, honestly if locally they had been "listening" we could have saved ourselves a lot of time, heartache and pain for our whole family.

Because, my husband's shoulder was the very least of his problems.  Turns out he was literally eaten up with cancer that we could have dealt with in a much more peaceful and quiet manner.....at home...in hospice....with ease of family access and love.  We didn't get that.  We got the knee jerk reactionary responses to each new wrinkle being served up....a wild ambulance drive down the mountain and a few days to cram in a lifetime of "I love yous", "I'm sorries", and "I will do what you ask of me's."  All done in too short a time with too much urgency and sadness.  A year.  It has gone quickly and agonizingly painfully slow all at the same time.  Never a moment my husband's absence is not noticeable....ever.  Never a day my tears don't fall from the sheer weight of missing his strength and assurance in my life.  Never a minute I don't think "oh, I need to call Roger and tell him.....". 

Right now, my life is on a tipping point.  I have no idea how to manage this.  I have some people I try really hard not to "use" but it becomes harder and harder to figure out every day when life keeps serving up steaming platters of challenges that I am quickly losing the bandwidth to deal with or even care about.  I am trying so hard to be positive and look at brighter pictures.  But, today....October 2 is the harbinger of everything that went swirling down the sewer a year ago and hasn't stopped yet.  It appears the real challenges of life for me right now will be how to maintain some semblance of the life I have opposed to the one I seem to be forced to live.

So, today....this is my struggle, my challenge and my life.  I will crawl out of this hole, the same way I crawled out of every day over the past 3 to 4 months short term and 12 months long term.  But prayers it will take in abundance and a renewed leaning in on God with the understanding that my life is ultimately His and He will reclaim it when He is ready.  His will is always perfect and perfect in His timing.

May you all have good days ahead and may you feel the prayers I say for you daily.  God knows you too....reach for Him....His hand is already there.

Love and Light from a longer tunnel. - Lavetta

Cold Socks, Short Walks and Not Much Small Talk

Par for the course...Day 3 proved to be "move-in" day for joint pain and neuropathy overload.  I am wanting to say that this time doesn't seem quite as bad this time but I'm crossing fingers and toes (not really - that isn't even remotely possible)....just in case.

I'm utilizing the cold socks, trying to stay off my feet as much as possible and staying ahead of that pain in the joints to the best of my ability.  But, it takes some focus, therefore I'm not much of a communicator right now.  I sleep.....alot.

I have a fluid infusion this week so I'm hoping I am up to making the trip for that because those usually help me quite a bit.  

Things here are rolling as well as can be expected.  Dogs are happy....they like their Aunt Janet and she keeps them engaged with.  I'm no fun right now....don't I know it?

So, this is just a quickie from the sickie to let you know it's going per the usual cancer wise....and I'm hoping this is the slidin' into home for this part.  But....meanwhile.....let's talk about this:

After we allowed Jessie to acquire us, it was apparent she was no ordinary dog.  The dog was brilliant...there was nothing she couldn't learn.  She had the ability to turn the most random things into games that she insisted all humans participate in.  She was an amazing frisbee dog and I'm guessing Roger must have thrown that frisbee a few million times.  She was a "show off" for sure.

But, we took her to obedience classes....you have to have some control on an animal that smart.  She graduated 2 weeks early....this is her graduation photo.  

My fond memory today is trips with Jessie and my favorite guy.  If Roger and I had a child together....it was Jessie.

Have a blessed week....be kind and remember somewhere there is someone who could use a little more of the good in life.  Be grateful for what you have....take nothing for granted....even our challenges are gifts wrapped up in crappy paper.  Tear them open and look for the soft centers.

 

Short Trips - No Slips

Following past treatments' time line, today was a fairly good day so we crammed the morning with minor errands and then came home to rest.

I finally went and got all my little whispy random left behind hair strands buzzed off (since chemo is done).  Now I look like a cue ball.

Then we attended the Grand Opening of 5 Sip'N Sisters lovely little tea shoppe in Greenwood.  I do not have words to describe how much I want success for this family of hard working little boss chicks.  No one deserves it more or will work harder for it.  They also are "give bakers"  with support for their community and great love and support for their friends and customers.  Go get a big chunk of life girls!  They are at #6 Town Square in Greenwood, AR.

Bought some stuff at the grocery for beef and noodles tomorrow.  And had to visit a hardware store.  Anyone have a solution for an invasion of frogs and toads.  The above ground swimming pool swamp next door sounds like the Okefenokee Swamp.  And they seem to love to camp out on my patio now.  If it isn't birds trying to nest, it's big giant green frogs.  Ughd!

Then this tired old body laid down for a rest and woke up 4 hours later.  But I managed my trip without being terribly unsteady on my feet, but I can feel neuropathy and joint pain approaching the door.  Soon they will knock and come inside and some pretty harsh days will follow.  But, I've survived 5 of these weeks....I can and WILL survive this one too.  I am grateful my sister is here to look after my boys and fetch and carry stuff for me.  I try very hard to not over work her...she's pretty little....and I'm a lot.

This week will be a no work for me....just resting, sleeping, complaining and being cranky.  I have a consult with the radiation doctor on the 8th so I guess the next phase is forthcoming shortly.  I have previously requested those be done here in Fort Smith as they are daily for a month and I'm not into going up the mountain every day.  There are plenty of trips up there already for follow ups etc.  I am so hoping that radiation will not be as intense as chemo was....I've been told it is better....so we pray that is true.

Today, I remember the day I married my husband.  It was a "3rd time is the charm" situation for us both.  Between us we had 6 children...only 2 out of high school.  It was a truly a God sent proposition.  We knew each other....had lived in the same town, he coached my son's baseball team.  I had been a home room mother for one of his boys.  But one day we found our single solitary selves gassing up at the same C-Store that neither of us typically frequented.  I gave him my number and told him to call me some time.  He didn't.  And I forgot.  Then one day my phone rang and it was him, we made a date for that night.  After that night we were rarely apart.  We navigated some pretty ugly water during our marriage.  But, we were always rowing in the same direction....to try to get to calmer shores and safer depths.  We knew everything about each other....there were no secrets held.  The trust was hard built but once it was....it was deep and steady.  We had tiffs, we ran away...but always ran back faster.  He was my heart beat and his last text message to me said "you are the very air I breathe."  That was enough.  He was the finest person I have ever known and I miss him every second of every day.  But I am so glad he has been spared this illness of mine.  Because he hated for anyone he loved to be sick and he would worry himself too much with it.  Here we are on our wedding day....our friend Tom Hughes took our wedding pictures and I love that they are "vintage" black and whites.  It fits.

"So they are no longer two, but one flesh.  Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."

                                                                    -Matthew 19:6

                                            "There'll never be anyone else, for me, but you."

 

Accomplishments We Celebrate and Other Events

 

Video is a bit blurry...it lost some resolution in transfer but hopefully it does reflect my excitement at this milestone moment of my journey.  I realize I still have a ways to go which will hopefully be better and less traumatic going forward.  Here is your's truly ringing the bell that signifies the end of my chemo treatments.  Now to get through the post treatment side effects and a return to function for my hands and feet.

I didn't post pictures of some of my favorite new friends in the Infusion Suite because I didn't get their permission to do so but they were there clapping and helping me celebrate.  These people won't mind me sharing their pictures.  Just a small part of my great support unit.

My wonderful friends Clay and Susan Pruitt.  Susan is also a cancer survivor and has been a great source of inspiration and advice.  Clay is simply Clay...Johnny on the spot with help of any kind.  Grateful for them!

And my little sister to whom has fallen the task of dealing with me for the last two chemo treatment's post week stress.  Super thankful for her....she's put her whole life on hold to help.

I've learned a lot over the course of this treatment.  About myself, about other people, about this illness and treatment and how to manage all of it.  I can honestly say, I did this exactly the way I wanted to.  I took other people's advice and suggestions on board and thought on them and ultimately did what I believed was right for me, my cancer and my treatment and hopefully my recovery long term.  I am grateful I chose Highland in NWA for this portion of my path....they were universally kind, compassionate and loving toward everyone I saw in treatment.  They truly were 100% positive experiences from beginning to end.

I maintained my desire to always show up for appointments and treatments looking the best I possibly could.  I wanted to hopefully offer a gentler picture of what we were all struggling with because frankly, my first appointment scared me stupid.  People just looked so very very sick, so hopeless and frail.  I hope by greeting people with a cheery greeting, bright clothing, and a smiling face wearing makeup it took me forever to apply, someone's day was made a little better.

With you all, I've been more real.  I showed you the misery of post treatment days, I've been honest with you about the ups and downs and I've hopefully shown you than leaning into God was pivotal in my journey.  I know the strength to carry through to the end came solely from his Divine Mercy and Eternal Love for this miserable child of His.....I can do nothing without Him.  And I am drawing ever nearer because this next month is going to be a personal hell for me.  Reliving the events of a year ago when I lost my heart beat that walked through life with me is going to be very tough.  I am going to try to spend the days from October 2 through October 23 reliving happy moments in my marriage to Roger.  So this blog will be a twofer going forward.  It will update on the cancer journey and it will also talk about my magnificent husband and things we experienced in our journey together.  I hope you don't mind.

In closing, I spent the first half of today doing a follow up fluid infusion and will likely do another on Monday if I can make the trip up the mountain.  But this was today, I'm not as excited as I was yesterday....because I'm tired.  I ran on sheer adrenaline all yesterday and couldn't sleep last night.  But it's been a good day today and I think for dinner I'm getting hot dogs and ice cream.  A girl can ask for little else.

Things I've learned: Never set your purse in a sink that has a sensor to activate the water flow.  I've done this twice now and flooded my purse.  But do I learn?  Apparently.....no.

"The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy" - Psalm 126:3

The Short Rows

In farming, completing the short rows signals that the overall work in the field is almost finished.

In looking for a "hook" for these final days running up to the completion of chemotherapy I could find nothing more appropriate to use.

Next week will bring about Round 6 and what has been promised to be the end of the slow poisoning of my entire being.

Were we successful?  We still don't know and I'm not entirely sure if we ever will.  All I know is that like the farmers in my DNA I rolled the dice on having a good outcome with some time left over at the end to fulfill whatever purpose God has for me here.

My doctors appointment Tuesday brought some lifting of my spirits as we discussed ways to hopefully make this round a little less traumatic.  Each time I speak with a medical professional about this process I learn things.  Being the age I am I was taught to trust and respect authority and vast education so most of my life I've just kept silent and put myself into supposedly wiser better hands.  That is not always the case that is best.  

We are all individuals with different neurons firing, different levels of tolerance and a lot of variables in our situations that make our experiences unique to just us.

Tuesday, I learned that I should be worn completely out.  I ought to be so tired I feel like I could just lay down and slip away.  I am severely anemic and there's nothing that can be done right now.  Chemo is a killer and it kills without caring about good things vs bad things.  It just poisons.  I've struggled with the neuropathy throughout the whole process and it turns out my reactions in this regard aren't usual either.  Perhaps this was my tit for tat for not ever having a nauseous moment.  Big gratitude for this, for sure!

But, none of us were ready for me having such a radical diminishing in my ability to walk, or use my hands.  Even my worsening eyesight is a nasty little gift from peripheral neuropathy.  And, right at the moment, I feel more like a seriously disabled person than anything else.  Unsteady, teetering around, feet like unresponsive anchors tethering me to the ground, hands that can't perform simple small tasks and an exhaustion level that makes the act of getting dressed almost more than I can think about.

Because these issus are so profound they once again are going to adjust down the level of one of the chemo drugs known to cause neuropathy (the last adjustment didn't work), but fingers crossed for this one.  They are also building into my treatment schedule for Round 6 every other day infusions of fluids if I think those might help.  And, I have to say, those drips do often pull me back from the abyss....so, again....hopefully optimistic.

I face this final round with more than a little dread but I still find hope that this time won't be as bad as last time.  I have a baby sitter on board to stay with me throughout the week following because the difference that made last round was HUGE!  Not having to deal with the the everyday little household jobs was life saving for me.  But I do hate that I have been forced to be so dependent on anyone....but that too, is learning for me....and humbling.

Mentally, I am trying to hold it together as I walk into this anniversary of losing the one person who could have held me safe throughout this time.  I have missed him so badly...but sometimes I hear his cliched phrases "we'll get through this, we always do", "don't worry....everything is going to be fine" and "you are always beautiful to me" and I'm comforted.  This illness is lonely and isolating.  It is also uncomfortable and sad.  But, in many ways it is also beautiful because especially here in the short rows of this toxic little farm you see the true character of people.  You see beautiful hearts you never expected.  Visits from long ago friends, door dashed meals, or home cooked offerings, the care of my little dogs, the rides to and from appointments, the Sunday afternoons on the lake just soaking in nature, the little gifts, the BIG gifts, the messages, the calls, the guys at work that walk around specifically to hug my neck and ask if I need anything.  People these are huge!

I don't appreciate the word "struggle" when it refers to me, but I've had to admit that I have struggled some with certain aspects of this journey.  I don't know if there's a end to that....time will tell.  I do know that I have changed and I honestly think it has been for the better.  I've never been weak or helpless but I have found out I am stronger than I ever realized I was.  I've also realized that my strength is not Me-Made.  I turned everything over to God.  If it needs fixing, I just need to allow Him to step between me and whatever the challenge is.  I said at the beginning, I'm not driving this car....at this point I'm not even walking this road on my own feet.  As mine falter, God leans in and keeps me standing.  And He has made sure that He positioned the right people in places of genuine need.  His wisdom amazes me.

So....pray for those I've always asked it for, and pray for those who stand ready here to help during this last hurrah.  Pray, I get to ring that bell and celebrate an end to this phase of row cropping and that somewhere out there is some brilliant mind who may tomorrow shout "Eureka!  I've found a cure!"

"The Lord is the strength of His people, a fortress of salvation for His anointed One.  Save your people and bless your inheritance: be their shepherd and carry them forever." -Psalm 28: 8-9

But this......please know you are not lost....God knows exactly where you are and he's reaching for your hand.

 

Battlefields

Not exactly cancer related things swirling today but things I am dealing with on the down low in spite of my self.

Our thoughts, our feelings, our inner little ticklings that make us human don't go missing because we are ill.  Nooooo, those little things set themselves on fire (maybe in a genuine attempt to distract us) or maybe just to simply make things worse.

Suddenly, in the midst of every bit of energy we should be bringing to being and doing better gets a big fat dose of "hey, how about this?" "why do you thiink this is happening?"  "what did YOU do that caused this?"  And there we go, now we aren't getting better, we are making ourselves worse.

The ultimate answer to these questions is.....nothing.  You, me and we are all human.  Capable of human mistakes, errors in judgement, thoughtless words and deeds at time.  In short, we are just like everyone else....we are ourselves.  And without the tolerance and forebearance of others (who are also only themselves) we would never recover from the affliction of simply being US.

This was a big revolving door opening onto a subject pretty prevalent in my mind right now.  The death of Charlie Kirk.  I was born in 1950....so if you are interested, you can track the timeline of my life and find for yourself the pivotal happenings on a global stage that I know about personally.  Things that hit hard, things I knew in that place between my ears were going to profoundly effect the trajectory of a lot of lives.  Most are not good events.  They are devastating, tragic, and frightingly evil.  Evil perpetuated on the young, the weak, the sick, the helpless, the old and the innocent.....those cry out for justice.  As a society we will be judged for how we deal with those unable to adequately care for and defend themselves.  And let me be clear here.....your "feelings" don't marginalize you....feelings are fickle and can change.  And I'm finding more and more that people who live inside their "feelings" are rarely happy and content because feelings lie to us.  And they lie most when we aren't at our best.

An assassination of a man who was known for encouraging open dialog with people who rabidly disagreed with him was abhorrent to me.  I've seen his words, cherry picked from bigger pieces to frame justification for why some simply "didn't like him."  What I always found odd, was he actually liked the people he debated.  His big open face and demeanor telegraphed his interest in finding a worthy opponent to hopefully find a common ground with.  These are people who we should "like", they aren't shutting down free speech or even rational free thought.  What they try to do is move us from feelings to those 6 inches between our ears where we can throw ice water on the feelings and actually "think."

I do know with 100% of my being that Charlie Kirk slipped the earthly tether and was immediately welcomed into the arms of the One who loved him most.  And, I pray that we, as a society, can take some lessons from his life here.  To stop communicating via email, text message (cold and impersonal) and sit in front of people with our issues, see their eyes, hear their voices....(tone and content matter, people.)  Be willing to engage someone you care about (personally), get out of your own feelings and "think".  It is hard.....it is hard to apologize, it's hard to admit you were wrong....even harder to set aside your own legitimate reasons for why you "feel" you were right.  Is being right worth losing an actual person over?  Really?  I can't think of a single person I can afford to lose in my life right now and yet I sense a slipping away during a time I am running on empty.  I can barely run...chasing is impossible.

Where do I go with this.  I'm going where Charlie went.  I'm going to God and asking for clarity on where my life is heading and how do I want to move forward.  With a directive from what I know God says, or a directive from my own "feelings" which aren't the same today as they were yesterday.  This is how I know I have to put God as my compass....because my feelings right now endanger me.  Only my faith keeps movement in my feet to move on....I have to go where God takes me.  I know good people, kind people who are building images of who I want to be in my heart and mind.  They make me feel for sure but they also challenge thought.  How can they be this generous with themselves when they have been through far more than I have?  Well, that might be how.  They were cast into the fires of inexplicable things and came out burnished pure gold.

In closing, I leave this....suddenly remembering a little group of children I had the pleasure of bringing this lesson to in Vacation Bible School...the component on whole armour of Christ.decades ago.  They enjoyed this, I enjoyed it.  They loved making the components of the Whole Armour of God and donning each separate piece day by day until they were "ready."  It means so much more to me now than it did then and I pray I was able to teach it well and that in some place they remember it too.

Ephesians 6 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.

2 Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise;
3 That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.
4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
5 Servants, be obedient to them that are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ;
6 Not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but as the servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart;
7 With good will doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men:
8 Knowing that whatsoever good thing any man doeth, the same shall he receive of the Lord, whether he be bond or free.
9 And, ye masters, do the same things unto them, forbearing threatening: knowing that your Master also is in heaven; neither is there respect of persons with him.
10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.
11 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.
12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;
15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:
18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;
19 And for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make known the mystery of the gospel,
20 For which I am an ambassador in bonds: that therein I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.
21 But that ye also may know my affairs, and how I do, Tychicus, a beloved brother and faithful minister in the Lord, shall make known to you all things:

Today I am going to spend some time in nature, by a lake with people who care about me.....today will be a good day.  Because today....I am in the right battlefield.

Turn The Page

 One at a time....slowly....one can't jump chapters without losing the depth of knowledge found in every. single.word.

The hell of post chemo round 5 is coming down to its' last few words for me.  It wasn't an easy week, but it was a week of deep reflection, soul searching, and opening up places inside of myself I like to hide in.

Those places are named capabability, self-reliance, competence, mental acuity, strength, resilience and bravery.

Turns out....I am really none of those things.  At the core of my being I am a helpless and frail human being right now in need of a lot of help.

After Round 4 brought me to the lowest personal point I have been to thus far in this journey, I had to have a very harsh talk with myself about not being able to ride this program to the end without a week of someone being here in the house with me.  The ravages neuropathy take on my hands, feet, and legs are scary.  Creeping around my house on feet that feel nothing is daunting....but you want....and NEED to keep your legs working because I can tell you, they will decide they don't want to do business with you any longer.  I had to talk myself into the fact there was no shame in pain relief medications because being asleep is your ultimate friend.  And I also had to beat down pride and say "I need help, and specifically I need this....(and lay it out.)"  That was hard for me, I am very aware of the time, schedule and just everyday life issues that make it hard for people to actually commit to something that isn't remotely fun....or easy.

It is hard to watch someone hurt....it's crushing to be blessed/cursed with compassion for others because you so badly want to help and there is often nothing....NOTHING you can do except be there.  Be there knowing you are likely going to get your feelings hurt, your toes stepped on....all for being present.  This past 10 days that job fell to my sister.  It wasn't a convenient time for her....she has her own things happening....everyone does.  But she showed up and she never left.  I made her cry...not on purpose, we had words a time or two...but we rode it out together and we made it to today.

Today, I sent her home to her own place in hopes someone will take care of her the way she took care of me.  She deseves it.  I am very grateful for the time she gave me....to rest, to heal, to not worry.

Things I've learned....Look into Georgia Hair Solutions and Salon.  That woman has a passion for women dealing with hair loss of all kinds.  She has better looking and better fitting wigs than most I've seen.  Look her up on Facebook, the stories she shares are inspirational.  Look her up!  I have also learned that the people who show up for you are often not the ones you expected to find there.  This week I have been blessed with food deliveries....and some wonderful human being gifted me a brand new fridge!  I have no idea how these things will ever be paid forward or back even but I intend to try.  At the end of this journey I hope I find my hands open to give instead of receive.  I want to put good energy into the world by being the actual authentic version of myself that some people refuse to see.  Instead of emulating people who simply don't care, I want to care deeply, honestly and openly and at the end of whatever life is left I want to be a person that could be counted on....no matter what....to be there in a need.

Tell your stories, be brave with your heart and your health.  Understand people need to know and you are the only one who can tell YOUR story....the right way.  Most of all....carefully turn the pages....read each one and re-read them if you must.  Be real....be raw.....be honest with yourself and others.   Our journeys aren't the same but they are on parellel tracks heading in the same direction....winning!  We will falter but we will rise and move on again beause we must...the other option isn't one I wish to entertain.

There is still light shining at the end of the tunnel.