Slowly Moving Up

Last Thursday marked my 4th chemo treatment.  It was a late appointment and a long day but it happened and now I am counting down to 2 more of these left to go.  Then the month long radiation treatments set in and I have not given them much thought yet.  I am more of a do this day kind of person.  I find if I look too far ahead I tend to stress over things that might not need that much attention.

Yesterday, right on time, neuropathy entered the building.  It seems to not be quite as bad this time but I won't lie....this part is the part that is the worst for me.  Given the fact that I already had a knee that needed work done, having anything else "iffy" in my lower extremities is very unsettling for me.  I don't like being "creaky".  Plus, this time I've had some swelling in my feet and lower legs so there's new meds introduced AGAIN.  Everything comes with a parting gift you know.

Today, I travel to Rogers, AR to see a neuropathy specialist.  This will be fun for him with me in the throes of unrelenting pain in my feet.  But, my hope is he has some help that doesn't involve more meds....maybe exercises or heat/cold therapy (more of this because I already utilize these pretty heavily).  Or a better way of doing things.

Taking my mind off my own issues is Ozzie who doesn't seem to be feeling well.  He's the elder statesman in my home and such a good little dog.  He doesn't want to be anywhere he can't see me and he's not eating like he should.  I have to leave my boys at the boarders for a while today for this trip and I hate being gone from them (especially Oz)  right now.  O doesn't see too well or hear too well these days and I'm sure he's more than a little frightened with his loss of senses.

Emotionally, I'm a bit of a mash up right now.  I feel like a giant burden to a whole lot of people simply because I'm not used to having to be done for.  And, I also have plotted my own path that is easiest for me over the course of the past year and that doesn't always work out best for people who have to step up for me.  I'm quickly approaching a very sad anniversary in my life and I would like to be in better fighting shape for that.  It's hard to think about and it will be harder to roll through.

But....enough of the morose.  Today has dawned and I'm still in the day moving forward and moving up.  Four out of six behind me....two remain.  If I've survived 4 surely 2 more will be a walk in the park.

As you fight your own battles, try to remember to not fight yourself.  You have to do what is best for you because no one else is feeling what you feel....no matter how much they might care or try to understand....this fight is your fight and only you know what it's like.  Be good to yourself.....be as kind as you can but don't be afraid to not knuckle under....it's okay to stand your ground.
 

"Second Verse (or fourth)...Same as the First"

 I hope you read that title with your best British accent!  But now I feel the need to research if Herman's Hermits were a "one hit wonder" band.  My good friend John Ross would know without having to hit a keystroke.

Buuuut....this post has nothing to do with Henry the 8th.  But everything to do with repetitious days and weeks in treatment for the b*$*h cancer.

Today was my 4th treatment.  If you are keeping track (and I am) this means I have 2 more of these to go.  Given the history of the first 3 I can almost map out how this is going to go with a few changes.  But let us talk about today.

First, my appointment today was at 10:45 am....that is a late appointment in my eyes.  We did the usual labs (thank you Darling Daughter for urging the "port").  Then I had a consult with my oncologist where I ask my questions about the things they found in the CT scan I had last Friday.  He was pretty unconcerned as he said those things can happen and that is why he likes to take a "look see" every now and then.  He put me on a blood thinner for the small clot in my lung and said the nodule in my upper abdomen was a lymph node and that those can change in size and appearance from multiple factors such as fighting off infections, etc.  So, we watch.

After consult it was off to the infusion suite where I waited probably 1/2 an hour to get all gassed up and running.  But those nurses are so very very kind you simply cannot be put out with them.  But all in all it was a very long day.  We didn't get home until after 7.  Kaylee, myself and 2 nurses shut down the building today.  We were all pretty done in.  I have to be back up there at 11:30 tomorrow morning to get that shot that helps my WBC.  Then I go on Monday to see a neuropathy specialist.  That should be fun for him because by Monday I will be a screaming idiot with my feet and hands, particularly since they have never made it all the way back from Round 3.

I saw my new friend Cathy today and she has lost all of her beautiful hair.  She had long salt and pepper hair and still had some when I saw her during Round 3, but today it is gone.  But I was so excited to see her sporting a cute little newsboy cap with big dangly earrings and she just looked beautiful.  She is becoming!  Her sweet husband was right there by her side and I am so glad she has that support!  He is becoming too.  Pray for them both please.  And Debbie and Shane, and Debbie F, and J and J....and the cute little couple in the corner today.  They were so cute I couldn't be mad he was occupying the chair I prefer (but when he left I totally moved into it.)  They were interesting....she had a wild and cute little rock star hair do and was wearing yoga pants with a tank top that revealed a bunch of tats.  When I walked up and asked about the chair (not in the corner) "is someone using that chair?"  "You are" she said with a big smile.  I wanted to ask her to be my friend.  Her partner there looked kind of "corporate" - not what I would have picked out of a crowd to be hers.  But their interaction was affectionate, funny and light hearted.  I just loved them and told him when he left that I was moving into his chair because that was "my spot."  He laughed.

So, next week will be rough.  Neuropathy has me deeply embedded in its day planner by now and I will be using all tools at my disposal to try to merely outlast it because to date I have found nothing that helps significantly.  I so hope the damage isn't permanent because if it is my hobby life is going to die a painful death with projects left unfinished.

I wore my hat with attached hair today but I took a soft little head cover to wear during treatment.  I posted this not great photo to do a little make-up tutorial.  See those deep red circles around my eyes?  Well, here's a little trick to make them look a little better.  We should all have this in our make-up drawer.  You can find it in the cosmetic section of any store...and Amazon has everything.  I put a little stripe of this on the palm of my hand and then put my foundation next to it.  I mix a dot of foundation with a bit of the green using a make-up sponge and then dab it on the red circles.  Don't get too heavy handed with the green or you'll look really sick and might make people think you're contagious.  Let that little combo sit for a little and then do your foundation on the rest of your face.  And just so you know I knew this trick BEFORE Amber Heard made make-up courtesy of the color wheel famous.  I went to Pringle Elementary and we had fabulous art classes there.  The color wheel and I are old friends.  Green neutralizes red....and there you go!  Now, I'm feeling like the Father in My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

This was a loooog day, tomorrow will be too.  And next week will likely be a booger, but I'm giving it up to God.  I fully believe He doesn't want me to suffer with no good result.  So, I will do my part, I will use my tools, I will pray and I will have faith.  And.....I WILL mark the days of next week off of a calendar in a wide black marker and be grateful when each one passes by.

And now, for your listening pleasure? I give you Herman's Hermits.  And they were not a one hit wonder band.  My favorite has always been There's a Kind of Hush.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFNoDsOmluA&list=RDFFNoDsOmluA&start_radio=1

Love and Light - Peace and Hair Grease from one child of the 60s to all of you wherever you are and whenever you came to be.  There is healing in music, there is healing in remembering and most of all there is healing in forgiving and believing. - Lavetta

Just Checking In

It's been a minute since I checked in.  Perhaps, I was giving you time to recover from the whole "underpants in the street" debacle.  Or, maybe......I've needed a minute to process some stuff on my own.

Whichever reason works for you, works for me.  However, I was pretty busy last week as I was able to work all 5 work days.  Challenging because the feeling has still not returned to my fingertips which means my keyboarding skills resemble a chicken wearing boxing gloves....but I managed....maybe not as speedy as I'd like but I will take even the tiny little wins.

I thought I was having a mid-treatment PET scan last week which turned out to be a CT scan.  And.....they discovered a small blood clot in one of my lungs so now I have to make friends with blood thinners to hopefully get that little booger put to bed.  They also discovered a "nodule" (they called it) in my upper abdomen.  This is the most concerning to me as prior to surgery one of those masses had migrated upward into that area.  We thought everything had been addressed during surgery, now I think I need more answers.  Those answers will hopefully come Thursday when I present myself for my 4th round of chemo.

I never look forward to chemo but this round fills me with a bit of dread since the last one proved to be pretty daunting.  Delayed reactions that were worse than ever before were pretty hard to endure and no one can really help you with those....you just have to grin and bear it.....or stick your face in a pillow and screams oilfield profanity (which seems to work best for me.)  I do pray a lot as well.  Today, my feet are quite a bit better, the pain in my joints has subsided but my hands and fingers are problematic and make me wonder if all of my hobbies will need to be rehomed at the end of this journey.  I'm not sure I will ever be able to do needle work of any kind again.

Now for some products that have helped me (pictures included).  But first, if you plan on ordering a wig and there are some really good ones out there.  Please measure your head.  Honestly, I never knew that I have such a tiny head until I got the wig I ordered and apparently it was ordered from a site that caters to drag queens or there are some women out there with some big old thinking melons.  That thing is huge....it's very pretty....but I cannot wear it.  Soooooo, I'll be renting that one out for Halloween parties this year.

This has become my "go to" head cover.  I got it from Amazon and it comes in several hair colors and limited cap colors, but the cap part is adjustable.  The hair is fixed in the cap (not removable).

These are life saving for Neuropathy.  Put them on, elevate your feet and knees and find some relief.  They don't stay cold very long so having more than one pair is a good idea.  I got mine through my OTC credits with my Medicare plan but you can also get them from Amazon.  (cold therapy socks)

Compression socks can also help and neuropathy socks do to some degree as well.  

And....if hydration seems to be your nemesis, these little packets are really good for that issue.  Both of these flavors are great but the Golden Cherry is my personal favorite.  I have been told it's best to not do too many of them in a day as they can cause kidney stones.  Everything has a parting gift you know and it's never a new car or $50k.  It's always a nasty little present we don't want to unwrap.

So, as we enter into next week please continue to pray for those previously mentioned and I've added a few others to the list  J and J I am praying for you and asking others to do so as well.  We are all running a marathon which isn't great for me....I was always more of a sprinter.  But, with God's help, the prayers of all our friends and the ability to find funny moments to lift our spirits along the way....we can win the race.  We may come out the other side looking different than we went in, but the essence of who we are will still remain.  We can and will grow new hair, we can buy new clothes that fit, we can learn to navigate more safely in our changed bodies but who we are can be a testament to what we believe and the One that formed us.  I fully have faith, God did not form us to suffer and lose....He formed us to triumph and give Him the glory and praise for bringing us through the battle.  We are an army of sorts and we don't have to be quiet about it.  This disgnosis sucks but it doesn't have to suck the spirit out of us.  Let us strive to be overcomers with grit....if we stumble along the way, may we pick ourselves up and go again.  

Love and Light Always from me to you.

 

Show Me The Funny

There's been quite a lot of doom, gloom, poor pitiful me, and just plain old griping and complaining lately.  I have always been someone who tries to find funny moments to hook onto....and most of them are aimed at me.  Why?  Because I try not to make fun of other people's misfortune, but have never been afraid to let fly at myself

Most of you have been around for the stuck on top of the fence saga, the wet my pants after being attacked by a high pressure water hose and the locked out in 40 degree weather in a t-shirt and underwear.  In short...I could probably quit my job and sell my life as a pretty entertaining reality series.  Something happened yesterday that just may make #1 on my personal hit parade of unfortunate events.  I've thought about it and finally decided that there is little about myself that should embarrass me at this point especially when my hair looks something like this.....well, really....not even that good.

My dogs love going out in the front yard early in the morning.  For the most part this is okay, but they do have a "see people, run to people" response.  Yesterday was such a day.  It was early...I was wearing a gown, a housecoat, no shoes and sleeping underwear.  The underwear weren't sleeping, I wear them when I am.  Because....they are not confrontational....no pinching no binding.   Anyway, I am barely walking at this point....like a brand new toddler teetering through life on unsteady, traitorous feet.

Suddenly, a very attractive lady comes strolling up the street.  I see her...they do not.  Well, not yet.  But, then they do and we are off.  They reach her waaay before I do but I am in lukewarm pursuit.  By the time I get there, they have lost interest in her and found new passions another house further away...I'm still following.  The nice lady has paused her walk to try to help me wrangle the juvenile offenders but they are not interested in what she wants or what I want and they keep on leading me further away from safety.

I don't feel it happening, but suddenly........my bright turquoise friendly underwear has simply decided that life is no longer worth living and has given up the fight.  Heaven forbid, it make this decision inside the house....no no....it passes away right in the middle of the street and falls dead at my feet.

Fan-freaking-tastic!  That poor lady looked at me and a hundred emotions ran across her face like a badly edited film.  Finally, she said "oh honey, what can I do to help you?"  "Oh nothing.....maybe forget where I live....or speak of this to no one."  (all the while knowing that yes, yes, I will tell this on myself....because quite frankly....it's the best thing that has happened to me in several days.

But, do I run the risk of flashing the neighborhood by hauling them back up into a place they have deliberately chosen to leave....or do I simply step out of them, retrieve them and dispose of them?  I chose the latter.

Holding my 10 lb little Sawyer dog under one arm and waving my underwear at Ozzie to drive him home, we made it back into the house at which point I tossed the panties, had a talk about respecting the boundaries of the concrete in the front yard with the dogs and set about the rest of my day, one pair of unmentionables lighter.

Now that I am thinking about it....maybe they really were "sleeping" underwear and they just fell asleep at the worst moment....but now they forever sleep...but not with the fishes or in the street.

I hope this made you laugh....it's okay if you also question my sanity....I do so on the daily.

Signing off now - Captain Underpants

 

Even Mine

All the time, God is good....God is good....all the time.  Today has been a better day.  Not one without issues, but definitely one that has been manageable.

I was able to do my laundry, change my sheets, cook dinner for myself and even managed to throw the duckie for Sawyer until he was ready to stop.

So.....I'm counting this as winning today.

Apparently, the delay in reactions is going to make them last a couple of days longer and make them more intense so these are things I need to prepare myself for.  Bring on the Biofreeze, more cold socks, maybe an elevating wedge for my feet and legs.  By the time this is all said and done, I will have a store house of "things" to outfit the best dressed chemo patient.

Also, I have been awake today more than I've been asleep so that is good news as well.  Perhaps I will be able to show up and be a productive person for my employer tomorrow.  Fingers crossed, one day at a time and all those tried and true cliches.

This Friday, I have to have another PET scan so I would ask for specific prayers for that outcome....I sure don't want to light up like a brand new Christmas tree on that scan.

One thing I'm giving myself props for is that I have managed to ride out these days without having to bother a lot of people.  I have had to have drivers to appointments, but by and large, my time here at home has been handled by me and my little boys with some dropped by dinners which have really helped me to stay fed.  I am grateful.

While I'm talking about grateful.....to everyone that has been overly amazingly generous in their donations to Clay's Gofundme.......there are no words that adequately can express how very humbled and thankful I am for each and every one of you.  I have always said I am beyond blessed in the quality of my friends and so is Clay.  Some of these people are people I don't even know and I cannot imagine the generosity of spirit that resides in them to be so open hearted and full handed in this season of my life.

I have often used the expression "Every storm runs out of rain" a lot lately.  Because I know it to be true and I'm glad that today my storm seems to be petering out and sun beams are lurking just right over there.  Here comes the sun, here comes the sun.....and I say.....it's alright.

"Do not lose hope in times of trouble, for God is working in the unseen.  His hand is steady, and His timing is perfect in bringing good out of difficulty." - Isaiah 43:19

And aren't I lucky?  Because as Popeye always said "I've had all I can stands 'cause I can't stands no more."

- Lavetta
 

Last Week

Last Week.  The week that refuses to turn loose of me.  After being so optimistic about things because side effects and reactions delayed setting in, I spent a very troubling week.  Chemo and I have had quite the Battle Royale this week.  Once things kicked off, they went blazing off into the ditch of near dispair.  Neuropathy....the worst it has been to date.  Joint paint....pretty danged near dibilitating.  Mental Health....I hate to share how absolutley I simply wanted to go to sleep and wake up somewhere else as anyone other than me.  My immune system took a crash course in tanking which sent me back up north for fluid infusions, shots, more meds and more than a few sympathetic looks.  What is puzzling is that anything they do to help with these issues, comes with a whole prize package of something else....bone pain, upset stomach, etc. with little to no relief for the things they are trying to get a handle on.

Today, I think I feel better, maybe I just want to so badly I'm deluding myself.  My feet, legs and knee joints are still a big old mess.  And the ends of my fingers have zero feeling, making typing a very enlightening endeavour.

I didn't get to work even one day last week.  My poor little dogs keep looking at me like "what on earth is wrong with you....all you do is sleep."

I get it.

My daughter has been great about taking me to appointments this past week.....some of them we scarcely get back home and we are off up the mountain again.  This crap works a hardship on everyone it touches.

Anyway, I did realize that I left everyone hanging with updates, but right now there is little good to say.  I remain hopeful that this will move out soon, because the next round looms on the horizon and I'm not sure I have the strength for it right now.

I am grateful to everyone who has reached out and offered to help, there is just little to be done right now...but knowing you think of me and make an effort is huge.

Anyway, I'm still praying for the people I've mentioned previously....I saw a few of them this past week....they are struggling too and that hurts me.  I fail to understand how cancer has been such a BIG bad booger bear for decades and little has been done that actually helps the patient.  I question if medical science wants to find a cure or if there is just waaay too much money here to risk it.  I will say I am spending a  lot of time overthinking and often regretting my decision to do this....and that makes me mad.

Not a terribly uplifting post today, but I am literally doing the very best I can right now....the very best I can.  And that is trusting that God knows the final outcome and He will help me through it all.

-Lavetta
 

Reality Can Bite

Every time, every.danged.time.  I think I've got this thing conquered and it isn't going to lay me flat for a sold week, it looks at me and roars back.

I am not going to lie.....this is tough.  And, I'm tired today.  I'm tired of not being able to walk and do things for myself.  I'm tired of sitting and feeling helpless, which often leads to hopeless.

I want this to be easier...for me....for everyone.  But it will not relent.  It is determined to show me who is the BIG BOSS and I'm fighting to show it a BIGGER one.  

I thought the delayed reactions were a harginger of better days to come but no.....they have only made the days much harder and way more severe.  My knees are just absolutely on fire with pain today and I can't get on top of them.

This is like the song my Granddaughter used to sing "We're going on a bear hunt"  Can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go around it....have to go through it.  And, today I feel so sorry for everyone who has to deal with this on this level.  It is hard and exhausting and mind numbing.....in short it is a hell on earth and there is no use in sugar coating it.

I know God is holding me because I'm still here and still fighting but this day is hard and I am desperately praying that tomorrow is easier because my weak human nature feels pretty danged defeated today.  And, I honestly think I'm allowed that.  I also know that without God I would not still be even remotely functional and I am so very grateful for His Divine intervention.....and I am praying He touches me with a healing touch soon so that I can jerk myself out of this mire of self-pity and do something more uplifting for me and for all of you.

The tunnel is dark today but I still see a sliver of light....maybe tomorrow it will grow bigger and brighter and show me there IS a forward path.  I pray for it.  Sorry to be a Dafne Downer today, it's just all I can manage right now.  Love you all and thanks for the prayers and all support you provide!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understand; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6