I Am Unanimous in My Confusion

 

I am giant bundle of all these words as they relate to my every day existence.

Why?

Because cancer gives us NO guarantees....it makes no pleasant promises.  It doesn't stroke our feverish forehead amd murmur soothing words of comfort.  Instead it offers a whole laundry list of things we don't want to get comfortable with.  It wakes us in the night screaming in our consciousness with threats and "what ifs."

Why?

Because, if we get comfortable in the doubt and confusion....we wind up not only fighting for a healing of the flesh, but also for clarity of the mind, and for peace of the spirit.

And why not?!

Because the nature of this beast isn't about comfort or joy.....it's abour pain, confusion, and turmoil.

What challenges me today?  Oh, the same things as yesterday....neuropathy, lack of mobility, exhaustion, fear, irrational panic over small things like events we aren't sure of, and mostly of the burden we know we are to so many people.

Why not....

...just give up, stop the battle, find a comfy chair and wait to go softly into a place where the battle rages no more.  There would be order, certainty, safety, calmness, and surety.  Herein, is the essence of the evil one using ourselves against ourselves to win for himself his greatest prize.....us.

But God....

Said this:

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.  For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.  Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.  Stand, therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;  and your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;  above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.  And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God:  praying always with all prayer and supplecation in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;  and for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in bonds: that therein I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.  Ephesians 6: 12-20

And so....

I will continue on....believing and praying for healing in my body, clarity in my mind, peace in my spirit, love in my heart, and quiet in my life, relationships, and surroundings.  And most of all that God in his infinite wisdom and compassion sees me, hears me, holds me and loves me as his own precious child.  That God will offer to me his mercy and grace and provide the strength to wear His armour with courage.

This weekend, I shall try very hard to bring you up-to-date on this cancer journey...raw,unfiltered and decidedly tiring.  

But

For now....I leave you with this:

"May the grace of the Lord, Jesus Christ, and love of God, and the communion of the Holy Ghost, be with you all.  Amen"  Leviticus 19:34

And

My love to you all as well....for your prayers, your gifts, your concern and love for me....I thank you.

Baby Steps

 

It is said we first must crawl before we walk and walk before we run.  We think we have to master this but once in our lives....but, for some of us, we have to relearn the basic procedures for navigating the world.

Friday I had my follow up appointment with the ortho doctor.  My breaks in my left foot and right ankle (fibula) are healing nicely.  Therefore, I can stop wearing the "boot" unless I'm leaving the house.  I hate that torture device so much I refuse to leave the house.  Not having to drag that heavy thing around also means I don't have to depend on the walker full time and can go back to the cane.  It is surprising how much energy it takes to move one's self around encumbered by a walker and a boot.  I feel somewhat liberated.  It was good timing to since I am now in the phase of a handful of radiation treatments left.  Now the area of concentration for the beam is smaller and more intense....with fewer passes of the machine....and it's pretty draining.

If all goes well, I will finish radiation next week and will finally get to have my many-times cancelled Keytruda immunotherapy treatment.  I am looking forward to a "pause" in the action to hopefully re-build my strength a little.  Lately, I've been dragging.  I'm having difficulty eating because nothing wants to stay with me and I've experienced nausea for the first time since all this began.

My dogs have come home and they keep watchful eyes on me while judiciously staying out of range should I decide to take another tumble.  I've had so much unselfish, kind and compassionate help I will never be able to give back to a sufficient degree.  I am very very lucky!  And I have hair again....not much but I'll take it even though it appears to growing in about 15 different directions.  (Picture follows)

My friend Cathy goes for her surgery on the 13th....I ask that you keep her in your prayers.  She found out her tumor is a "surface" one which is why chemo didn't affect it.  You literally learn new things every day with this disease!  Continued prayers for Debbie and Shane.  And also, all the people living breathlessly in hope that they will be one of the lucky ones that get to have a future free of cancer.

Thanks to my precious cousin Becky for the care package of things to make my body feel better.  She is so very thoughtful.....always.  And, she is loved!

Thinking a nap might be good about now so I'm shutting down for a bit.  I love you all and am so thankful for your continued prayers, offers of support and understanding.  You mean the world to me!

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. ISAIAH 40: 31(KJV)

Hello New Year

2026....a brand new year.  I have been quiet lately because the end of 2025 kept me hopping.  Not really, but that would have been nice.

Still dealing with neuropathy that has stopped frustrating me and now just makes me mad as pissed off fire ant.  Then I contracted a Noro-virus which came very close to ending me.  Not in the best of shape physically that sucker took me down.  And the Monday before Christmas my blood pressure tanked and I wound up falling in my kitchen.

The second I hit the floor I knew it wasn't good but I managed to get myself up and called for "back-up".  Long story short I was admitted to the hospital with fractures in both my feet.  2 broken toes and fractured small bones on the top of my left foot and a fractured fibula in my right leg.  So....already hobbling around like Mr. Tudball (IYKYK) and now I couldn't outrun a turtle in a foot race.  Turns out the hospital was likely a Godsend as I had a mild UTI and my hemoglobin was dangerously low requiring a blood transfusion.  My blood pressure was so low they couldn't give me pain meds for about 18 hours.  But they got me back up and going even though the after effects of the stomach virus were still lingering around.  They sent me home the day before Christmas and here I've been since.

During all of the above, I missed multiple radiation treatments which means those will continue in January for a while.

I am getting around at home with a walker as I have to keep as much weight as possible off my right leg and have finally consented to certain wheelchair rides when called for.  I've also had to turn loose of a lot of pride and allow help when offered.

Since this has all transpired through 3 holidays trying to find in home health care or a short term rehab placement is proving difficult....but it's a new year so I'm hopeful that will resolve soon.

On a brighter note....today my daughter in law, Paula is cooking a "family" New Year's lunch and I'm force feeding black eyed peas to everyone with a mouth.  I need a normal event for a change....my life has just been a relentless cycle of doctors, clinics, treatments and you can't "live" there very happily.

I'm ready for change.  My hair is growing back and I'm actually feeling fairly optimistic about what is to come.  Either way....I am ready and other than missing my dogs like crazy my days are pretty good.  Every day at radiation, I see people who make me realize just how very lucky I am.  Stark reality is a great teacher if you have the ability to look at yourself realistically without filtering everything through the lens of your own feelings.  Do I get weepy?  Yes.  Am I sometimes angry?  Yep.  But I am also very grateful for so very much and I hope to be able to pay things forward one day.

Please pray for my friend Cathy as the New Year will bring her an experimental surgery that we are very hopeful for.  Pray for Debbie and Shane as well.  And pray for all those nameless people who continue to show up with hope in their heart that there will be a happy ending for them.

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." -Psalm 46:1

God lifted me from my kitchen floor, He can surely reach you as well.

Happy New Year with love from me to you.

 

Do You Really Want To Know?

Probably everyone knows someone who has had, survived or is fighting cancer.  But....do you actually know what they are dealing with?

Do you really want to know?

There are a couple of programs I would suggest that paint fairly accurate pictures of the lives of cancer patients.

One is The Big C (Netflix series) very well done.  The other is A Little Bit of Heaven (also Netflix - movie with Kate Hudson).

What these programs aptly showcase is the inner feelings so many of us are dealing with.  While we may try to be outwardly upbeat and positive we are scared to death practically all the time.  The toll cancer treatments take on our bodies is exhausting, humiliating and demoralizing.  We aren't joining your events because we don't want to....we are afraid to.  Afraid of an "accident" of some nature.  This is isolating.....this is why others have to come in our direction....we do better at home.  Home where we know how many steps to the bathroom, where things are located, how to navigate in a safe space.

Our feelings are raw and while we make huge efforts to keep them in check....sometimes we cannot.  They spill over in frustration....not with you, but with ourselves.  It sounds harsh and cold but we simply do not have the time or energy to care about your feelings.  And if you can't see the supreme effort it takes for us to merely get up every day knowing what that day is going to bring and still try to be the best version of ourselves we can muster....I don't know how to help you.   In so many cases, cancer patients have that "someone" (usually a spouse) who gets to catch all the feelings, who has to hold us when we lose hope and just want to give up.  God bless these people....I envy those situations.

In some cases....like mine....I have lost my rudder, my safe haven, my heart beat who told me "it's okay", "it's going to be alright", "we are going to fight this....and win."  And while I would love to have someone to hold me tightly in those little hours when the tears fall because my feet don't work and I'm afraid they are never going to again, or I become scared I can't beat this and at some point I am going to be entirely useless and dependent on someone......I would hate for him to have to walk this with me.  He would hate it and it would be far more devastating to him than it is to me.

You might break a leg and be laid up for a bit, but usually you know there is an end to that and life will return to normal.  We don't know that.  Sometimes I think the really lucky ones are the ones who are told right off, this is terminal, you aren't coming out of this alive.  Our decisions would be different I venture to say.  But, for me, I am just trusting in medicine, doctors and most of all God that I will resume life at the end of this.  I'm not expecting a decade....but 5 years would be nice.  And if I can't have my hands and feet back, I would happily settle for my feet.  My expectations are not unrealistic.

I cannot speak for others but in my case I simply will not listen to criticism, I won't be manipulated and if you try to gaslight me, I am done.  I still have a good mind and am still capable....my body is just broken right now, it is weak and tired from more things than you can possibly imagine.  I want no one around me that genuinely doesn't want to be here....because it is hard for me to ask things of people so you've got to be tough.  I am highly cognizant of the toll it takes on others to have to carve out space for me and my stuff, therefore, it seems only the truly gritty among us can hang in with it.  

This is why I want to get better, I have many things to "pay back" or "pay forward".  I hope I get that chance.

Anyway, enough rambling...my fingers are getting tired and starting to make typos that I will find later and have to fix.  If you want insight into cancer watch those programs and let me know if they give you a better understanding of what we deal with, suffer through and struggle over.

Have a great week ahead, stay warm, I was not ready for cold weather....suddenly I am cold all over all the time....may be putting the dogs in bed with me this week....best little heaters ever!

Love you all, thanks for loving me, praying for me and sending me good thoughts. - Lavetta

 

What's New Pussycat?

 Much happening in cancer center these days.  Turns out while I was slowly poisoning my body, ruining my feet and hands and greatly diminishing my hearing and eyesight....a tumor was being born and growing in the area I had surgery.

My surgeon recommended starting radiation RIGHT NOW, but the radiologist connected to my care team wanted to do multiple scans.  So you know how this works....you wait for an appointment, then you wait for results, then you wait for a follow-up consult appointment because the one they scheduled for you was made in an alternte location 30 minutes after your scans were happening....and that location was almost 45 minutes away.  So you had to wait for another day.  That day came and since the radiologist knew you wanted to have your radiation done in the place you live, he pretty much just sent you packing.  The one thing he did do was suggest I get a DVD of those scans to take to the new radiation place.

The next day I walked in to the local facility only to find the other radiologist had not sent a referral so I walked in cold and plunked down my movie and made an appointment.  And I waited.  By the time I finally got an appointment with the new radiation doctor it had been 9 weeks since my final chemo treament.  He did his exam, ordered scans and embarked on a 2 weeks planning session on how best to treat me.  He did show me the pictures on the DVD (still don't know why I couldn't have seen those prior).  All that was on my mind was after all this time had passed how much had that tumor grown while be unbothered by any kind of treatment.  Quite a lot it turns out.

To date, I have had 7 radiation treatments and they are kicking my tail.  Because of the size and aggressive nature of my tumor (which I have named Tilly) my treatment level is pretty high.  Having to be somewhere every day is intense because the whole act of getting ready to go somewhere takes me forever.  It takes me forever because my feet still don't work and neither do my hands.

On top of this I am doing every 3 weeks immunotherapy....and surprise surprise both radiation and Keytruda make neuropathy worse.

I am still hopeful and optimistic that I can squeeze out a few more years.  I have 2 little dogs that count on me and I'd like to fulfill the committment I've made to them.  It is hard being in this place right now, because of neuropathy I can no longer do the things I'm used to doing to fill my time.  I can't sew, draw, crochet, knit or cross-stitch.  I can barely type.  So that leaves TV and I've watched so much of that I have a hard time finding things I haven't seen.

I rarely go anywhere for reasons mentioned above, so it's me and the dogs on the daily and I think they are bored with me but for now they are stuck with me.

Meanwhile I continue to ask these questions.

Why after all these years is cancer still "a thing" and why suddenly does it seem worse than ever?

Why do they put laundry rooms so far away from the actual source of dirty clothes?

Why do people turn up their noses at adopting black dogs? (Particularly shelter dogs)

Why do people in Arkansas not know how to merge?

Why do so-called Christian people refuse to forgive and move on?

Why do so many people want to take your story and make it all about them?

Where does a cancer patient go to have their toenail issues dealt with?

Who holds the answers to all these things that leave me wondering?

So that's what's new with this Pussycat.  She's not purring and cuddling up to anyone...she's got her claws out and is hissy and pissy a whole lot of the time.

But she's alive, still fighting, still trying to move out of this chapter into a better one.

Happy Thanksgiving!  Don't be a turkey!

And this year Shop Small - they need it more than big box stores or Amazon.

Sprouts

 In the spirit of keeping it real....I give you my little bald head.  Within days of my first chemo treatment my hair left me like it owed me money.  Oddly enough, I didn't worry about that too much....I felt that was the least of my worries.  Turns out I was right.

But lately I've noticed it is sprouting.  It's very hard to see but the chrome dome is covered with little sprigs.  In person it looks like a baby animal pelt.  I'm happy to see it but I know it's got a loooong journey and hopefully it can have a happy trip.

I've abandoned wigs altogether as my head is simply NOT big enough to make them look remotely fine.  So I stick with the caps with hair, or my cancer head covers (which seem to elicit a lot of sympathy when I wear them).  People tend to hold doors open for me or let me push ahead in line.  I don't wear them for that reason (mostly because my head gets cold AND I just don't think this old white woman has what it takes to carry off the bald look in public.)

I should have a radiation protocol set sometime next week and when that is decided I will immediately start those treatments (which are daily)...maybe we take weekends off....I'm not sure.

But....that will be 7-8 weeks and meanwhile I do the Keytruda infusion (immunotherapy) every three weeks.  This was a large component in my decision to hang up my working shoes....it was just too much to try to schedule since I always had to have morning treatments.

My neuropathy is still a BIG problem....I invested in a vibration plate and that came today so fingers crossed it helps out some.  Other than that I feel okay...not great...but okay.  Trying to stay on top of my house and me is challenging but I just do what I can when I can and learn to overlook a lot of stuff.

My friend Cathy rang the bell the other day and she sent me a video.  That is always an exciting day for a cancer patient as it signals the end of a phase of treatment for them...it doesn't signal they are cured...it simply signals they've progressed.  And for some of us that's okay.

In my good things box this week I had a great day yesterday with Theresa.  She took me to run errands and to my acupuncture appointment.  She also took care of toenails which has helped my walking a ton.  Then she came back last night and took me to a leave the house and have dinner courtesy of one of her friends (who heard about me through her and wanted to do something kind).  This was such an uplifting thing, to go to a restaurant and have a steak and a cocktail like a normal person.  I am so grateful for the people that see things and respond.  They will never know how much that means to someone who is virtually homebound most of the time.

I just finished my first week as a person with no job requirements and I have to say my stress level is a lot lower.  I will need to go in next week and get my personal stuff and sign a letter of resignation.  In and Out.  I will miss the people but not the pressure and the daily grind.  I think radiation will be grinding enough.

In the questions I would love answered department:  Why are they making movies these days that have no clear definitive ending?  Geez, you invest 2 hours in these things and are left wondering "what happened?"

Have a great weekend....we are having glorious weather right now.  I may brave the outdoors and try to soak up some sun and fresh air.  Be kind and be grateful.  Pray for those you know are struggling and then just pray for everyone else that they never have to.

God is reaching out....reach back....he will take your hand and you will feel better.

Decisions

 

Decisions.  I am so tired of having to make these.  But make them I must.

I've been quiet lately on the matter of cancer and what it means to me but it's time to spill it.

I am currently waiting for a radiation treatment plan to deal with the tumor that formed and grew like Alice during chemo.  Honestly I was hoping to get this going right after my last round of ehcmo but I am dealing with foot draggers in the medical profession.  Since that alien grew during the period of time I thought I might die from poisoning myself, I can't imagine what kind of party it is having in these many weeks that have followed.  I can't speed things along, I can't impact on things at all....it's just my body...just my life.

Meanwhile, my feet and hands are refusing to get better and I'm starting to think they never will.  Again, I've done everything I can on this front and can do no more.

All of this to say, today I quit my job at FedEx Freight.  A job I have enjoyed for 9 years.  The hours were awful and more problematic after I lost Roger, but it was a good part-time job for someone my age.  And, they have been wonderfully patient with me over the past year....I have missed a ton of work.  I loved the people I worked with and I will miss them.  But other than financially, that job no longer served me.  And, right now, I need to focus on me, on my health, my peace of mind and my ability to fight on through whatever comes next.

I was struggling to get in and out of the building and I could not bill fast enough or accurately enough to keep us at goal.  At the beginning of this journey, I told my boss that I would do it as long as I could but when the time came....I would fire myself...I wouldn't make him do it.

I think I will be fine.  I don't feel well enough to go running around town with girlfriends so I shouldn't be spending a lot of money and other than trips back and forth to doctors I shouldn't be burning a lot of gas either.  Hopefully, I can afford my streaming services since that is about all I can do right now is watch TV.  I would love to be productive during this time but my hands cannot crochet, embroider or sew.  Anything "fiddly" doesn't work for me right now.

So, I continue to ask for prayers not just for me but everyone that is dealing with "life" and finding it hard.  On a positive note, my friend Cathy had her last chemo treatment when I was doing my Keytruda infusion.  I didn't get to be there when she rang the bell, but I clapped for her before I left.  She has such a good attitude, I hope everything goes great for her going forward.

So, this week has been Decision Week for me and I hope I've made good ones.  I certainly didn't mske them rashly.  I thought long and hard and prayed hard as well.  In the end, I will do what I've always done.  No matter what decision I make, I'm always ready to take the consequences of them.

Thanksgiving approaches and it's time to count the blessings.  Maybe this year we can count them and then make an effort to enrich them and pay them forward.

I love each and every one of you so much and am so grateful for you in my life.