Hi Ho Hi Ho

 Today, I head back to work for 3 whole days!  Wow!  Can I do this?  Three days....three evenings of productivity.....I'm not sure.  What I do know, is that I will try.  What remains to be seen is which one of these seven iconic little characters will be my physical manifestation today.

Will I be?

Happy:  For sure, I've missed my friends at FedEx and I've missed feeling like I'm part of something other than my diagnosis.

Doc:  I guess I have to take on a portion of this personnae....everything I do now is pretty much health centered.

Dopey:  I really hope not, I'm currently not on any mind altering medications that might make this a possibility.....but.....

Sleepy:  Is almost a given since lately I've been early to bed because Sawyer likes to wake up at 4:00 am.

Sneezy:  Will also show up to the party....there's something about that fine dust that comes filtering in from the dock floor that makes everyone there have at least 1 pretty epic sneezing fit per evening.

Bashful:  Has never been my companion and it's a danged good thing because I'm showing up tonight much altered in appearance.  It simply IS what it IS.

BUT..........

Please and thank you may I leave Grumpy at home?    I'd like people to be as glad to see me as I will be to see them.  I have much to be truly Happy about today.  My feet are working....I have things to cover my bald little head....my rash is almost gone and I'm feeling pretty good right now.  Maybe I can throw an 8th little worker into the mix here and call him Hopeful....I am hopeful that when Thursday rolls around for my 2nd treatment, things will be better and the side effects will be easier.  At least I do have a better vision of what can happen and I'm hopeful I will be much better prepared for them.

Today is the end of June.....there is a big holiday arriving soon, the birth of our great nation.  Regardless of who you support in politics and government.....please just love our country.  No where else on earth can you have the freedoms you have here.  These were hard fought for and won with the blood of patriots who would rather die than subject themselves to tyranny.  And, more importantly....we do have a King.....He is the sovereign of our lives.  Give thanks to God that you are alive, well, happy, free and able to worship as you choose.

And remember...........

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKF-_FEay60&list=RDCKF-_FEay60&start_radio=1

Gettin' Wiggy With It

 Well, the deed is done.  Yesterday I went to the sweet little guy who has taken care of my hair for quite some time now.  He could not bring himself to shave it off.....bless his sweet little heart....he cried and I cried.  We opted for a very short "bob" type cut knowing full well, whatever was left there then would likely be gone in a few more days.  But, he felt that he, personally, needed a period of transition.  And, if I'm being honest, I probably did too.  Because the last 3 weeks have moved awfully fast for me.

He also took my "free" wig from the cancer support house and trimmed it up where it wasn't quite so intimidating for me to deal with.  I was already having issues with the fact that it was blonde.  All the other pieces they had for older women were that iron grey and short style that made me look more like my mom than I already do.  I love my mom, but honestly, I feel the need to walk this path as just myself.  To develop how I want this journey to look for me.  Because this is very personal.  No two people walk it the same, or even have the same set of circumstances.  What happens to your body is the most personal thing there is.  And, while people can be sympathetic, emphathetic, helpful, and everything that is good in human nature....they will never ever know how it feels inside you....on this day.  And, let's face it....people who are sick (and look sick) make people uncomfortable for multiple reasons, most of them good.

And if we are being honest about it, I think people who experience this kind of invasion on their person actually spend a great deal of time trying to shield others from it as much as possible.  Because, it is scary.  For me, given the fact that they tell me they got everything they went for, which should mean I am cancer free;  the fact that it has such a high probability of coming back is the reason I have set myself on this course of action.  My other choice was to "wait it out" for 18 months and see what happens.  I guess time will tell if  I chose correctly.  But, it was MY choice and I will have to stand on whatever outcome I get.

At the beginning of this, when I decided to chronicle this messy journey, I promised to be honest, to be real and to be raw with you.  I am determined to stick to that promise.

So....turns out I am braver than I thought and so I'm bringing it to you in photographic form.  I will say, I have another wig that should arrive soon that is more MY color and style.  We will see if it is a better "fit" for me, in any case it will be good to have options I think.  And, I am also in the market for head coverings (that are not crochet or knit), it's too hot in Arkansas for those so if you see something you think is cute, send me a link.  Love to you all.....grab a hold of today and squeeze the crap out of it.

Somedays Are Diamonds.......

 

.....somedays are stone.

We are know it....all the cliches  "windshield/bug", "pigeon/statue".  Somedays are just good ones and others not so much.

Yesterday was a diamond for me.  If you are walking this journey with me just out of interest in my story, or you are looking for validation and understanding in your own (no matter what it is), I hope you find a little here.

After a very rough week last week, I made the trip up the mountain once again to do a follow up from the hospital stay I had here locally and to let my oncology team due their own assessments.  I was feeling so much better and other than the nasty "leprosy rash" things had leveled out, but still, I was nervous.

Rick drove me up and it was rehabilitating to spend one on one time with him.  He is so much like his Dad and like his Dad, he has the ability to make me laugh.  He's also extremely thoughtful and very kind.  All through the day, he shepherded my friend, Judy and I along like we were treasures to be protected.  We don't get that very often.  I missed having Paula along this trip, she is a very positive force for me as well, but the time with Roger's mini-me was so restorative.  It was having him back in a recognizable form for a while.

The oncology team took note of all the vile reactions I had from Round 1 and assured me they would be very proactive in adjusting my treatment to help me along this journey.  They also found I was very potassium insufficient and wanted me to do an infusion (which a a few hours) and none of us were prepared for an all day stay.  After all, lunch had become our primary focus by this point.  So, they simply adjusted the dosage of my oral potassium, gave me some steroids to help send the rash packing and sent me on my way...."see you on the 3rd!"

We did make a stop at their J B Hunt sponsored Cancer Support House which was a lovely facility where you and a friend can stay at no charge if you have a long drive and a day long treatment.  Fully outfitted lovely rooms, fully stocked and equipped kitchen, laundry area, sun room with games, magazines and puzzles.  Beautiful outdoor sitting areas.  And did I mention.....no charge?  I also shopped their well stocked wig shop and found something possibly suitable able a grooming at the hands of my hairdresser.  My hair will likely be gone within the next few days.  I hope I am honest enough and courageous enough to show that to you.  I will honestly try because I think it is important to communicate that nothing is more lovely that Y O U and what you reveal from your inner most being, the part that God formed, adored and shaped.

Lunch was fun and I could taste most of it that's a plus.  I was beginning to think I would be on a permanent lemon diet.  Judy treated Rick and I and we are both so grateful for her ever present huge giving compassionate heart.

We made it home in time to pick up meds and for Rick to go get his little loves (Ryker and Lynleigh) and whisk them away to ball practice.  Their sweet little mama (aka Angel Baby) has been so supportive of me as well and she's raising good people and I'm very proud of her.

Then I was invited to my son-in-law Jeremy's birthday.  That was a good time for me, good food, a lot of laughter and getting to know his family a little better.  Jeremy's mom recently lost her sister, her father, the father of her children and her husband in a very short time period.  These kinds of events are very hard on people.  There seems to be no respite to grieve, accept and process before the rug gets pulled again.  Please include her in your prayers....she really needs them.

It was a good time that I got to spend with Kaylee, Jeremy, Audrey and Logan....missed seeing Max and Ana, but hopefully that will happen soon.  And, I am missing my son a lot right now.  I know he truly struggles with his inability to be present right now but he is doing what he needs to do and I am very proud of his committment to overcoming his own personal challenges.  He has wonderful help in Angie (his intended) in this journey.   He calls her the "Thunderstick" and he isn't wrong!  She's a little dynamo!  

Today I am reaching out to my job to explain the plan going forward and see if it is workable with them.  They have been very good and very patient and I am so thankful for that.  I still need to work for so many reasons that I hope this will also turn out to be a diamond day.

My pups are content at home and that makes me happy....they have contributed  much to making my state of mind better....you can't stay turned inward when little creatures need you to be thinking about them.  They seem to know they also have to be patient and gentle with me.....what a gift we were given in the dog!  I hope I never have to be without one in this life....because for me....when there is no one here.....they are.  That matters to me.

Round 2 is on the 3rd.  My good friend Theresa has signed up to drive and sit and wait that day out with me.  It's a lot and in many ways a bit depressing to observe so I am thankful for her willingness to help with his.  It will give my other designated drivers a loooooong holiday weekend and I'm so glad for that.

This is it for now.  Still need prayers and I actually feel them.  If you can't comment with your name on the blog itself please at the end of your message just write your first name.  Believe me, I know who you are and it helps to know you've reached out to me.  Sometimes I may answer and sometimes not because the danged blog puts me as "Anonymous" as well.  LOL  I should be offended, but I'm still laughing.

Rattlers enjoy the weekend.....I will be waiting and watching for loads of pictures.  Make sure you tag people....some of you guys have gotten OLD.

Remember always.....Save the Last Dance For Me....dum,dum,dum.  Love from me to you.

Reckless, Hasty, Impulsive, Imprudent

 All synonyms for rash.  Apparently, I am going to get all the parting gifts chemo has to offer and maybe some yet to be invented.  This is mildly uncomfortable but not unmanageable, but I am getting weary of opening a new surprise every day.  I photographed the one part that wasn't completely disgusting (you. are. welcome.)  And only share because at some point someone may be heading down this prickly path and might welcome a little head's up.  I know I sure would have.

Tomorrow I go for follow up labs and a visit to discuss all the last couple of weeks have delivered.  News at 11!

Onward and Upward!  I'm still laughing!

I Can't Put My Finger On It

 

Oh, wait.....maybe I can.  First, I am feeling better.  Still a bit fuzzy around the edges and trembly and like a new toddler learning to take those first rickety steps.  But better.  I'm going Thursday to my Oncologist to do a follow-up and most likely a pretty intensive chat about exactly what the helicopter happened to me.

I have my little fuzzy boys back who are a bit put out with me because apparently there were activities at playland and I don't know the schedule.  Three times a day they position themselves in the middle of the living room and stare at me as if to say "what are you doing.....it is time for water sports, or tickle time, or chase the ladies."  I'm lost and apparently no damned fun.  I think Ozzie really misses Adam at Pawsi.  Ozzie has always been a dude's dog and he misses having a guy around.  Everytime the door opens he races out to the car and wants to go somewhere.  This is not usual!  So, he is obviously wanting to go somewhere specific.

I hope once other people are not dangerous to me I can return to work.....just in time for the roller coaster to take another loop.  But I need to work for oh so many reasons....finances, mental health, social engagement, etc.  We shall see....God is driving the broken down old bus so we will see where He decides it needs to go.

Residual effects of Chemo Round 1:  Still slight neuropathy in feet, numbness in  my fingertips, lots of unfun feelings in the soft tissue areas of my person and nothing tastes lovely.  The only thing I have found that remotely satisfies are things with a heavy lemon taste.  Those are Heaven right now.  My mouth stays pretty dry so I have started squeezing a lemon into my water jug and I find that easier to drink than just plain water.  I am so grateful for the nugget ice machine Roger bought me because I get a lot of my water intake from crunching ice.  Oh, and the hair......it has fled like it owed me money.  I keep it covered mostly because it is just downright intrusive....it is just everywhere.  I could be convicted of a million crimes, my DNA is so present in the atmosphere right now.  My wig has shipped and of course it coming from..............guess where...........CHINA!  But I do plan to avail myself of the services provided by the Oncology people in NWA to see what they have that might do in a pinch.  In case I get invited to a party or something.

This weekend my heart will be in Texas where my high school is having an all-school reunion.  I love these events so much and have been so fortunate to be able to go pretty often.  I even strong-armed Roger into a couple of them.  But this year, he had told me we would go and as soon as the date was announced I should write the check for the whole shebang and we would go together.  I think this decision on his part was based largely on the fact I talked him into going to his high school reunion a while back and he enjoyed it so much he finally realized just how much mine meant to me.  I was looking forward to it.  But, this year is not our year and it isn't my year either.  Maybe next time.....I really need these people.  These people who knew me when I was practically brand new with only the future to meet.  They knew me when I was no one's wife, no one's mother.....I was just me.  And they liked me....just the way I was.  And when I am with them I am that person again.

They are people who step up and step in.  Who help out, who pray fervently together and separately for the problems of others.  They are people I want to be.  My messages overflow with prayers and offers of help and books arrive to uplift me.  Just because I am absent geographically does not not absent me from their hearts.  This matters to me.  I have a double handful of really good friends here locally and in Texas I have an army.  Along with my family here and in Kansas I know I am loved and valued and I hope to return every gesture done on my behalf either back on the giver or forward to someone else who needs it.

I hope their get-together is full of laughter and wonderful memories.  I hope someone jiggles their butt off on the dance floor in my honor (that is usually my job).  And I hope they leave that gathering with renewed friendships and refound purpose to continue the Rattler spirit that we all will carry to the ground with us.  Maroon and White Forever, my friends!  You are all loved by me.  The class of 1968 will always be my safe haven.  On to Victory!

Who Kicked the Lid Off of this Bucket of BS?

 Where to begin?  Perhaps with a quick recap.  1st round of Chemo on the 12th, worked on the 13th, made it through the day fine.  The morning of the 13th (which was a Saturday) woke up with feet on fire....they said this could happen but I wasn't expecting it quite this soon.  24-7 phone line failed me, rode with this issue through till Sunday the 14th at which time the 24-7 phone line was answered with little solution.  By this time I was in quite a state.  Monday rolled around and I had 2 solutions offered, ER locally or find a way to NWA.  Neither were workable at that time.  Tuesday morning, I was very weak, more than marginally upset, scared and not sure what to do so, since I had managed to propel myself into the shower from a standing position, I opted to go the local ER (which is the equivalent of me asking for someone to cut off one of my appendages.  My daughter arrived to take me there.

That ER trip landed me in the hospital. 

For reasons in no particular order, raging UTI, low platelet count, low WBC, a fall, feet that failed me and unlenting pain.  I remained there till Friday afternoon.  I am still a bit unclear all that happened but I do know the wounds from the falls were addressed, I was given anti-biotics and I saw a lot of medical professionals who probably would have preferred not to since I am under the care of a competing medical facility which has no presence in our city.

Today is the first day I have felt any good at all and I asked for my dogs to be returned home because it is lonely here without them.  Since October, the rhythm of my life has been built by me and the boys.  I was not going to get better without their little selves here.

My feet still do not feel right, but they feel better.  All of my soft tissue areas (use your imaginations) feel like they have been doused in gasoline and lit afire.  I have zero taste and my hair is departing like it has a ticket booked for a fun vacation in some exotic location.

I also have another round of this toxic cocktail to attend to on July 3rd.  I guess I now know what to expect.

I have had people sit with me and help me and I am so very grateful.  Now, I am trying to stay away from people as much as possible since I am considered immunocompromised.  But, I know they are there and I love them for it.  I also am grateful for those who message, call and show concern as they can.

This is not a sprint.....it's also not a relay......it's a race for life from start to finish.  I started and I do plan to finish....I may be crawling but I plan on being there. 

"Feet Don't Fail Me Now"

 My feet have always been pretty small.  Small for the body they have to support anyway.  When they are "prettied" up with shiny polish they are moderately cute.  I have little toes that resemble olives.  Just a tiny sliver of a nail curled shyly out of the way...not to be seen.  My mom had such toes, my kids and grandkids have them as well.

Up until today I have been on friendly terms with my feet.  I've tried to keep them out of places they shouldn't go and they've held me up through a lot (not always without protest.)

Today, my feet and I are not friends.  They have turned against me when I need them the most.

You listen and you learn as much as you can about what is going to happen to you during things like Chemo and you try to prepare as best you can.  But, your mind just will often fail to allow you to know the real story until it writes itself.

My first round of chemo was on the 12th.  I was sent home with nausea meds and a phone number that would be answered 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.  I didn't need the nausea meds but that phone line would have been helpful Saturday.  There must have been gremlins running wild and free.

First let me say, if they tell you "you may experience this, that or something altogther neither of those"  BELIEVE THEM and ask the question right now.  What do I do for that because I think I can promise you that you will need to know.

I worked the 13th, I wasn't sharp or quick but I was present and willing and made it through the day.  I was very pleased with myself.  Saturday morning woke me in horrible pain.  Every joint and muscle from my ribcage down was on fire and while the joints were horrific....my feet were in agony.

That ever available phone number rendered no aid and I struggled all day with feet that had decided to mutiny and just not work.  On fire, tingling, burning, deep unlenting pain.  Nothing helped.

Sunday morning I tried the magic phone number and low and behold it worked but I woke someone up who really wasn't thrilled to be doing their job at 7:30 on a Sunday morning.  The litany of things I heard didn't help.  You must have dialed the wrong number, you shouldn't be in this much pain, take 2 Tylenol.  So yesterday was a struggle too.  I though that icing my feet and staying off of them would be the cure but this morning I was literally crippled.

I had to pawn my dogs off to someone, people have been bringing me Biofreeze and Claritin and everything else imaginable to try to get me going.  I couldn't work and I'm not sure I'll be able to tomorrow either.

Just so you know Taxol can AND WILL cause neuropathy in your extremities.  Count on it, it would be better to be pleasantly disappointed that it didn't happen than to be hit with the crap storm with no relief.  If it does happen, you will learn to position yourself in ways you never dreamed possible.  I found myself today with my feet resting on the headboard of my bed simply because it was cool.  Getting myself undone from that position took some time.

I will forever be honest with you about this journey....there is no primrose path full of dancing unicorns.  It's going to ugly and raw and it is going to hurt.  I pray I have the strength and forebearance to dance it.  

With God holding me and all of you lifting me in prayer maybe there won't be so much pressure on my feet and maybe that particular nasty little taste of poison can be toned down a bit so it doesn't make me unable to function within my own life.  I'm trusting.

I won't give up I won't give in.....I have things to do and miles to go before I sleep.  

Always loving you all and so appreciative of everything that is done on my behalf, please know that it will all be paid forward when I am able.

"Foggy"

 

It was foggy on the 12th.  Up the mountain, and down in the "hollers" - sometimes wispy, other times pretty thick.  It's a pretty drive and one I always enjoy.  These trips that aren't for pleasure or just a drive for no reason are still beautiful to look at.  I think it is important to get out and see beauty where you can.

I went to work yesterday, the day after my first treatment and apparently I brought the fog from the mountain home with me.  I just wasn't sharp, not myself, not "with it".  I think my sweet little work companion would have much rather I stayed home.  My rhythm was off all day and I should have been warned by the batch of lentils I burned.  I don't even like them but Roger did and he made them all the time.  Apparently they are very tender little things.  I only made them because I am supposed to be protein loading and beans and legumes and other farty things are good in that area.  Roger rolled them in tortillas and made burritos out of them.  I figured I could do that.  I think I saved the top of them which is enough for a good meal but my pan may be historical.

I also left my garage door open all night - Carol Garner where are you when I truly need you?

I'm hoping this "foggy" on my mountain top doesn't last long as I kind of need to stay on top of crap.  But right now it might not hurt to be checking if I know where my furry children are and that I'm not wandering around outside in my unmentionables or less.

I feel a little trembly this morning something I hope to dispatch with a little breakfast....maybe an egg?  Otherwise I am trying to finish up my project in Roger's room while I wait for the curtain rod to show up and then it will be pretty well finished except for some furniture dragging.

Wishing you all a blissful weekend.  If you need rain, I hope you get it.  If it is in our future here I hope you get ours instead....we are starting to get moldy and morose.  I love you and appreciate you all.

"Hair"

"Gimme head with hair, long beautiful hair, shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen

Give me down to there hair. Shoulder length or longer.  Here baby, there mama.  Everywhere daddy daddy.  Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair.  Flow it, show it.  

Long as God can grow it, my hair"

Stange place to start this....no?  But it will all be revealed....I promise.

Disclaimer:  I know there is a bad word in the title of this particular blog - it just seemed appropriate and I'm offering no apologies.  It's the way I feel.  And let's face it:  Cancer IS the ultimate Bitch.

Now we begin - This is my first step.

They wander in.  Some familiar with the place, the routine, the people....these people have been here before.  I guess we need to call them the "Regulars"  My first thought in seeing the "Regulars" was "here I am with all these strangers who all look so very very sick."  Do I look sick"  I don't think so.  Old-yes, sick-no.  My silver white hair is brushed and cascading past my shoulders.  I see the sad, yet admiring eyes and suddenly, I feel bad.  Maybe I should have thought about this before?

But, I am also seeing others who look good/some even great and my spirits lift a little.  They are all settling into a comfy reclining and massaging recliner with iPads and phones.  They don't look anxious at all.  Some seem mildly annoyed.  But time passes and I notice they are not receiving equipment and no plastic bags filled with solutions marked "hazardous."  Ah-ha, these are the support people for the "Regulars" receiving treatments.  I have 2 of these of my own, waiting patiently to my right - they refuse to leave...I am grateful.  But now I turn my attention back to the "Regulars."  I wonder what their hair looked like before they had to kill their crowning glory (its Biblical) to try to save their lives? "What else have they sacrificed, and at what cost?"  "And do they have hope?"  All questions I truly hope I can answer at the end of this.

It's June 12, 2025. 8:00 am in Northwest Arkansas.  I've already had vials of blood drawn because your treatment is cooked to your specific needs of the day.  We all don't get the same juice.  And, I've been to an educational Cancer class....apparently by having cancer I have failed my first test.  In this class we were bombarded with information that we know we need but did not want and it was a lot to absorb, thankfully there were hand-outs.

Each of us was given our own individualized treatment plan complete with drugs we will be receiving (none of them fun, nor recreational...just toxic poison).  These plans included the use of, good and bad qualities and potential side effects of each component.  I can only imagine the reactions of the other "Newbies" in class but, for me, personally, the words "90% of hair loss within 2 - 3 weeks hit me square in my vanity.  "Are you freaking kidding me!?"

You see, I never had nice hair.  As a baby, my hair was light blonde, super fine and silky.  Then as young child, it was veering off in the shades of red and those red-headed qualities played out in my hair being difficult.  On its' own it could work itself into tangled snarl that resulted in tears from me over being rapped on the head by a hairbrush because I was protesting the brushing out of those tangles.  As a result my hair was kept short with bangs starting mid-crown and ending a full 2 inches above my eyebrows.  I truly looked like a person emerging from a concentration camp.

It didn't help that I was freckled, had huge teeth and was just more than mildly homely.

Once I could be in charge of my own "beauty" rourtine things got some better.  And the advent of wiglets and falls were a huge help.  But, my mother's admonition that my hair was just too hard to take care of took root and I kept it pretty short in adulthood with a couple of forays into the longer hair.

But around 30 or so, it started greying in a stripe right down the middle of my head, and that spread until I was totally grey very early.  Most people thought I was making this happen chemically, but I wasn't.  God had decided to give me the thing my little girl heart had always desired....long pretty hair.

It was 8 years ago that I started growing it out.  I know this because my first ID badge at FedEx Freight showed waaaay too short hair.  Over the course of these 8 years, I came to enjoy having longer hair and I always got lots of comments on it....I came to like that (insert a picture of vanity here.)  But, now I am going to lose it.  And who knows what it will look like when it grows back.  I will never be able to grow it back to the length it is now....long enough to cut out a big chunk of it, tie it with a white ribbon and weave it through my husband's fingers to go with him on his final journey.  Roger loved long hair...he particularly like girls with long hair in baseball caps.  And for the greater part of our marriage he endured too SHORT haircuts and never ever complained about them.  He would always say "I like it!"  But when it grew long, he would often remark "I really love your hair, it is so pretty."  And that was the compliment I craved most, loved most.  The one that kept my hair growing no matter how tired I got washing it or blowing it out.

The easy thing to do here would be to think God is punishing my vanity.  I was often told He challenges you with your hard and fast I CAN'T AND I WON'T....or the things you take a prideful view of.  But, God isn't punishing me....He's challenging me to move past the vain and prideful things in my life and lean into Him.  I am being burned....forged from the inside out.  I will lose my hair, but hopefully preserve my life to become something even more beautiful to God.  And again, I wonder.....what have those "Regulars" had to lose along the way.  Whatever it is, I hope they also found God each time something left them.

This has been a lot of banal stuff that isn't of great importance but I wanted those who do not know me well to come to know and understand me a little.  Because some of the stuff I'm going to address in these entries won't be fun.  But they will be real, raw, often humerous because I deal with stressful situations by finding what humor I can in them.  That has worked for me for a very long time, I see no reason to stop now that I am on this particular path.  

June 12, 2025 was a long day, it was a tiring day, it was a hard day  But at the end of the day I found only a gratitude for the man I did not give birth to, but has made himself available to walk this journey with me.  He is the embodiment of his dad, who we all adored.  Rick and his wife Paula have stepped up and in.  They keep me focused on the big things and not on trivial matters.  Rick is aware my own son cannot right now do these long practically weekly events so he and his fiancee do what they can when they are able.  My daughter and Audrey have been up the mountain a couple of times and I am grateful for those times as well.  Everyone is crazy busy and I get that.  I am so thankful for the ones that keep me laughing. Our family is large and many.  We are noisy and we tend to deal with hard things by finding something to chuckle over.  You will always know we are in the room. Hopefully...ultimately...that will prove to be a good thing.  However, we have been asked to tone things down a bit from time to time.  It doesn't offend us, at least you know that life isn't always a crap show, sometimes it's a colorful circus.  And laughter is great medicine.  And laughing till you cry and pee your pants....gives you more to laugh about (after you change your pants.)

This journey is a hard thing.  I'm not going to lie.  And it is going to get harder.  But on the plus side, I have one chemo treatment under my belt....5 more to go.  And then a month of radiation.  I have a fight to fight and a game to win, but I won't fight it or win it alone.  The ultimate victor with be God with me as the beneficary of all his goodness and grace which I plan to shower on everyone I know.  Hopefully in the end, God's hand will hold mine as I ring a bell and hear the applause of people still fighting.  I think this is all possible for sure.  I am hopeful because my surgeon said he got everything he was after, the PET scan showed nothing lighting up.  So, I am being treated to kill off any little baby cells that were hiding in the bathroom during surgery.  We don't want them coming up and making mischief.  I have an 18 month window of possible recurrence.  I am claiming now, in Jesus' name it will not ever get a foothold in me again.  

The "Regulars" I saw today have much worse stories than mine I am sure of that.  So I solicit prayers not only for me but for those nameless people drifting in and out of not just one oncology unit a day, but thousands.  We may not know their names but God knows every single one of them and what they are fighting.

***Aftermath of  Day 1 - I slept like a rock.  I slept so hard I forgot to shut the bathroom door and Sawyer pooped on the bathmat in the night because I had shut the bedroom door.  He was desperate and trapped.  I know this, he's said so.  Today I feel pretty much like me.  My life goes on, nothing unusal.  The dogs have no respect for what's happening with me.  All they care about is the food bowls arrive on time the couch pillow are soft and life is all about them.  Yes, boys, it is all about you.


- Not every post will be this long - I wish I could promise you that but I don't like to break a promise -