What's New Pussycat?

 Much happening in cancer center these days.  Turns out while I was slowly poisoning my body, ruining my feet and hands and greatly diminishing my hearing and eyesight....a tumor was being born and growing in the area I had surgery.

My surgeon recommended starting radiation RIGHT NOW, but the radiologist connected to my care team wanted to do multiple scans.  So you know how this works....you wait for an appointment, then you wait for results, then you wait for a follow-up consult appointment because the one they scheduled for you was made in an alternte location 30 minutes after your scans were happening....and that location was almost 45 minutes away.  So you had to wait for another day.  That day came and since the radiologist knew you wanted to have your radiation done in the place you live, he pretty much just sent you packing.  The one thing he did do was suggest I get a DVD of those scans to take to the new radiation place.

The next day I walked in to the local facility only to find the other radiologist had not sent a referral so I walked in cold and plunked down my movie and made an appointment.  And I waited.  By the time I finally got an appointment with the new radiation doctor it had been 9 weeks since my final chemo treament.  He did his exam, ordered scans and embarked on a 2 weeks planning session on how best to treat me.  He did show me the pictures on the DVD (still don't know why I couldn't have seen those prior).  All that was on my mind was after all this time had passed how much had that tumor grown while be unbothered by any kind of treatment.  Quite a lot it turns out.

To date, I have had 7 radiation treatments and they are kicking my tail.  Because of the size and aggressive nature of my tumor (which I have named Tilly) my treatment level is pretty high.  Having to be somewhere every day is intense because the whole act of getting ready to go somewhere takes me forever.  It takes me forever because my feet still don't work and neither do my hands.

On top of this I am doing every 3 weeks immunotherapy....and surprise surprise both radiation and Keytruda make neuropathy worse.

I am still hopeful and optimistic that I can squeeze out a few more years.  I have 2 little dogs that count on me and I'd like to fulfill the committment I've made to them.  It is hard being in this place right now, because of neuropathy I can no longer do the things I'm used to doing to fill my time.  I can't sew, draw, crochet, knit or cross-stitch.  I can barely type.  So that leaves TV and I've watched so much of that I have a hard time finding things I haven't seen.

I rarely go anywhere for reasons mentioned above, so it's me and the dogs on the daily and I think they are bored with me but for now they are stuck with me.

Meanwhile I continue to ask these questions.

Why after all these years is cancer still "a thing" and why suddenly does it seem worse than ever?

Why do they put laundry rooms so far away from the actual source of dirty clothes?

Why do people turn up their noses at adopting black dogs? (Particularly shelter dogs)

Why do people in Arkansas not know how to merge?

Why do so-called Christian people refuse to forgive and move on?

Why do so many people want to take your story and make it all about them?

Where does a cancer patient go to have their toenail issues dealt with?

Who holds the answers to all these things that leave me wondering?

So that's what's new with this Pussycat.  She's not purring and cuddling up to anyone...she's got her claws out and is hissy and pissy a whole lot of the time.

But she's alive, still fighting, still trying to move out of this chapter into a better one.

Happy Thanksgiving!  Don't be a turkey!

And this year Shop Small - they need it more than big box stores or Amazon.

Sprouts

 In the spirit of keeping it real....I give you my little bald head.  Within days of my first chemo treatment my hair left me like it owed me money.  Oddly enough, I didn't worry about that too much....I felt that was the least of my worries.  Turns out I was right.

But lately I've noticed it is sprouting.  It's very hard to see but the chrome dome is covered with little sprigs.  In person it looks like a baby animal pelt.  I'm happy to see it but I know it's got a loooong journey and hopefully it can have a happy trip.

I've abandoned wigs altogether as my head is simply NOT big enough to make them look remotely fine.  So I stick with the caps with hair, or my cancer head covers (which seem to elicit a lot of sympathy when I wear them).  People tend to hold doors open for me or let me push ahead in line.  I don't wear them for that reason (mostly because my head gets cold AND I just don't think this old white woman has what it takes to carry off the bald look in public.)

I should have a radiation protocol set sometime next week and when that is decided I will immediately start those treatments (which are daily)...maybe we take weekends off....I'm not sure.

But....that will be 7-8 weeks and meanwhile I do the Keytruda infusion (immunotherapy) every three weeks.  This was a large component in my decision to hang up my working shoes....it was just too much to try to schedule since I always had to have morning treatments.

My neuropathy is still a BIG problem....I invested in a vibration plate and that came today so fingers crossed it helps out some.  Other than that I feel okay...not great...but okay.  Trying to stay on top of my house and me is challenging but I just do what I can when I can and learn to overlook a lot of stuff.

My friend Cathy rang the bell the other day and she sent me a video.  That is always an exciting day for a cancer patient as it signals the end of a phase of treatment for them...it doesn't signal they are cured...it simply signals they've progressed.  And for some of us that's okay.

In my good things box this week I had a great day yesterday with Theresa.  She took me to run errands and to my acupuncture appointment.  She also took care of toenails which has helped my walking a ton.  Then she came back last night and took me to a leave the house and have dinner courtesy of one of her friends (who heard about me through her and wanted to do something kind).  This was such an uplifting thing, to go to a restaurant and have a steak and a cocktail like a normal person.  I am so grateful for the people that see things and respond.  They will never know how much that means to someone who is virtually homebound most of the time.

I just finished my first week as a person with no job requirements and I have to say my stress level is a lot lower.  I will need to go in next week and get my personal stuff and sign a letter of resignation.  In and Out.  I will miss the people but not the pressure and the daily grind.  I think radiation will be grinding enough.

In the questions I would love answered department:  Why are they making movies these days that have no clear definitive ending?  Geez, you invest 2 hours in these things and are left wondering "what happened?"

Have a great weekend....we are having glorious weather right now.  I may brave the outdoors and try to soak up some sun and fresh air.  Be kind and be grateful.  Pray for those you know are struggling and then just pray for everyone else that they never have to.

God is reaching out....reach back....he will take your hand and you will feel better.

Decisions

 

Decisions.  I am so tired of having to make these.  But make them I must.

I've been quiet lately on the matter of cancer and what it means to me but it's time to spill it.

I am currently waiting for a radiation treatment plan to deal with the tumor that formed and grew like Alice during chemo.  Honestly I was hoping to get this going right after my last round of ehcmo but I am dealing with foot draggers in the medical profession.  Since that alien grew during the period of time I thought I might die from poisoning myself, I can't imagine what kind of party it is having in these many weeks that have followed.  I can't speed things along, I can't impact on things at all....it's just my body...just my life.

Meanwhile, my feet and hands are refusing to get better and I'm starting to think they never will.  Again, I've done everything I can on this front and can do no more.

All of this to say, today I quit my job at FedEx Freight.  A job I have enjoyed for 9 years.  The hours were awful and more problematic after I lost Roger, but it was a good part-time job for someone my age.  And, they have been wonderfully patient with me over the past year....I have missed a ton of work.  I loved the people I worked with and I will miss them.  But other than financially, that job no longer served me.  And, right now, I need to focus on me, on my health, my peace of mind and my ability to fight on through whatever comes next.

I was struggling to get in and out of the building and I could not bill fast enough or accurately enough to keep us at goal.  At the beginning of this journey, I told my boss that I would do it as long as I could but when the time came....I would fire myself...I wouldn't make him do it.

I think I will be fine.  I don't feel well enough to go running around town with girlfriends so I shouldn't be spending a lot of money and other than trips back and forth to doctors I shouldn't be burning a lot of gas either.  Hopefully, I can afford my streaming services since that is about all I can do right now is watch TV.  I would love to be productive during this time but my hands cannot crochet, embroider or sew.  Anything "fiddly" doesn't work for me right now.

So, I continue to ask for prayers not just for me but everyone that is dealing with "life" and finding it hard.  On a positive note, my friend Cathy had her last chemo treatment when I was doing my Keytruda infusion.  I didn't get to be there when she rang the bell, but I clapped for her before I left.  She has such a good attitude, I hope everything goes great for her going forward.

So, this week has been Decision Week for me and I hope I've made good ones.  I certainly didn't mske them rashly.  I thought long and hard and prayed hard as well.  In the end, I will do what I've always done.  No matter what decision I make, I'm always ready to take the consequences of them.

Thanksgiving approaches and it's time to count the blessings.  Maybe this year we can count them and then make an effort to enrich them and pay them forward.

I love each and every one of you so much and am so grateful for you in my life.

Tattoo-es and Bruises

Today was a day long coming for me.  I thought by now I would be well along in my radiation therapy but I was wrong.

I had 3 consultations with the radiologist in NWA and finally got my stuff referred to the local unit here in Fort Smith.  I simply can't do a daily up and down he mountain this time of year particularly.

I really like this local radiologist as he painted a prettier picture for me than the guy up north.  Although the protocol will be about 2 weeks longer than I was told initially.

I almost forgot my appointment today (I thought it was tomorrow).  But I managed to arrive in time....had my exams (not fun), had 2 CT scans (also not fun), and got 3 tiny little tattoos (that hurt like the dickens).  Those little tattoos the size of a small freckle are now surrounded by gigantic bruises.  I wish Roger was here, no one appreciated a good bruise quite like my husband did.

I have a Keytruda infusion Thursday.  Hopefully sometime this week I will have time to do this mountain of laundry I have been growing.  I never realized just how tiring laundry can be.

My feet and my hands are still numb which is causing me some issues at work since I simply cannot type as fast as I used to.  But all I can do is all I can do...if it isn't enough, I guess they can send me home.

I am super done in tonight....I think I'll feed my dogs and hit the hay.

I wish you all the best of all good things.  I pray for those of you that I know are struggling with things and I hope you include me in your prayers as well.  I certainly know I would be nowhere right now without the ernest prayers of the faithful.

God is so good to me, He provides for my needs daily, He carries me when my feet fail and so far He hasn't let me fall on my face.  I am very grateful.  And so grateful for the friends I have that allow themselves to be used on the daily.  I am certainly very blessed in spite of all the challanges I have.

Pray with intention for every issue you know.  Speaking it counts.

I love you all.