Do you really want to know?
There are a couple of programs I would suggest that paint fairly accurate pictures of the lives of cancer patients.
One is The Big C (Netflix series) very well done. The other is A Little Bit of Heaven (also Netflix - movie with Kate Hudson).
What these programs aptly showcase is the inner feelings so many of us are dealing with. While we may try to be outwardly upbeat and positive we are scared to death practically all the time. The toll cancer treatments take on our bodies is exhausting, humiliating and demoralizing. We aren't joining your events because we don't want to....we are afraid to. Afraid of an "accident" of some nature. This is isolating.....this is why others have to come in our direction....we do better at home. Home where we know how many steps to the bathroom, where things are located, how to navigate in a safe space.
Our feelings are raw and while we make huge efforts to keep them in check....sometimes we cannot. They spill over in frustration....not with you, but with ourselves. It sounds harsh and cold but we simply do not have the time or energy to care about your feelings. And if you can't see the supreme effort it takes for us to merely get up every day knowing what that day is going to bring and still try to be the best version of ourselves we can muster....I don't know how to help you. In so many cases, cancer patients have that "someone" (usually a spouse) who gets to catch all the feelings, who has to hold us when we lose hope and just want to give up. God bless these people....I envy those situations.
In some cases....like mine....I have lost my rudder, my safe haven, my heart beat who told me "it's okay", "it's going to be alright", "we are going to fight this....and win." And while I would love to have someone to hold me tightly in those little hours when the tears fall because my feet don't work and I'm afraid they are never going to again, or I become scared I can't beat this and at some point I am going to be entirely useless and dependent on someone......I would hate for him to have to walk this with me. He would hate it and it would be far more devastating to him than it is to me.
You might break a leg and be laid up for a bit, but usually you know there is an end to that and life will return to normal. We don't know that. Sometimes I think the really lucky ones are the ones who are told right off, this is terminal, you aren't coming out of this alive. Our decisions would be different I venture to say. But, for me, I am just trusting in medicine, doctors and most of all God that I will resume life at the end of this. I'm not expecting a decade....but 5 years would be nice. And if I can't have my hands and feet back, I would happily settle for my feet. My expectations are not unrealistic.
I cannot speak for others but in my case I simply will not listen to criticism, I won't be manipulated and if you try to gaslight me, I am done. I still have a good mind and am still capable....my body is just broken right now, it is weak and tired from more things than you can possibly imagine. I want no one around me that genuinely doesn't want to be here....because it is hard for me to ask things of people so you've got to be tough. I am highly cognizant of the toll it takes on others to have to carve out space for me and my stuff, therefore, it seems only the truly gritty among us can hang in with it.
This is why I want to get better, I have many things to "pay back" or "pay forward". I hope I get that chance.
Anyway, enough rambling...my fingers are getting tired and starting to make typos that I will find later and have to fix. If you want insight into cancer watch those programs and let me know if they give you a better understanding of what we deal with, suffer through and struggle over.
Have a great week ahead, stay warm, I was not ready for cold weather....suddenly I am cold all over all the time....may be putting the dogs in bed with me this week....best little heaters ever!
Love you all, thanks for loving me, praying for me and sending me good thoughts. - Lavetta
