"Crawling"

It's been a hot minute hasn't it?  The week following chemo is always tough and they are getting progressively worse.  No doubt making things more difficult is the fact they keep throwing new pills at me and it's just me here to monitor how they are playing with all the other kids on this playground in hell.

I've spent this week crawling.  Literally, figuratively, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually....all of the allys.

Neuropathy made walking not difficult....it made it impossible on some days.  I have mobility aids like canes, walkers, etc.  but without feet none of those are a feasible option.  And so.....we've crawled, we've had humiliting near soul crushing things happen that we had to fix ourselves.  We've given up, we've kicked ourself in the butt and began again.  We've realized we've got to do this pretty much on our own.  We pray for strength, we pray for release, we pray to wake up (this time) and feel better without being set backwards....hard.

Typically, this day is a pretty good day and things are starting to come around.  Today is not a typical day....I don't know why.  What I do know is that the next round of chemo will likely NOT be something I will be able to manage alone.

I was very lucky this week in the fact that I had 2 friends who made sure to either come by or check in every day and come running if asked.  But, I cannot ask this constantly of people who have their own jobs, families, duties, and lives.  So, I am asking if anyone knows someone who has some home health experience that could use a little $ I am certainly not opposed to paying someone for help.  I have 2 more chemo treatments left and I'm not sure I'm going to be physically ready for the next one.  And this week has shown that I could have greatly benefitted from someone here with me 24-7.  Which truly sucks....because who wants to give over a whole freaking week of their lives to someone who can barely function?  I feel like I am aleady asking a monumental lot of people to drive me places, run errands and things like that I just feel diminished and pathetic to ask more.

Real life problems of a lifelong "I'll just do it my own damned self" person.

So let me know if you know someone (must love dogs) who might WANT to help....the WANT part is huge....there's a lot of people out there who simply don't WANT TO.  I get it.  I don't want to do this either.  We are all changing relationships rapidly during these times of trouble....and one thing I've learned for sure....you do exactly what you want to do....always....it never fails.