Hi Ho Hi Ho

 Today, I head back to work for 3 whole days!  Wow!  Can I do this?  Three days....three evenings of productivity.....I'm not sure.  What I do know, is that I will try.  What remains to be seen is which one of these seven iconic little characters will be my physical manifestation today.

Will I be?

Happy:  For sure, I've missed my friends at FedEx and I've missed feeling like I'm part of something other than my diagnosis.

Doc:  I guess I have to take on a portion of this personnae....everything I do now is pretty much health centered.

Dopey:  I really hope not, I'm currently not on any mind altering medications that might make this a possibility.....but.....

Sleepy:  Is almost a given since lately I've been early to bed because Sawyer likes to wake up at 4:00 am.

Sneezy:  Will also show up to the party....there's something about that fine dust that comes filtering in from the dock floor that makes everyone there have at least 1 pretty epic sneezing fit per evening.

Bashful:  Has never been my companion and it's a danged good thing because I'm showing up tonight much altered in appearance.  It simply IS what it IS.

BUT..........

Please and thank you may I leave Grumpy at home?    I'd like people to be as glad to see me as I will be to see them.  I have much to be truly Happy about today.  My feet are working....I have things to cover my bald little head....my rash is almost gone and I'm feeling pretty good right now.  Maybe I can throw an 8th little worker into the mix here and call him Hopeful....I am hopeful that when Thursday rolls around for my 2nd treatment, things will be better and the side effects will be easier.  At least I do have a better vision of what can happen and I'm hopeful I will be much better prepared for them.

Today is the end of June.....there is a big holiday arriving soon, the birth of our great nation.  Regardless of who you support in politics and government.....please just love our country.  No where else on earth can you have the freedoms you have here.  These were hard fought for and won with the blood of patriots who would rather die than subject themselves to tyranny.  And, more importantly....we do have a King.....He is the sovereign of our lives.  Give thanks to God that you are alive, well, happy, free and able to worship as you choose.

And remember...........

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKF-_FEay60&list=RDCKF-_FEay60&start_radio=1

Gettin' Wiggy With It

 Well, the deed is done.  Yesterday I went to the sweet little guy who has taken care of my hair for quite some time now.  He could not bring himself to shave it off.....bless his sweet little heart....he cried and I cried.  We opted for a very short "bob" type cut knowing full well, whatever was left there then would likely be gone in a few more days.  But, he felt that he, personally, needed a period of transition.  And, if I'm being honest, I probably did too.  Because the last 3 weeks have moved awfully fast for me.

He also took my "free" wig from the cancer support house and trimmed it up where it wasn't quite so intimidating for me to deal with.  I was already having issues with the fact that it was blonde.  All the other pieces they had for older women were that iron grey and short style that made me look more like my mom than I already do.  I love my mom, but honestly, I feel the need to walk this path as just myself.  To develop how I want this journey to look for me.  Because this is very personal.  No two people walk it the same, or even have the same set of circumstances.  What happens to your body is the most personal thing there is.  And, while people can be sympathetic, emphathetic, helpful, and everything that is good in human nature....they will never ever know how it feels inside you....on this day.  And, let's face it....people who are sick (and look sick) make people uncomfortable for multiple reasons, most of them good.

And if we are being honest about it, I think people who experience this kind of invasion on their person actually spend a great deal of time trying to shield others from it as much as possible.  Because, it is scary.  For me, given the fact that they tell me they got everything they went for, which should mean I am cancer free;  the fact that it has such a high probability of coming back is the reason I have set myself on this course of action.  My other choice was to "wait it out" for 18 months and see what happens.  I guess time will tell if  I chose correctly.  But, it was MY choice and I will have to stand on whatever outcome I get.

At the beginning of this, when I decided to chronicle this messy journey, I promised to be honest, to be real and to be raw with you.  I am determined to stick to that promise.

So....turns out I am braver than I thought and so I'm bringing it to you in photographic form.  I will say, I have another wig that should arrive soon that is more MY color and style.  We will see if it is a better "fit" for me, in any case it will be good to have options I think.  And, I am also in the market for head coverings (that are not crochet or knit), it's too hot in Arkansas for those so if you see something you think is cute, send me a link.  Love to you all.....grab a hold of today and squeeze the crap out of it.

Somedays Are Diamonds.......

 

.....somedays are stone.

We are know it....all the cliches  "windshield/bug", "pigeon/statue".  Somedays are just good ones and others not so much.

Yesterday was a diamond for me.  If you are walking this journey with me just out of interest in my story, or you are looking for validation and understanding in your own (no matter what it is), I hope you find a little here.

After a very rough week last week, I made the trip up the mountain once again to do a follow up from the hospital stay I had here locally and to let my oncology team due their own assessments.  I was feeling so much better and other than the nasty "leprosy rash" things had leveled out, but still, I was nervous.

Rick drove me up and it was rehabilitating to spend one on one time with him.  He is so much like his Dad and like his Dad, he has the ability to make me laugh.  He's also extremely thoughtful and very kind.  All through the day, he shepherded my friend, Judy and I along like we were treasures to be protected.  We don't get that very often.  I missed having Paula along this trip, she is a very positive force for me as well, but the time with Roger's mini-me was so restorative.  It was having him back in a recognizable form for a while.

The oncology team took note of all the vile reactions I had from Round 1 and assured me they would be very proactive in adjusting my treatment to help me along this journey.  They also found I was very potassium insufficient and wanted me to do an infusion (which a a few hours) and none of us were prepared for an all day stay.  After all, lunch had become our primary focus by this point.  So, they simply adjusted the dosage of my oral potassium, gave me some steroids to help send the rash packing and sent me on my way...."see you on the 3rd!"

We did make a stop at their J B Hunt sponsored Cancer Support House which was a lovely facility where you and a friend can stay at no charge if you have a long drive and a day long treatment.  Fully outfitted lovely rooms, fully stocked and equipped kitchen, laundry area, sun room with games, magazines and puzzles.  Beautiful outdoor sitting areas.  And did I mention.....no charge?  I also shopped their well stocked wig shop and found something possibly suitable able a grooming at the hands of my hairdresser.  My hair will likely be gone within the next few days.  I hope I am honest enough and courageous enough to show that to you.  I will honestly try because I think it is important to communicate that nothing is more lovely that Y O U and what you reveal from your inner most being, the part that God formed, adored and shaped.

Lunch was fun and I could taste most of it that's a plus.  I was beginning to think I would be on a permanent lemon diet.  Judy treated Rick and I and we are both so grateful for her ever present huge giving compassionate heart.

We made it home in time to pick up meds and for Rick to go get his little loves (Ryker and Lynleigh) and whisk them away to ball practice.  Their sweet little mama (aka Angel Baby) has been so supportive of me as well and she's raising good people and I'm very proud of her.

Then I was invited to my son-in-law Jeremy's birthday.  That was a good time for me, good food, a lot of laughter and getting to know his family a little better.  Jeremy's mom recently lost her sister, her father, the father of her children and her husband in a very short time period.  These kinds of events are very hard on people.  There seems to be no respite to grieve, accept and process before the rug gets pulled again.  Please include her in your prayers....she really needs them.

It was a good time that I got to spend with Kaylee, Jeremy, Audrey and Logan....missed seeing Max and Ana, but hopefully that will happen soon.  And, I am missing my son a lot right now.  I know he truly struggles with his inability to be present right now but he is doing what he needs to do and I am very proud of his committment to overcoming his own personal challenges.  He has wonderful help in Angie (his intended) in this journey.   He calls her the "Thunderstick" and he isn't wrong!  She's a little dynamo!  

Today I am reaching out to my job to explain the plan going forward and see if it is workable with them.  They have been very good and very patient and I am so thankful for that.  I still need to work for so many reasons that I hope this will also turn out to be a diamond day.

My pups are content at home and that makes me happy....they have contributed  much to making my state of mind better....you can't stay turned inward when little creatures need you to be thinking about them.  They seem to know they also have to be patient and gentle with me.....what a gift we were given in the dog!  I hope I never have to be without one in this life....because for me....when there is no one here.....they are.  That matters to me.

Round 2 is on the 3rd.  My good friend Theresa has signed up to drive and sit and wait that day out with me.  It's a lot and in many ways a bit depressing to observe so I am thankful for her willingness to help with his.  It will give my other designated drivers a loooooong holiday weekend and I'm so glad for that.

This is it for now.  Still need prayers and I actually feel them.  If you can't comment with your name on the blog itself please at the end of your message just write your first name.  Believe me, I know who you are and it helps to know you've reached out to me.  Sometimes I may answer and sometimes not because the danged blog puts me as "Anonymous" as well.  LOL  I should be offended, but I'm still laughing.

Rattlers enjoy the weekend.....I will be waiting and watching for loads of pictures.  Make sure you tag people....some of you guys have gotten OLD.

Remember always.....Save the Last Dance For Me....dum,dum,dum.  Love from me to you.

Reckless, Hasty, Impulsive, Imprudent

 All synonyms for rash.  Apparently, I am going to get all the parting gifts chemo has to offer and maybe some yet to be invented.  This is mildly uncomfortable but not unmanageable, but I am getting weary of opening a new surprise every day.  I photographed the one part that wasn't completely disgusting (you. are. welcome.)  And only share because at some point someone may be heading down this prickly path and might welcome a little head's up.  I know I sure would have.

Tomorrow I go for follow up labs and a visit to discuss all the last couple of weeks have delivered.  News at 11!

Onward and Upward!  I'm still laughing!

I Can't Put My Finger On It

 

Oh, wait.....maybe I can.  First, I am feeling better.  Still a bit fuzzy around the edges and trembly and like a new toddler learning to take those first rickety steps.  But better.  I'm going Thursday to my Oncologist to do a follow-up and most likely a pretty intensive chat about exactly what the helicopter happened to me.

I have my little fuzzy boys back who are a bit put out with me because apparently there were activities at playland and I don't know the schedule.  Three times a day they position themselves in the middle of the living room and stare at me as if to say "what are you doing.....it is time for water sports, or tickle time, or chase the ladies."  I'm lost and apparently no damned fun.  I think Ozzie really misses Adam at Pawsi.  Ozzie has always been a dude's dog and he misses having a guy around.  Everytime the door opens he races out to the car and wants to go somewhere.  This is not usual!  So, he is obviously wanting to go somewhere specific.

I hope once other people are not dangerous to me I can return to work.....just in time for the roller coaster to take another loop.  But I need to work for oh so many reasons....finances, mental health, social engagement, etc.  We shall see....God is driving the broken down old bus so we will see where He decides it needs to go.

Residual effects of Chemo Round 1:  Still slight neuropathy in feet, numbness in  my fingertips, lots of unfun feelings in the soft tissue areas of my person and nothing tastes lovely.  The only thing I have found that remotely satisfies are things with a heavy lemon taste.  Those are Heaven right now.  My mouth stays pretty dry so I have started squeezing a lemon into my water jug and I find that easier to drink than just plain water.  I am so grateful for the nugget ice machine Roger bought me because I get a lot of my water intake from crunching ice.  Oh, and the hair......it has fled like it owed me money.  I keep it covered mostly because it is just downright intrusive....it is just everywhere.  I could be convicted of a million crimes, my DNA is so present in the atmosphere right now.  My wig has shipped and of course it coming from..............guess where...........CHINA!  But I do plan to avail myself of the services provided by the Oncology people in NWA to see what they have that might do in a pinch.  In case I get invited to a party or something.

This weekend my heart will be in Texas where my high school is having an all-school reunion.  I love these events so much and have been so fortunate to be able to go pretty often.  I even strong-armed Roger into a couple of them.  But this year, he had told me we would go and as soon as the date was announced I should write the check for the whole shebang and we would go together.  I think this decision on his part was based largely on the fact I talked him into going to his high school reunion a while back and he enjoyed it so much he finally realized just how much mine meant to me.  I was looking forward to it.  But, this year is not our year and it isn't my year either.  Maybe next time.....I really need these people.  These people who knew me when I was practically brand new with only the future to meet.  They knew me when I was no one's wife, no one's mother.....I was just me.  And they liked me....just the way I was.  And when I am with them I am that person again.

They are people who step up and step in.  Who help out, who pray fervently together and separately for the problems of others.  They are people I want to be.  My messages overflow with prayers and offers of help and books arrive to uplift me.  Just because I am absent geographically does not not absent me from their hearts.  This matters to me.  I have a double handful of really good friends here locally and in Texas I have an army.  Along with my family here and in Kansas I know I am loved and valued and I hope to return every gesture done on my behalf either back on the giver or forward to someone else who needs it.

I hope their get-together is full of laughter and wonderful memories.  I hope someone jiggles their butt off on the dance floor in my honor (that is usually my job).  And I hope they leave that gathering with renewed friendships and refound purpose to continue the Rattler spirit that we all will carry to the ground with us.  Maroon and White Forever, my friends!  You are all loved by me.  The class of 1968 will always be my safe haven.  On to Victory!

Who Kicked the Lid Off of this Bucket of BS?

 Where to begin?  Perhaps with a quick recap.  1st round of Chemo on the 12th, worked on the 13th, made it through the day fine.  The morning of the 13th (which was a Saturday) woke up with feet on fire....they said this could happen but I wasn't expecting it quite this soon.  24-7 phone line failed me, rode with this issue through till Sunday the 14th at which time the 24-7 phone line was answered with little solution.  By this time I was in quite a state.  Monday rolled around and I had 2 solutions offered, ER locally or find a way to NWA.  Neither were workable at that time.  Tuesday morning, I was very weak, more than marginally upset, scared and not sure what to do so, since I had managed to propel myself into the shower from a standing position, I opted to go the local ER (which is the equivalent of me asking for someone to cut off one of my appendages.  My daughter arrived to take me there.

That ER trip landed me in the hospital. 

For reasons in no particular order, raging UTI, low platelet count, low WBC, a fall, feet that failed me and unlenting pain.  I remained there till Friday afternoon.  I am still a bit unclear all that happened but I do know the wounds from the falls were addressed, I was given anti-biotics and I saw a lot of medical professionals who probably would have preferred not to since I am under the care of a competing medical facility which has no presence in our city.

Today is the first day I have felt any good at all and I asked for my dogs to be returned home because it is lonely here without them.  Since October, the rhythm of my life has been built by me and the boys.  I was not going to get better without their little selves here.

My feet still do not feel right, but they feel better.  All of my soft tissue areas (use your imaginations) feel like they have been doused in gasoline and lit afire.  I have zero taste and my hair is departing like it has a ticket booked for a fun vacation in some exotic location.

I also have another round of this toxic cocktail to attend to on July 3rd.  I guess I now know what to expect.

I have had people sit with me and help me and I am so very grateful.  Now, I am trying to stay away from people as much as possible since I am considered immunocompromised.  But, I know they are there and I love them for it.  I also am grateful for those who message, call and show concern as they can.

This is not a sprint.....it's also not a relay......it's a race for life from start to finish.  I started and I do plan to finish....I may be crawling but I plan on being there. 

"Feet Don't Fail Me Now"

 My feet have always been pretty small.  Small for the body they have to support anyway.  When they are "prettied" up with shiny polish they are moderately cute.  I have little toes that resemble olives.  Just a tiny sliver of a nail curled shyly out of the way...not to be seen.  My mom had such toes, my kids and grandkids have them as well.

Up until today I have been on friendly terms with my feet.  I've tried to keep them out of places they shouldn't go and they've held me up through a lot (not always without protest.)

Today, my feet and I are not friends.  They have turned against me when I need them the most.

You listen and you learn as much as you can about what is going to happen to you during things like Chemo and you try to prepare as best you can.  But, your mind just will often fail to allow you to know the real story until it writes itself.

My first round of chemo was on the 12th.  I was sent home with nausea meds and a phone number that would be answered 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.  I didn't need the nausea meds but that phone line would have been helpful Saturday.  There must have been gremlins running wild and free.

First let me say, if they tell you "you may experience this, that or something altogther neither of those"  BELIEVE THEM and ask the question right now.  What do I do for that because I think I can promise you that you will need to know.

I worked the 13th, I wasn't sharp or quick but I was present and willing and made it through the day.  I was very pleased with myself.  Saturday morning woke me in horrible pain.  Every joint and muscle from my ribcage down was on fire and while the joints were horrific....my feet were in agony.

That ever available phone number rendered no aid and I struggled all day with feet that had decided to mutiny and just not work.  On fire, tingling, burning, deep unlenting pain.  Nothing helped.

Sunday morning I tried the magic phone number and low and behold it worked but I woke someone up who really wasn't thrilled to be doing their job at 7:30 on a Sunday morning.  The litany of things I heard didn't help.  You must have dialed the wrong number, you shouldn't be in this much pain, take 2 Tylenol.  So yesterday was a struggle too.  I though that icing my feet and staying off of them would be the cure but this morning I was literally crippled.

I had to pawn my dogs off to someone, people have been bringing me Biofreeze and Claritin and everything else imaginable to try to get me going.  I couldn't work and I'm not sure I'll be able to tomorrow either.

Just so you know Taxol can AND WILL cause neuropathy in your extremities.  Count on it, it would be better to be pleasantly disappointed that it didn't happen than to be hit with the crap storm with no relief.  If it does happen, you will learn to position yourself in ways you never dreamed possible.  I found myself today with my feet resting on the headboard of my bed simply because it was cool.  Getting myself undone from that position took some time.

I will forever be honest with you about this journey....there is no primrose path full of dancing unicorns.  It's going to ugly and raw and it is going to hurt.  I pray I have the strength and forebearance to dance it.  

With God holding me and all of you lifting me in prayer maybe there won't be so much pressure on my feet and maybe that particular nasty little taste of poison can be toned down a bit so it doesn't make me unable to function within my own life.  I'm trusting.

I won't give up I won't give in.....I have things to do and miles to go before I sleep.  

Always loving you all and so appreciative of everything that is done on my behalf, please know that it will all be paid forward when I am able.