"Feet Don't Fail Me Now"

 My feet have always been pretty small.  Small for the body they have to support anyway.  When they are "prettied" up with shiny polish they are moderately cute.  I have little toes that resemble olives.  Just a tiny sliver of a nail curled shyly out of the way...not to be seen.  My mom had such toes, my kids and grandkids have them as well.

Up until today I have been on friendly terms with my feet.  I've tried to keep them out of places they shouldn't go and they've held me up through a lot (not always without protest.)

Today, my feet and I are not friends.  They have turned against me when I need them the most.

You listen and you learn as much as you can about what is going to happen to you during things like Chemo and you try to prepare as best you can.  But, your mind just will often fail to allow you to know the real story until it writes itself.

My first round of chemo was on the 12th.  I was sent home with nausea meds and a phone number that would be answered 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.  I didn't need the nausea meds but that phone line would have been helpful Saturday.  There must have been gremlins running wild and free.

First let me say, if they tell you "you may experience this, that or something altogther neither of those"  BELIEVE THEM and ask the question right now.  What do I do for that because I think I can promise you that you will need to know.

I worked the 13th, I wasn't sharp or quick but I was present and willing and made it through the day.  I was very pleased with myself.  Saturday morning woke me in horrible pain.  Every joint and muscle from my ribcage down was on fire and while the joints were horrific....my feet were in agony.

That ever available phone number rendered no aid and I struggled all day with feet that had decided to mutiny and just not work.  On fire, tingling, burning, deep unlenting pain.  Nothing helped.

Sunday morning I tried the magic phone number and low and behold it worked but I woke someone up who really wasn't thrilled to be doing their job at 7:30 on a Sunday morning.  The litany of things I heard didn't help.  You must have dialed the wrong number, you shouldn't be in this much pain, take 2 Tylenol.  So yesterday was a struggle too.  I though that icing my feet and staying off of them would be the cure but this morning I was literally crippled.

I had to pawn my dogs off to someone, people have been bringing me Biofreeze and Claritin and everything else imaginable to try to get me going.  I couldn't work and I'm not sure I'll be able to tomorrow either.

Just so you know Taxol can AND WILL cause neuropathy in your extremities.  Count on it, it would be better to be pleasantly disappointed that it didn't happen than to be hit with the crap storm with no relief.  If it does happen, you will learn to position yourself in ways you never dreamed possible.  I found myself today with my feet resting on the headboard of my bed simply because it was cool.  Getting myself undone from that position took some time.

I will forever be honest with you about this journey....there is no primrose path full of dancing unicorns.  It's going to ugly and raw and it is going to hurt.  I pray I have the strength and forebearance to dance it.  

With God holding me and all of you lifting me in prayer maybe there won't be so much pressure on my feet and maybe that particular nasty little taste of poison can be toned down a bit so it doesn't make me unable to function within my own life.  I'm trusting.

I won't give up I won't give in.....I have things to do and miles to go before I sleep.  

Always loving you all and so appreciative of everything that is done on my behalf, please know that it will all be paid forward when I am able.