Slip Slidin' Away

A year ago we were in full fall with Roger's medical issues.  We could no more process our information and formulate a plan than we would jerked back from that into a whole new direction.  It was like being strapped to a run-a-way roller coaster car hurtling toward the ground.  The one thing we knew for sure "this is going to hurt."  Hurt it did.  It still does.  And those events make today's events seem bigger, meaner, nastier and more cruel than I could ever imagine.

He was my internal engine.  My heart thrummed in response to his....living without him wasn't fathomable.  Until it had to be.  

Today, I have trouble even going back a  year and thinking on these days that have passed so quickly....because I have no answers for the why then and I have none for the why now?

It seems every new day that dawns on my own situation today brings new concerns, new fears, new worries that I am ill equipped to deal with.

THIS IS A LOT!

What started out seeming like a fairly "I can do this" situation is going south rapidly.  After finishing chemo and ringing that magic bell, I keep getting bad news, new information and it's beginning to look like I'm going to struggle to get this handled.  I have a PET scan next week which will hopefully shine the bright light of clarity on what is happening with me and I'm working to be okay with whatever that looks like.  I know the One who holds me and I know that whatever His plan is will be the best for me but wow, facing your mortality is hard....especially when you still feel you have so much more to do here.

It isn't just cancer that drives the train.  It is everything.  The toll it takes on others, the pain you feel that you show and worse the pain you feel that you hide.  Your mind whispers secrets to you....dripping poison into your thoughts, clouding your judgement, robbing you of quiet.  Your body is no longer recognizable to you....it betrays you on the daily by not working well, and not caring how hard it is to try to look at yourself while seeing someone not even remotely familiar to you.

The person who mowed your lawn can barely walk outside without a walker, teetering around on numb and faulty feet.  Your fingers that once could hand bind a quilt can barely manage to open a zip lock bag.  You are looking at someone that is quickly becoming helpless and you can't pull the brake.

And to make it a tri-fecta of misery....you are trying to overcome an avalanche without the benefit of the one thing that made everything in your life do-able.  You have lost that heartbeat that jump started your own and you have never felt less alive.  No matter what they say, grief makes everything worse and no one....let me repeat that....no one who has not lost their "person" in life can or will ever understand the level of pain that simply never leaves you.

It isn't just that this is hard....I know hard.  I've done hard.  But this....has taught me a master class in simply managing.  I have moments when I'm very proud of what I've been able to do in the past year.  And then, moments when I feel like the world's biggest screw up and wonder how I've managed to not walk into traffic on a bad day.  Pretty sure I'm not unique there.

So, today on this day of yet another doctor's appointment with new information, conflicting information and looks that telegraph a level of concern unfamiliar to you....I again wait.  Wait for next week....wait for clarity.  Wait for someone to magically have answers to questions I am still afraid to ask.  And I know that I would 100% be fine with whatever came if I wasn't alone without the person that made everything alright for me.  Because one thing we did for each other was protect the other.  We were stronger together because neither of us wanted the other to worry or hurt.

And still, I praise God that He has had a open highway to reclaim my heart as His own.  Just because I miss my earthly partner does not diminish the gratitude I have for God's infinite mercy in my life.  He has given me a good run here.  I hope it continues a while longer.....I'm not as quick as I used to be and there is much to bring together in tidy packages.  

I am also grateful for those of you who tolerate these random ramblings which today are pretty morose.  I promised real....I haven't lied.  Wherever my mind settles on a given day drives the narrative of my writing.  So....be of good cheer.....I am female....I may wake up tomorrow on a cloud of euphoria and regale you with a story of being stuck on a fence in pursuit of a dog.  Or one about being attacked by a high pressure water hose....or simply being lost on a long drive with the love of my life on a mild spring day eating pizza out of box and loving every second of it.