Decisions

 

Decisions.  I am so tired of having to make these.  But make them I must.

I've been quiet lately on the matter of cancer and what it means to me but it's time to spill it.

I am currently waiting for a radiation treatment plan to deal with the tumor that formed and grew like Alice during chemo.  Honestly I was hoping to get this going right after my last round of ehcmo but I am dealing with foot draggers in the medical profession.  Since that alien grew during the period of time I thought I might die from poisoning myself, I can't imagine what kind of party it is having in these many weeks that have followed.  I can't speed things along, I can't impact on things at all....it's just my body...just my life.

Meanwhile, my feet and hands are refusing to get better and I'm starting to think they never will.  Again, I've done everything I can on this front and can do no more.

All of this to say, today I quit my job at FedEx Freight.  A job I have enjoyed for 9 years.  The hours were awful and more problematic after I lost Roger, but it was a good part-time job for someone my age.  And, they have been wonderfully patient with me over the past year....I have missed a ton of work.  I loved the people I worked with and I will miss them.  But other than financially, that job no longer served me.  And, right now, I need to focus on me, on my health, my peace of mind and my ability to fight on through whatever comes next.

I was struggling to get in and out of the building and I could not bill fast enough or accurately enough to keep us at goal.  At the beginning of this journey, I told my boss that I would do it as long as I could but when the time came....I would fire myself...I wouldn't make him do it.

I think I will be fine.  I don't feel well enough to go running around town with girlfriends so I shouldn't be spending a lot of money and other than trips back and forth to doctors I shouldn't be burning a lot of gas either.  Hopefully, I can afford my streaming services since that is about all I can do right now is watch TV.  I would love to be productive during this time but my hands cannot crochet, embroider or sew.  Anything "fiddly" doesn't work for me right now.

So, I continue to ask for prayers not just for me but everyone that is dealing with "life" and finding it hard.  On a positive note, my friend Cathy had her last chemo treatment when I was doing my Keytruda infusion.  I didn't get to be there when she rang the bell, but I clapped for her before I left.  She has such a good attitude, I hope everything goes great for her going forward.

So, this week has been Decision Week for me and I hope I've made good ones.  I certainly didn't mske them rashly.  I thought long and hard and prayed hard as well.  In the end, I will do what I've always done.  No matter what decision I make, I'm always ready to take the consequences of them.

Thanksgiving approaches and it's time to count the blessings.  Maybe this year we can count them and then make an effort to enrich them and pay them forward.

I love each and every one of you so much and am so grateful for you in my life.