Running Backwards

 Sometimes when working with a semi-wild, untamed, unmanageable thing means you are trying to stand your ground while it runs backwards.  You are tethered to it with a thin strap of leather and it is going away from you as fast as it can.  You can try to out-horse the horse but that will result in that instinct it has to lose you by any means possible.  Your choice sometimes is going with it as far as it can go until it realizes you simply WILL NOT stop trying to tame it.

I am finding that my chemo treatments are like this.  They keep finding new ways to prove to me that they are the master of my destiny.  I'm stubborn....I just keep running at them with God holding my hand and saying....NO....you do not get to win this.

This is hard.  Being without my earthly hand-holder is the hardest thing I will ever have to do.  Not just for this, but for those dozens of little stinging things that happen to everyone.  Having no human vessel to pour these into to split the load and hear feedback is cruel.  But, it would be crueler still for my husband to have to endure these days....because frankly, his big compassionate heart would break over and over.  So, I'm glad he is where none of this touches him.

There is a lot about these treatments that can evolve and devolve each time.  I've only had 2 with another scheduled for the 24th, but there are enough similarities that I am learning how to plan ahead to a certain degree.  And, I am adjusting my preferred way of being ready, being pro-active and leaning on things I know will prop me up.  Yesterday, I had to go back to the treatment center for labs which led to a short infusion of fluids because my levels didn't look great.  Another reason, I have opted for a port....you can only slide in and out of veins so many times before they rear up and fall over backwards.

With round 1 and 2, I have found that days 3-4 & 5, are a bit dicey.  So, I need to figure out how to make these days more manageable for me.  Eating during this time is "iffy" - not because of nausea (yet), but because I simply do not have the feet, legs and strength to stand in a kitchen and make food for myself.  I have to have these ready to microwave.  So, while I am feeling better I need to spend some time in my kitchen everyday making little meals I can rely on.  I've also learned that working for me is likely not possible for the better part of a week after a treatment.......I HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH THIS!  My boss and my job have been more understanding than I could have imagined and the people who have to step up and in during my absence are some of the hardest working, unappreciated people I know.  They never make me feel bad even though I know this impacts on them as well.

My friend, Judy, lives near my treatment center so going forward (except for round 3 - Judy is taking an Alaskan cruise.....YAY JUDY!)  I plan to spend the day after treatment and maybe another day staying with her.  I'm learning that there is likely always going to be a need for me to show up at the clinic after a treatment because chemo likes to test me in little crappy ways.  I try to be careful with Judy.  She's had so many of her own set backs and challenges and yet she is always there....wanting and needing to help me.  Judy did not come with the word NO pre-installed and therefore you have to be super careful what you ask of her because she will move heaven and earth to do it for you....and she never considers the cost to herself.  This means my pups will spend more time in boarding and......    I HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH THIS!

My cancer support team is phenomenal.....they listen, they study my charts, my labs and then offer real options to things I am dealing with.  And they adjust with me, for me.  I have come to trust them that they don't want this to be awful for me.  I've never once heard them say, "well, it's going to be hard you know...you just have to suck it up."  This pisses me all the way off by the way.  I can show you some suck up if you'd really care to see it so offer kind suggestions to me or shut up.....YOU HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH THIS!  We all know people who have had cancer and have gone through treatment but I cannot hit on this hard enough.  Our journeys are NOT the same.  Because our bodies are not the same, we aren't going through this like a pre-fab cookie cutter object.  Tolerances, underlying health issues, age, life situations are all different and they all come into play here.  This is personal....as personal as grief....some just handle things differently....WE ALL HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH THIS!

Do I know people who seemingly sailed through this like it was a mild headache...yes, I do!  Do I also know people who basically went to ground and just shut out the world until they were ready to rejoin life...yes, I do!  Do I know people who lost...yep....my husband for one and we never knew what we were fighting.  Do I know people who won?  Yes....and I am so grateful that I get to see these success stories play out in real life with real winners that I know!  That is the hope I hang my lead shank on....I want to be them.

But more than anything, I want you....if you are traveling along with me to know me, to know this diagnosis, to know this treatment (which won't be the same for all of us) and know what we and the people we care about are dealing with.  I am here for your questions.  If you want to share the link to the blog I would welcome it and be so grateful that you think it might help someone.  I promise to try to live up to your trust in me.  Not gonna promise there won't be a bad word now and then....cancer can do that....it's hateful.  But, let's be honest, this dirt poor small town girl who was raised in the "patch" grew up on bad words, and good people, and honest hard work and a healthy dose of  God is in charge.  At 75 I am probably not going to change much.  With me you get the real me....all of it.  And....I HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH THAT!

My thing that made me laugh today is:  I no longer have to hunt for tweezers that like to run away and hide....I can pull that errant chin hair out with my fingernails!  That's a win folks!

Love and Light from 1/3 of the way through the tunnel.  Be someone's reason to smile today....they may be counting on you.