Forgive my Previous Pity Party

Sorry to leave everything up in the air and swinging in the stench of my previous self inflicted "feel sorry for myself" attitude.

I did promise that I would be real and I would be raw but I also promised to try to remain somewhat positive about this journey.  I failed.  I failed you all and I failed myself.  But, I certainly learned I am not as tough as I thought I was.

It seems the chemo journey just gets harder the longer it lasts....fortunately, this week will mark my 5th round leaving me with just one more to go before I start the radiation part of my treatment.

I've been a bear.....a literal bear.  The week following round 4 was the worst week ever and it honestly has not really abated.  Usually by now, I've been back at work a week and am almost entirely over the neuropathy and associated aches and pains.  I have been back at work a week but self-consider myself very little help.  My fingertips are still numb, my feet are trashed and I walk like a rolling drunk person.  So, I guess I am a tad bit justified in being fairly concerned with the toll this round of chemo is going to take on me.

I have learned that I cannot be here alone during that after week and I have that handled this round, thankfully.  My sister is going to ride this out with me.  The whip and chair she will need will be arriving from Amazon today I think.

To make things even more unsettling I've had several things that challenged me.  Had a foreign object in my car tire that had to be addressed.  But, we also lost a family member this weekend and that always just reopens barely haired over personal feelings.  My ability to manage minor issues is diminshed largely due to frustration over the impact chemo has had on my eyesight, my already bad hearing and my cogniive ability to keep multiple balls in the air at one time.

I have consulted a Neuropathy specialist and he had some recommendations that I will try to onboard this time around and see if they make a difference or not.  I really do hope so because this is maddening actually and adversely affects my "natural sunny disposition"....just kidding.  I'm not the best at masking feelings.  But, I also think I have kept so many things stuffed down they are organically bubbling up more than I would like.

All I can do is try

I will make an effort to not "go missing" again....but there was a lot going on recently.  To that end....please pray for our grandson Nick as he mourns the loss of his Brian.  Losing a partner is gut wrenching as well as heart breaking.  Nick is a very kind and gentle person who feels things very deeply and there is nothing that prepares you for this.  I ache for him.  It seems cancer is determined to dig its claws into our family with a vengeance.

Anyway, that is the update I have for you.   Treatment Thursday.....with a chance of storm clouds of neuropathy by Sunday lasting the week.  Pray for everyone in my orbit.....I feel badly for them already.