Turn The Page

 One at a time....slowly....one can't jump chapters without losing the depth of knowledge found in every. single.word.

The hell of post chemo round 5 is coming down to its' last few words for me.  It wasn't an easy week, but it was a week of deep reflection, soul searching, and opening up places inside of myself I like to hide in.

Those places are named capabability, self-reliance, competence, mental acuity, strength, resilience and bravery.

Turns out....I am really none of those things.  At the core of my being I am a helpless and frail human being right now in need of a lot of help.

After Round 4 brought me to the lowest personal point I have been to thus far in this journey, I had to have a very harsh talk with myself about not being able to ride this program to the end without a week of someone being here in the house with me.  The ravages neuropathy take on my hands, feet, and legs are scary.  Creeping around my house on feet that feel nothing is daunting....but you want....and NEED to keep your legs working because I can tell you, they will decide they don't want to do business with you any longer.  I had to talk myself into the fact there was no shame in pain relief medications because being asleep is your ultimate friend.  And I also had to beat down pride and say "I need help, and specifically I need this....(and lay it out.)"  That was hard for me, I am very aware of the time, schedule and just everyday life issues that make it hard for people to actually commit to something that isn't remotely fun....or easy.

It is hard to watch someone hurt....it's crushing to be blessed/cursed with compassion for others because you so badly want to help and there is often nothing....NOTHING you can do except be there.  Be there knowing you are likely going to get your feelings hurt, your toes stepped on....all for being present.  This past 10 days that job fell to my sister.  It wasn't a convenient time for her....she has her own things happening....everyone does.  But she showed up and she never left.  I made her cry...not on purpose, we had words a time or two...but we rode it out together and we made it to today.

Today, I sent her home to her own place in hopes someone will take care of her the way she took care of me.  She deseves it.  I am very grateful for the time she gave me....to rest, to heal, to not worry.

Things I've learned....Look into Georgia Hair Solutions and Salon.  That woman has a passion for women dealing with hair loss of all kinds.  She has better looking and better fitting wigs than most I've seen.  Look her up on Facebook, the stories she shares are inspirational.  Look her up!  I have also learned that the people who show up for you are often not the ones you expected to find there.  This week I have been blessed with food deliveries....and some wonderful human being gifted me a brand new fridge!  I have no idea how these things will ever be paid forward or back even but I intend to try.  At the end of this journey I hope I find my hands open to give instead of receive.  I want to put good energy into the world by being the actual authentic version of myself that some people refuse to see.  Instead of emulating people who simply don't care, I want to care deeply, honestly and openly and at the end of whatever life is left I want to be a person that could be counted on....no matter what....to be there in a need.

Tell your stories, be brave with your heart and your health.  Understand people need to know and you are the only one who can tell YOUR story....the right way.  Most of all....carefully turn the pages....read each one and re-read them if you must.  Be real....be raw.....be honest with yourself and others.   Our journeys aren't the same but they are on parellel tracks heading in the same direction....winning!  We will falter but we will rise and move on again beause we must...the other option isn't one I wish to entertain.

There is still light shining at the end of the tunnel.