October 2 - A Day That Lives In My Personal Infamy

 

But first, yesterday.  I had a follow up with my surgeon.  Not a great day.  After surgery....My people who were there for that and cognizent of the surgeon's post surgery talk all told me he said there was still a tumor that would need to be addressed as some point.   That message was relayed to me when I was able to understand.  But....during his discharge talk to me I asked about that and he walked it back saying he didn't say that, he consulted with his surgical notes and said "nope, I got everything I was after."  Well, guess what?  Apparently, he did not. This has a been the source of the internal bleeding that I have dealt with throughout chemo.  I literally do not know how to deal with this.  It was a Debbie Downer of a day.  He also said I need to start radiation sooner rather than later in "hopes" of getting this nasty little traveller.  And.......that my neuropathy is so severe he cannot say with any confidence it will get better.  Given my already huge challenges personally and otherwise, none of this "made my day."

And not going to lie....it makes the next month even harder for me to journey.  You see 1 year ago, we were dealing with what we thought was a simple dislocated shoulder on my husband.  After 2 weeks of nattering with our local VA clinic, we finally opted to go to the big clinic in NWA.  But, honestly if locally they had been "listening" we could have saved ourselves a lot of time, heartache and pain for our whole family.

Because, my husband's shoulder was the very least of his problems.  Turns out he was literally eaten up with cancer that we could have dealt with in a much more peaceful and quiet manner.....at home...in hospice....with ease of family access and love.  We didn't get that.  We got the knee jerk reactionary responses to each new wrinkle being served up....a wild ambulance drive down the mountain and a few days to cram in a lifetime of "I love yous", "I'm sorries", and "I will do what you ask of me's."  All done in too short a time with too much urgency and sadness.  A year.  It has gone quickly and agonizingly painfully slow all at the same time.  Never a moment my husband's absence is not noticeable....ever.  Never a day my tears don't fall from the sheer weight of missing his strength and assurance in my life.  Never a minute I don't think "oh, I need to call Roger and tell him.....". 

Right now, my life is on a tipping point.  I have no idea how to manage this.  I have some people I try really hard not to "use" but it becomes harder and harder to figure out every day when life keeps serving up steaming platters of challenges that I am quickly losing the bandwidth to deal with or even care about.  I am trying so hard to be positive and look at brighter pictures.  But, today....October 2 is the harbinger of everything that went swirling down the sewer a year ago and hasn't stopped yet.  It appears the real challenges of life for me right now will be how to maintain some semblance of the life I have opposed to the one I seem to be forced to live.

So, today....this is my struggle, my challenge and my life.  I will crawl out of this hole, the same way I crawled out of every day over the past 3 to 4 months short term and 12 months long term.  But prayers it will take in abundance and a renewed leaning in on God with the understanding that my life is ultimately His and He will reclaim it when He is ready.  His will is always perfect and perfect in His timing.

May you all have good days ahead and may you feel the prayers I say for you daily.  God knows you too....reach for Him....His hand is already there.

Love and Light from a longer tunnel. - Lavetta