I Ain't A-Skeered of You!

It's Halloween!  All my life this has been my favorite time.  Not because of all the negative connotations of this event, but because of the great memories I have from childhood.  But today certainly put a particular twist on things for me.

I had a radiology consult today (more on that later) but my friend Theresa and I were placed in an exam room to wait.  In a while a young lady came in and she was wearing an orange jumpsuit, had a do-rag tied on her head and she was heavily tatted in the face and neck area.  I mean did it enter my mind what day it was, no.  And after she took all my information and left, I remarked to Theresa that I wondered why they put their nurses in the equivalent of prison garb.  We chuckled over that fact until the doctor walked in wearing a policeman's outfit.  Then the day turned out to be pretty funny.  All the doctors were dressed as LEOs and all the staff were "prisoners."  They had mug shots on the hallway walls and their theme was "Lock Up Cancer."  And those tattoos?  Total fake.  Decals......every.single.one.  But totally believable!  I may have to have one.

While all this was super fun I did come away feeling pretty good about going forward with radiation.  This doctor showed me pictures of where my remaining tumors are and he was optimistic about being able to impact on them both in a positive way.  The Radiologist in NWA kind of gave me a "doom and gloom" prognosis about the small node high in my left side, basically saying he didn't think it was treatable.  He had me scared.  Luckily, for me, getting daily radiation that requires an hour travel time wasn't feasilble so I opted to have this portion done locally.  I told the doctor that I am trying to fight this and need someone to fight it with me....to be invested in helping me live not preparing me for the end.  I am a realist, I know I'm not here for 20 more years (even in the best of health), but I'd like to turn this page and have a few years that aren't cancer driven.  He assured me that he would do everything he could to help me do that.

Leaving the clinic, I stopped to talk to a young man and asked him if he had his wand with him because my feet and hands could use a little magic.  This is what he was wearing complete with ligtening bolt scar on his forehead.

 Long live the joy of dressing up and pretending to be someone else for a minute.

All I can pretend to be is a hairless cat.

May you all have good news today, no matter how small.

Waiting to Exhale

It is almost 8 am and by this time a year ago, we had already switched from tending to the needs and wants of my precious husband.  Now, we were expected to get about the business of realizing the crushing import of his life ending.  Fast.....all we have ever been able to say about the month leading up to this day....it went fast.

We weren't ready.  How do you prepare yourself to lose the glue that held so much together for so many people.  You can't.  Instead you just flip that switch on your internal cockpit that says "Autopilot" and away you go.

As a wife, you are right away thrust into this new reality.  You live in the same house with all the familiar things but the beating heart of your life is missing.  No longer do you hear "Hey Babe, can you come here for a minute?"  The patio door doesn't open as often.  There's no damp paper towel wadded up in the sink and you suddenly find you have trouble breathing.

Oh, sometimes, your ragged breath is torn from you in uncontrollable sobbing as your white hot tears trace now familiar patterns down your face.  Looking in the mirror you are shocked to find there is no scarring left behind that is evident to others.  No.....the scarring is on your heart and it seizes with memories that make you gasp and hold your treacherous breath....afraid to let it go....what if those memories go with it?

But, then you realize....those memories of the man you loved are so much a part of the fabric of your being, you couldn't lose them if you tried.  His face is as clear today as it was a year ago and the things that made him special are living and breathing in his children, in his friends....and in you.

My husband was kind, tolerant, gentle, compassionate, selfless, understanding, patient, encouraging, dedicated, loving, witty, shy and patient.  And he was a million other things....but he was my everything.  From the moment we caught each other's eyes around a convenience store gas pump, there was no one else on earth for me.  And never once did he give me reason to think he might prefer to be tethered to someone else.  And most importantly, he never gave me cause to be afraid of him.

I could write hundreds of pages about what he meant and still means to me, but somehow it seemed better to keep this like Roger....simple.  And so my love.....today I exhaled and I found I had no need to worry.  You are still with me, you still comfort me in the night and you are still my forever.

 

                                       "Devotion is love with wings" - Nietzsche

Needles and Pins-a

 

My 6th and final round of chemo proved to be a demon.  Always before I waa able to get to the point of feeling better after a brutal follow up week.  The last one is still hanging around but I think we may be approaching the final leg of that particular journey.

Maybe the fact that I just decided that I would do whatever it took to get on top of it.

So, in the spirit of transparency I will tell you that this child of the 60's aka Hippie Wanna Be did in fact embrace the benefits of medical marijuana.  And, yesterday I experienced accupuncture for the first time.  Both of these things have helped.  My feet are still not great but yesterday I was able to navigate life without "Matilda" (my walker).  Matilda and I have a bit of love hate relationship as she likes to go off on her own from time to time because I forget to lock her brakes.  I do love the fact that she is like having a purse on wheels to hold all my stuff.  But...she is a "friend" I was not ready to love therefore, we tolerate each other.

The accupuncture really did help.  My mattress is very old and the position I have had to sleep in (I fall in a divot) for months because of my feet has not done my sciatic nerves any favors.  Last night I was able to fall asleep without my cold therapy socks for the first time in I can't remember when.  I woke up at 5:30 am and had not been up even once all night (also not usual).  I am celebrating these little wins and giving all glory to God for putting the right people in my orbit to make truly helpful suggestions.  And praise God I am willing to be open to practically anything that might help move me forward in my treatment path in the hope that I can stand after this as a survior and a thriver.

My son and THE ANGELA are here again this weekend to hang out with me and do my bidding.  I enjoy them being here.  My son and I have a similar twisted sense of humor and he makes me laugh....sometimes when I shouldn't.  And Angie is a little cyclone of busyness so I just sit back and let her work.

Last year on this day we were preparing to bring Roger home from NWA.  After all the twists and turns, the starts and stops, plans and disappointments, we had realized we had just a little time to utilize and we wanted to be home.  Roger was concerned that he looked a looked a little rough around the edges and so this happened:

I just love this picture....there is something so tender and sweet about Rick serving his Dad by trimming his facial hair.  This is love, respect, and honor visualized.  Rick has taken on board the words his Dad gave him about going forward in life and every day I see evidence of his desire to live in the way his Dad did.  Not only did he make his Dad a priority during those last precious days, but he has also made me one during this journey I am on.  I am very grateful for him and his wife, Paula.  I know Roger asked them to make sure I was okay and they have certainly embraced that instruction....Roger has to be proud.

I just love the fact that my husband looks totally at peace while this trim is happening.  He was talking throughout this process and I just sat back and watched, joyous that these 2 had this moment together.

On this day a year ago, my time with my husband was speeding to the finish line and all I wanted was to hide him away and keep him for myself.  But he was so loved by so many people and time was so limited, I had to share him.  I sat in a lot of corners, watching and listening....but I never let him see me cry.  For Roger, I only had smiles and little inside jokes and naughty innuendos (he loved those.)  He was the best thing that ever happened to me on earth apart from my children and I will strive everyday to be a person he would be proud of....the person he always believed I already was.

This song really isn't a great one but I included it because it is the title of this post.  If you listen to it tell me if you this the Searchers just threw a bunch of random words into a salad bowl and then strung them together with music.  I give you Needles and Pins-a by The Searchers!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugDXpdjmpgw

Have a wonderful weekend.......tell someone you love them....somewhere someone is waiting to hear they are valued.

LKB

Why Not Me?

When life is challenging, it is so easy to ask God...."Why Me?"

Why did my life have to become a year long journey of struggle, pain, crushing grief, and daily uncertainty?

I've spent some time in this corner wondering exactly what I ever did (or didn't do) to warrant this seemingly losing hand of cards I've been dealt.

But the more I asked "Why me?" I kept hearing "Why NOT you?"  Exactly what would entitle me to escape the chance to put my own belief system to the test.  I'm not special....I'm not privileged....I'm not insulated from the trouble that comes with living.on this mortal earth.

So, why not me.  Wouldn't I take everything life has thrown at me this past year if I could save someone I loved from having to endure it?  And shouldn't I welcome the opportunity to take a walk of faith with God?  More and more, my answer was YES.  Gladly.  Has it been easy?  No.  Have I slid down into the abyss more than once?  Absolutely.

The very real human me faltters at times and on more than one occasion I have simply wanted to throw in the towel and just give up.  I've wrestled with despair and I've been tired of trying....A LOT.  But, I've never been much of a quitter and so I've hung on with a ton of help from people who care about me.  People who have stepped up and stepped in and didn't quit on me.

Yesterday, I had better news than I've had in a while.  News that encouraged me to keep on trying.  My feet are still dead, likewise my hands but still I am encouraged to not give up.  And honestly, that may not change.  Overcoming the human frailties of negativity and sadness are hard but there are harder things than those oddly enough.

Do you struggle with grief?  Try grief with a heaping helping of cancer and treatments and all the side effects that come with it.  Worried about your job?  Try not being able to work because physically you cannot A) Drive yourself there B) Perform well because of all the left behind physical limitations of your illness and C) By the time your work day is about to start all you can manage is finding clean pajamas and going to bed.  You start to look at things differently and you recognize that you really are not in control of much except your own walk with God.  And, you start to lean in.  

Your prayers become different and your faith grows deeper.  And, you realize how lucky you are to be able to manifest a very real relationship with your maker.  From the beginning, I wanted this journey to serve something....someone....anyone.  What a shock to realize....it served me.  It served me self-reflection, a deeper understanding of what I have a right to as a child of God.  It served me humility and honesty and it served me that quiet gentle voice in the night assuring me that I need not fear because God was with me.  And He was hearing me when no one else was listening.

I learned early on in life that there is no bargain you can srike with God.  You are His and you have nothing He wants other than your absolute trust.  

And so in these wee hours of a long night....I found myself called to write a testimony of sorts.  One year ago today....this was my reality:

I miss his hand holding mine.  But, I know that when his let go he knew God would take my hand and hold me safe.  So, in these struggles Why NOT me?  But, also.....in looking for a good outcome with maybe a little Divine intervention....Why not ME, as well.

Never let go, never give up, and believe better days are coming, prayer works and you can find peace in God's unrelenting love for you. 

 

Lost Highways

October 28, 2018....get lost with me my darling. Nearly 7 years ago this was my memory.

Yesterday we spontaneously took a trip to the big city of Lavaca, AR to eat at a little drive-in owned by a friend (R & A Drive In - it was great), locals will remember the famous L & J Drive In (Greenwood)...this little spot has that same feel and same good food...I mean who can't love a burger basket that comes with a salad?

After taking some time to eat and discuss the problem of life both on a world wide scope and a personal level...I mentioned I hadn't spent any time in Lavaca in all the years I had been in Arkansas. Roger said "well, we will drive it sign to sign and that way you can say you've truly been here."

Somehow the sign to sign turned into over an hour of driving some little traveled highways with some gorgeous scenic views, a few pockets of road where the trees grew together shutting out the sun and making cool, quiet, peaceful areas of blissful shade from the glaring sun.

It was late in this journey when my husband said "I don't know why I don't have my Google maps turned on" and did so. We had wandered far off track and instead of just seeing Lavaca sign to sign we also saw Charleston sign to sign. I was grateful to see civilization because I needed modern facilities by that point. It was a trip of good conversation, lots of laughter and me crossing my legs to prevent embarrassment. I came home and my blood pressure was waaaay down. I need to be lost with my husband more often....he is good for my spirit and good for my mind. Thank you sweetheart for losing yourself with me years ago....I am lost without you now.

**Cancer update** Today was the FIRST day in this last round of chemo that I have felt anything close to normal. I have been able to navigate my house today without the walker. Mind you I'm not quick nor am I steady but I have been mobile. My feet are still not present and accounted for and my hands are trash, but I can take little a little progress over none at all. Little things like loading the dishwasher, doing a load of laundry or carrying out my trash feel like Blue Ribbon winners to me right now. I had a good visit with my friend Rachel and that was good for my social life (which is pretty limited to doctors and nurses right now.) And tonight, my son and his Angie will be back for the weekend. We plan low key with lots of food.

I wish I'd met you sooner, so I could have loved you longer but I will love you until there is no more me here without you. I hope you always knew you were always my favorite moments.
 

Shock and Awe

Nothing on earth made any of us happier than to coax laughter from my husband.  He had a great sense of humor, but he was sometimes hard to get laughter started with.  Ricky could always make him laugh and over time, I developed the knack for it too...although it usually meant I had to do something really careless or dumb...but we got there.

One thing my husband knew about me was "I am an over-thinker."  You would think that meant that I rarely did careless or dumb things, but it didn't.  It seems the more I over-though stuff, the more likely I was to really step in it.

During the course of our marriage there were a few years Roger lived and worked in Kansas City while I kept the home fires burning here in Arkansas.  Our ultimate goal was to relocate there but than plan went all pear shaped and never happened.

But, when your husband is hours away and you overthink, you get in a lot of little tangles....all by yourself.

It was during this time we had the sister dogs Betty and Vernoica (aka The Shredder Sisters) and their lives contributed greatly to almost daily events worth writing about.  But for brevities sake, I will confine this to one event I will always call Shock and Awe.

We were still fairly new dog owners then and hadn't evolved to our preferred level of fanaticism so we were still learning.  The sisters were barkers, we live in town.  I hate dogs that just stand in yards and bark for fun....so I employed shock collars.  I know I know, I'm sorry.  But you will see I paid the price for this decision.

One day, I was changing the batteries in the collars and as I finished the task, the collar emitted a soft little "beep" and click, my mind engaged.  Did this hurt them?  Surely their fur protected them from real pain.  Overthinking..............How can I make sure I'm not harming them?  Overthinking..........  And, by now you know where we are headed here I'm sure.

Pressing one pronged control box to my throat, I made a deep and satisfying BARK.  I think I passed out, I woke up on the floor having wet my pants.  My vocal cords had seized up and I couldn't make a sound.  My eyesight was blurred and the sisters were standing there telegraphing "see, now you know, don't you?"

It took a while but when I regained vocal function I called my husband and started to tell him what I'd done.  He was obviously very busy as he rushed me off the phone and with a strangling sound in his voice assured me he would call me right back.  RUDE!

Finally my phone rang but it wasn't him.  It was someone that worked with him asking me what I had said to him because he was rolling on the floor of his office with tears running down his face.  In the background I could hear him laughing.

This event became great holiday entertainment that year as everyone had to try it and they went so far as to eventually branch out into a TENS unit with some pretty hilarious and sometimes unfortunate results.

In spite of it all, making Roger laugh was worth it.  

**Cancer update- yesterday was too big a day.  It wore me all the way out....not much has gotten done today.  But I live to fight another day.  Neuropathy in my feet seems some better but not enough that I am confident enough to just take out on a hike.  My hands are still gone.  Typing is "iffy" so apologies in advance for typos.  I am so hopeful that by the time the weekend blows through I have seen some improvement.  I'd like to go to work....I'd like to be with productive people....I'd like to feel like a person again and not a sick one.

But, today....I hope you laughed.

 

Slip Slidin' Away

A year ago we were in full fall with Roger's medical issues.  We could no more process our information and formulate a plan than we would jerked back from that into a whole new direction.  It was like being strapped to a run-a-way roller coaster car hurtling toward the ground.  The one thing we knew for sure "this is going to hurt."  Hurt it did.  It still does.  And those events make today's events seem bigger, meaner, nastier and more cruel than I could ever imagine.

He was my internal engine.  My heart thrummed in response to his....living without him wasn't fathomable.  Until it had to be.  

Today, I have trouble even going back a  year and thinking on these days that have passed so quickly....because I have no answers for the why then and I have none for the why now?

It seems every new day that dawns on my own situation today brings new concerns, new fears, new worries that I am ill equipped to deal with.

THIS IS A LOT!

What started out seeming like a fairly "I can do this" situation is going south rapidly.  After finishing chemo and ringing that magic bell, I keep getting bad news, new information and it's beginning to look like I'm going to struggle to get this handled.  I have a PET scan next week which will hopefully shine the bright light of clarity on what is happening with me and I'm working to be okay with whatever that looks like.  I know the One who holds me and I know that whatever His plan is will be the best for me but wow, facing your mortality is hard....especially when you still feel you have so much more to do here.

It isn't just cancer that drives the train.  It is everything.  The toll it takes on others, the pain you feel that you show and worse the pain you feel that you hide.  Your mind whispers secrets to you....dripping poison into your thoughts, clouding your judgement, robbing you of quiet.  Your body is no longer recognizable to you....it betrays you on the daily by not working well, and not caring how hard it is to try to look at yourself while seeing someone not even remotely familiar to you.

The person who mowed your lawn can barely walk outside without a walker, teetering around on numb and faulty feet.  Your fingers that once could hand bind a quilt can barely manage to open a zip lock bag.  You are looking at someone that is quickly becoming helpless and you can't pull the brake.

And to make it a tri-fecta of misery....you are trying to overcome an avalanche without the benefit of the one thing that made everything in your life do-able.  You have lost that heartbeat that jump started your own and you have never felt less alive.  No matter what they say, grief makes everything worse and no one....let me repeat that....no one who has not lost their "person" in life can or will ever understand the level of pain that simply never leaves you.

It isn't just that this is hard....I know hard.  I've done hard.  But this....has taught me a master class in simply managing.  I have moments when I'm very proud of what I've been able to do in the past year.  And then, moments when I feel like the world's biggest screw up and wonder how I've managed to not walk into traffic on a bad day.  Pretty sure I'm not unique there.

So, today on this day of yet another doctor's appointment with new information, conflicting information and looks that telegraph a level of concern unfamiliar to you....I again wait.  Wait for next week....wait for clarity.  Wait for someone to magically have answers to questions I am still afraid to ask.  And I know that I would 100% be fine with whatever came if I wasn't alone without the person that made everything alright for me.  Because one thing we did for each other was protect the other.  We were stronger together because neither of us wanted the other to worry or hurt.

And still, I praise God that He has had a open highway to reclaim my heart as His own.  Just because I miss my earthly partner does not diminish the gratitude I have for God's infinite mercy in my life.  He has given me a good run here.  I hope it continues a while longer.....I'm not as quick as I used to be and there is much to bring together in tidy packages.  

I am also grateful for those of you who tolerate these random ramblings which today are pretty morose.  I promised real....I haven't lied.  Wherever my mind settles on a given day drives the narrative of my writing.  So....be of good cheer.....I am female....I may wake up tomorrow on a cloud of euphoria and regale you with a story of being stuck on a fence in pursuit of a dog.  Or one about being attacked by a high pressure water hose....or simply being lost on a long drive with the love of my life on a mild spring day eating pizza out of box and loving every second of it.

 

October 2 - A Day That Lives In My Personal Infamy

 

But first, yesterday.  I had a follow up with my surgeon.  Not a great day.  After surgery....My people who were there for that and cognizent of the surgeon's post surgery talk all told me he said there was still a tumor that would need to be addressed as some point.   That message was relayed to me when I was able to understand.  But....during his discharge talk to me I asked about that and he walked it back saying he didn't say that, he consulted with his surgical notes and said "nope, I got everything I was after."  Well, guess what?  Apparently, he did not. This has a been the source of the internal bleeding that I have dealt with throughout chemo.  I literally do not know how to deal with this.  It was a Debbie Downer of a day.  He also said I need to start radiation sooner rather than later in "hopes" of getting this nasty little traveller.  And.......that my neuropathy is so severe he cannot say with any confidence it will get better.  Given my already huge challenges personally and otherwise, none of this "made my day."

And not going to lie....it makes the next month even harder for me to journey.  You see 1 year ago, we were dealing with what we thought was a simple dislocated shoulder on my husband.  After 2 weeks of nattering with our local VA clinic, we finally opted to go to the big clinic in NWA.  But, honestly if locally they had been "listening" we could have saved ourselves a lot of time, heartache and pain for our whole family.

Because, my husband's shoulder was the very least of his problems.  Turns out he was literally eaten up with cancer that we could have dealt with in a much more peaceful and quiet manner.....at home...in hospice....with ease of family access and love.  We didn't get that.  We got the knee jerk reactionary responses to each new wrinkle being served up....a wild ambulance drive down the mountain and a few days to cram in a lifetime of "I love yous", "I'm sorries", and "I will do what you ask of me's."  All done in too short a time with too much urgency and sadness.  A year.  It has gone quickly and agonizingly painfully slow all at the same time.  Never a moment my husband's absence is not noticeable....ever.  Never a day my tears don't fall from the sheer weight of missing his strength and assurance in my life.  Never a minute I don't think "oh, I need to call Roger and tell him.....". 

Right now, my life is on a tipping point.  I have no idea how to manage this.  I have some people I try really hard not to "use" but it becomes harder and harder to figure out every day when life keeps serving up steaming platters of challenges that I am quickly losing the bandwidth to deal with or even care about.  I am trying so hard to be positive and look at brighter pictures.  But, today....October 2 is the harbinger of everything that went swirling down the sewer a year ago and hasn't stopped yet.  It appears the real challenges of life for me right now will be how to maintain some semblance of the life I have opposed to the one I seem to be forced to live.

So, today....this is my struggle, my challenge and my life.  I will crawl out of this hole, the same way I crawled out of every day over the past 3 to 4 months short term and 12 months long term.  But prayers it will take in abundance and a renewed leaning in on God with the understanding that my life is ultimately His and He will reclaim it when He is ready.  His will is always perfect and perfect in His timing.

May you all have good days ahead and may you feel the prayers I say for you daily.  God knows you too....reach for Him....His hand is already there.

Love and Light from a longer tunnel. - Lavetta