Why Not Me?

When life is challenging, it is so easy to ask God...."Why Me?"

Why did my life have to become a year long journey of struggle, pain, crushing grief, and daily uncertainty?

I've spent some time in this corner wondering exactly what I ever did (or didn't do) to warrant this seemingly losing hand of cards I've been dealt.

But the more I asked "Why me?" I kept hearing "Why NOT you?"  Exactly what would entitle me to escape the chance to put my own belief system to the test.  I'm not special....I'm not privileged....I'm not insulated from the trouble that comes with living.on this mortal earth.

So, why not me.  Wouldn't I take everything life has thrown at me this past year if I could save someone I loved from having to endure it?  And shouldn't I welcome the opportunity to take a walk of faith with God?  More and more, my answer was YES.  Gladly.  Has it been easy?  No.  Have I slid down into the abyss more than once?  Absolutely.

The very real human me faltters at times and on more than one occasion I have simply wanted to throw in the towel and just give up.  I've wrestled with despair and I've been tired of trying....A LOT.  But, I've never been much of a quitter and so I've hung on with a ton of help from people who care about me.  People who have stepped up and stepped in and didn't quit on me.

Yesterday, I had better news than I've had in a while.  News that encouraged me to keep on trying.  My feet are still dead, likewise my hands but still I am encouraged to not give up.  And honestly, that may not change.  Overcoming the human frailties of negativity and sadness are hard but there are harder things than those oddly enough.

Do you struggle with grief?  Try grief with a heaping helping of cancer and treatments and all the side effects that come with it.  Worried about your job?  Try not being able to work because physically you cannot A) Drive yourself there B) Perform well because of all the left behind physical limitations of your illness and C) By the time your work day is about to start all you can manage is finding clean pajamas and going to bed.  You start to look at things differently and you recognize that you really are not in control of much except your own walk with God.  And, you start to lean in.  

Your prayers become different and your faith grows deeper.  And, you realize how lucky you are to be able to manifest a very real relationship with your maker.  From the beginning, I wanted this journey to serve something....someone....anyone.  What a shock to realize....it served me.  It served me self-reflection, a deeper understanding of what I have a right to as a child of God.  It served me humility and honesty and it served me that quiet gentle voice in the night assuring me that I need not fear because God was with me.  And He was hearing me when no one else was listening.

I learned early on in life that there is no bargain you can srike with God.  You are His and you have nothing He wants other than your absolute trust.  

And so in these wee hours of a long night....I found myself called to write a testimony of sorts.  One year ago today....this was my reality:

I miss his hand holding mine.  But, I know that when his let go he knew God would take my hand and hold me safe.  So, in these struggles Why NOT me?  But, also.....in looking for a good outcome with maybe a little Divine intervention....Why not ME, as well.

Never let go, never give up, and believe better days are coming, prayer works and you can find peace in God's unrelenting love for you.