Waiting to Exhale

It is almost 8 am and by this time a year ago, we had already switched from tending to the needs and wants of my precious husband.  Now, we were expected to get about the business of realizing the crushing import of his life ending.  Fast.....all we have ever been able to say about the month leading up to this day....it went fast.

We weren't ready.  How do you prepare yourself to lose the glue that held so much together for so many people.  You can't.  Instead you just flip that switch on your internal cockpit that says "Autopilot" and away you go.

As a wife, you are right away thrust into this new reality.  You live in the same house with all the familiar things but the beating heart of your life is missing.  No longer do you hear "Hey Babe, can you come here for a minute?"  The patio door doesn't open as often.  There's no damp paper towel wadded up in the sink and you suddenly find you have trouble breathing.

Oh, sometimes, your ragged breath is torn from you in uncontrollable sobbing as your white hot tears trace now familiar patterns down your face.  Looking in the mirror you are shocked to find there is no scarring left behind that is evident to others.  No.....the scarring is on your heart and it seizes with memories that make you gasp and hold your treacherous breath....afraid to let it go....what if those memories go with it?

But, then you realize....those memories of the man you loved are so much a part of the fabric of your being, you couldn't lose them if you tried.  His face is as clear today as it was a year ago and the things that made him special are living and breathing in his children, in his friends....and in you.

My husband was kind, tolerant, gentle, compassionate, selfless, understanding, patient, encouraging, dedicated, loving, witty, shy and patient.  And he was a million other things....but he was my everything.  From the moment we caught each other's eyes around a convenience store gas pump, there was no one else on earth for me.  And never once did he give me reason to think he might prefer to be tethered to someone else.  And most importantly, he never gave me cause to be afraid of him.

I could write hundreds of pages about what he meant and still means to me, but somehow it seemed better to keep this like Roger....simple.  And so my love.....today I exhaled and I found I had no need to worry.  You are still with me, you still comfort me in the night and you are still my forever.

 

                                       "Devotion is love with wings" - Nietzsche