I Am Unanimous in My Confusion

 

I am giant bundle of all these words as they relate to my every day existence.

Why?

Because cancer gives us NO guarantees....it makes no pleasant promises.  It doesn't stroke our feverish forehead amd murmur soothing words of comfort.  Instead it offers a whole laundry list of things we don't want to get comfortable with.  It wakes us in the night screaming in our consciousness with threats and "what ifs."

Why?

Because, if we get comfortable in the doubt and confusion....we wind up not only fighting for a healing of the flesh, but also for clarity of the mind, and for peace of the spirit.

And why not?!

Because the nature of this beast isn't about comfort or joy.....it's abour pain, confusion, and turmoil.

What challenges me today?  Oh, the same things as yesterday....neuropathy, lack of mobility, exhaustion, fear, irrational panic over small things like events we aren't sure of, and mostly of the burden we know we are to so many people.

Why not....

...just give up, stop the battle, find a comfy chair and wait to go softly into a place where the battle rages no more.  There would be order, certainty, safety, calmness, and surety.  Herein, is the essence of the evil one using ourselves against ourselves to win for himself his greatest prize.....us.

But God....

Said this:

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.  For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.  Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.  Stand, therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;  and your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;  above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.  And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God:  praying always with all prayer and supplecation in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;  and for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in bonds: that therein I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.  Ephesians 6: 12-20

And so....

I will continue on....believing and praying for healing in my body, clarity in my mind, peace in my spirit, love in my heart, and quiet in my life, relationships, and surroundings.  And most of all that God in his infinite wisdom and compassion sees me, hears me, holds me and loves me as his own precious child.  That God will offer to me his mercy and grace and provide the strength to wear His armour with courage.

This weekend, I shall try very hard to bring you up-to-date on this cancer journey...raw,unfiltered and decidedly tiring.  

But

For now....I leave you with this:

"May the grace of the Lord, Jesus Christ, and love of God, and the communion of the Holy Ghost, be with you all.  Amen"  Leviticus 19:34

And

My love to you all as well....for your prayers, your gifts, your concern and love for me....I thank you.

Baby Steps

 

It is said we first must crawl before we walk and walk before we run.  We think we have to master this but once in our lives....but, for some of us, we have to relearn the basic procedures for navigating the world.

Friday I had my follow up appointment with the ortho doctor.  My breaks in my left foot and right ankle (fibula) are healing nicely.  Therefore, I can stop wearing the "boot" unless I'm leaving the house.  I hate that torture device so much I refuse to leave the house.  Not having to drag that heavy thing around also means I don't have to depend on the walker full time and can go back to the cane.  It is surprising how much energy it takes to move one's self around encumbered by a walker and a boot.  I feel somewhat liberated.  It was good timing to since I am now in the phase of a handful of radiation treatments left.  Now the area of concentration for the beam is smaller and more intense....with fewer passes of the machine....and it's pretty draining.

If all goes well, I will finish radiation next week and will finally get to have my many-times cancelled Keytruda immunotherapy treatment.  I am looking forward to a "pause" in the action to hopefully re-build my strength a little.  Lately, I've been dragging.  I'm having difficulty eating because nothing wants to stay with me and I've experienced nausea for the first time since all this began.

My dogs have come home and they keep watchful eyes on me while judiciously staying out of range should I decide to take another tumble.  I've had so much unselfish, kind and compassionate help I will never be able to give back to a sufficient degree.  I am very very lucky!  And I have hair again....not much but I'll take it even though it appears to growing in about 15 different directions.  (Picture follows)

My friend Cathy goes for her surgery on the 13th....I ask that you keep her in your prayers.  She found out her tumor is a "surface" one which is why chemo didn't affect it.  You literally learn new things every day with this disease!  Continued prayers for Debbie and Shane.  And also, all the people living breathlessly in hope that they will be one of the lucky ones that get to have a future free of cancer.

Thanks to my precious cousin Becky for the care package of things to make my body feel better.  She is so very thoughtful.....always.  And, she is loved!

Thinking a nap might be good about now so I'm shutting down for a bit.  I love you all and am so thankful for your continued prayers, offers of support and understanding.  You mean the world to me!

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. ISAIAH 40: 31(KJV)

Hello New Year

2026....a brand new year.  I have been quiet lately because the end of 2025 kept me hopping.  Not really, but that would have been nice.

Still dealing with neuropathy that has stopped frustrating me and now just makes me mad as pissed off fire ant.  Then I contracted a Noro-virus which came very close to ending me.  Not in the best of shape physically that sucker took me down.  And the Monday before Christmas my blood pressure tanked and I wound up falling in my kitchen.

The second I hit the floor I knew it wasn't good but I managed to get myself up and called for "back-up".  Long story short I was admitted to the hospital with fractures in both my feet.  2 broken toes and fractured small bones on the top of my left foot and a fractured fibula in my right leg.  So....already hobbling around like Mr. Tudball (IYKYK) and now I couldn't outrun a turtle in a foot race.  Turns out the hospital was likely a Godsend as I had a mild UTI and my hemoglobin was dangerously low requiring a blood transfusion.  My blood pressure was so low they couldn't give me pain meds for about 18 hours.  But they got me back up and going even though the after effects of the stomach virus were still lingering around.  They sent me home the day before Christmas and here I've been since.

During all of the above, I missed multiple radiation treatments which means those will continue in January for a while.

I am getting around at home with a walker as I have to keep as much weight as possible off my right leg and have finally consented to certain wheelchair rides when called for.  I've also had to turn loose of a lot of pride and allow help when offered.

Since this has all transpired through 3 holidays trying to find in home health care or a short term rehab placement is proving difficult....but it's a new year so I'm hopeful that will resolve soon.

On a brighter note....today my daughter in law, Paula is cooking a "family" New Year's lunch and I'm force feeding black eyed peas to everyone with a mouth.  I need a normal event for a change....my life has just been a relentless cycle of doctors, clinics, treatments and you can't "live" there very happily.

I'm ready for change.  My hair is growing back and I'm actually feeling fairly optimistic about what is to come.  Either way....I am ready and other than missing my dogs like crazy my days are pretty good.  Every day at radiation, I see people who make me realize just how very lucky I am.  Stark reality is a great teacher if you have the ability to look at yourself realistically without filtering everything through the lens of your own feelings.  Do I get weepy?  Yes.  Am I sometimes angry?  Yep.  But I am also very grateful for so very much and I hope to be able to pay things forward one day.

Please pray for my friend Cathy as the New Year will bring her an experimental surgery that we are very hopeful for.  Pray for Debbie and Shane as well.  And pray for all those nameless people who continue to show up with hope in their heart that there will be a happy ending for them.

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." -Psalm 46:1

God lifted me from my kitchen floor, He can surely reach you as well.

Happy New Year with love from me to you.

 

Do You Really Want To Know?

Probably everyone knows someone who has had, survived or is fighting cancer.  But....do you actually know what they are dealing with?

Do you really want to know?

There are a couple of programs I would suggest that paint fairly accurate pictures of the lives of cancer patients.

One is The Big C (Netflix series) very well done.  The other is A Little Bit of Heaven (also Netflix - movie with Kate Hudson).

What these programs aptly showcase is the inner feelings so many of us are dealing with.  While we may try to be outwardly upbeat and positive we are scared to death practically all the time.  The toll cancer treatments take on our bodies is exhausting, humiliating and demoralizing.  We aren't joining your events because we don't want to....we are afraid to.  Afraid of an "accident" of some nature.  This is isolating.....this is why others have to come in our direction....we do better at home.  Home where we know how many steps to the bathroom, where things are located, how to navigate in a safe space.

Our feelings are raw and while we make huge efforts to keep them in check....sometimes we cannot.  They spill over in frustration....not with you, but with ourselves.  It sounds harsh and cold but we simply do not have the time or energy to care about your feelings.  And if you can't see the supreme effort it takes for us to merely get up every day knowing what that day is going to bring and still try to be the best version of ourselves we can muster....I don't know how to help you.   In so many cases, cancer patients have that "someone" (usually a spouse) who gets to catch all the feelings, who has to hold us when we lose hope and just want to give up.  God bless these people....I envy those situations.

In some cases....like mine....I have lost my rudder, my safe haven, my heart beat who told me "it's okay", "it's going to be alright", "we are going to fight this....and win."  And while I would love to have someone to hold me tightly in those little hours when the tears fall because my feet don't work and I'm afraid they are never going to again, or I become scared I can't beat this and at some point I am going to be entirely useless and dependent on someone......I would hate for him to have to walk this with me.  He would hate it and it would be far more devastating to him than it is to me.

You might break a leg and be laid up for a bit, but usually you know there is an end to that and life will return to normal.  We don't know that.  Sometimes I think the really lucky ones are the ones who are told right off, this is terminal, you aren't coming out of this alive.  Our decisions would be different I venture to say.  But, for me, I am just trusting in medicine, doctors and most of all God that I will resume life at the end of this.  I'm not expecting a decade....but 5 years would be nice.  And if I can't have my hands and feet back, I would happily settle for my feet.  My expectations are not unrealistic.

I cannot speak for others but in my case I simply will not listen to criticism, I won't be manipulated and if you try to gaslight me, I am done.  I still have a good mind and am still capable....my body is just broken right now, it is weak and tired from more things than you can possibly imagine.  I want no one around me that genuinely doesn't want to be here....because it is hard for me to ask things of people so you've got to be tough.  I am highly cognizant of the toll it takes on others to have to carve out space for me and my stuff, therefore, it seems only the truly gritty among us can hang in with it.  

This is why I want to get better, I have many things to "pay back" or "pay forward".  I hope I get that chance.

Anyway, enough rambling...my fingers are getting tired and starting to make typos that I will find later and have to fix.  If you want insight into cancer watch those programs and let me know if they give you a better understanding of what we deal with, suffer through and struggle over.

Have a great week ahead, stay warm, I was not ready for cold weather....suddenly I am cold all over all the time....may be putting the dogs in bed with me this week....best little heaters ever!

Love you all, thanks for loving me, praying for me and sending me good thoughts. - Lavetta

 

What's New Pussycat?

 Much happening in cancer center these days.  Turns out while I was slowly poisoning my body, ruining my feet and hands and greatly diminishing my hearing and eyesight....a tumor was being born and growing in the area I had surgery.

My surgeon recommended starting radiation RIGHT NOW, but the radiologist connected to my care team wanted to do multiple scans.  So you know how this works....you wait for an appointment, then you wait for results, then you wait for a follow-up consult appointment because the one they scheduled for you was made in an alternte location 30 minutes after your scans were happening....and that location was almost 45 minutes away.  So you had to wait for another day.  That day came and since the radiologist knew you wanted to have your radiation done in the place you live, he pretty much just sent you packing.  The one thing he did do was suggest I get a DVD of those scans to take to the new radiation place.

The next day I walked in to the local facility only to find the other radiologist had not sent a referral so I walked in cold and plunked down my movie and made an appointment.  And I waited.  By the time I finally got an appointment with the new radiation doctor it had been 9 weeks since my final chemo treament.  He did his exam, ordered scans and embarked on a 2 weeks planning session on how best to treat me.  He did show me the pictures on the DVD (still don't know why I couldn't have seen those prior).  All that was on my mind was after all this time had passed how much had that tumor grown while be unbothered by any kind of treatment.  Quite a lot it turns out.

To date, I have had 7 radiation treatments and they are kicking my tail.  Because of the size and aggressive nature of my tumor (which I have named Tilly) my treatment level is pretty high.  Having to be somewhere every day is intense because the whole act of getting ready to go somewhere takes me forever.  It takes me forever because my feet still don't work and neither do my hands.

On top of this I am doing every 3 weeks immunotherapy....and surprise surprise both radiation and Keytruda make neuropathy worse.

I am still hopeful and optimistic that I can squeeze out a few more years.  I have 2 little dogs that count on me and I'd like to fulfill the committment I've made to them.  It is hard being in this place right now, because of neuropathy I can no longer do the things I'm used to doing to fill my time.  I can't sew, draw, crochet, knit or cross-stitch.  I can barely type.  So that leaves TV and I've watched so much of that I have a hard time finding things I haven't seen.

I rarely go anywhere for reasons mentioned above, so it's me and the dogs on the daily and I think they are bored with me but for now they are stuck with me.

Meanwhile I continue to ask these questions.

Why after all these years is cancer still "a thing" and why suddenly does it seem worse than ever?

Why do they put laundry rooms so far away from the actual source of dirty clothes?

Why do people turn up their noses at adopting black dogs? (Particularly shelter dogs)

Why do people in Arkansas not know how to merge?

Why do so-called Christian people refuse to forgive and move on?

Why do so many people want to take your story and make it all about them?

Where does a cancer patient go to have their toenail issues dealt with?

Who holds the answers to all these things that leave me wondering?

So that's what's new with this Pussycat.  She's not purring and cuddling up to anyone...she's got her claws out and is hissy and pissy a whole lot of the time.

But she's alive, still fighting, still trying to move out of this chapter into a better one.

Happy Thanksgiving!  Don't be a turkey!

And this year Shop Small - they need it more than big box stores or Amazon.

Sprouts

 In the spirit of keeping it real....I give you my little bald head.  Within days of my first chemo treatment my hair left me like it owed me money.  Oddly enough, I didn't worry about that too much....I felt that was the least of my worries.  Turns out I was right.

But lately I've noticed it is sprouting.  It's very hard to see but the chrome dome is covered with little sprigs.  In person it looks like a baby animal pelt.  I'm happy to see it but I know it's got a loooong journey and hopefully it can have a happy trip.

I've abandoned wigs altogether as my head is simply NOT big enough to make them look remotely fine.  So I stick with the caps with hair, or my cancer head covers (which seem to elicit a lot of sympathy when I wear them).  People tend to hold doors open for me or let me push ahead in line.  I don't wear them for that reason (mostly because my head gets cold AND I just don't think this old white woman has what it takes to carry off the bald look in public.)

I should have a radiation protocol set sometime next week and when that is decided I will immediately start those treatments (which are daily)...maybe we take weekends off....I'm not sure.

But....that will be 7-8 weeks and meanwhile I do the Keytruda infusion (immunotherapy) every three weeks.  This was a large component in my decision to hang up my working shoes....it was just too much to try to schedule since I always had to have morning treatments.

My neuropathy is still a BIG problem....I invested in a vibration plate and that came today so fingers crossed it helps out some.  Other than that I feel okay...not great...but okay.  Trying to stay on top of my house and me is challenging but I just do what I can when I can and learn to overlook a lot of stuff.

My friend Cathy rang the bell the other day and she sent me a video.  That is always an exciting day for a cancer patient as it signals the end of a phase of treatment for them...it doesn't signal they are cured...it simply signals they've progressed.  And for some of us that's okay.

In my good things box this week I had a great day yesterday with Theresa.  She took me to run errands and to my acupuncture appointment.  She also took care of toenails which has helped my walking a ton.  Then she came back last night and took me to a leave the house and have dinner courtesy of one of her friends (who heard about me through her and wanted to do something kind).  This was such an uplifting thing, to go to a restaurant and have a steak and a cocktail like a normal person.  I am so grateful for the people that see things and respond.  They will never know how much that means to someone who is virtually homebound most of the time.

I just finished my first week as a person with no job requirements and I have to say my stress level is a lot lower.  I will need to go in next week and get my personal stuff and sign a letter of resignation.  In and Out.  I will miss the people but not the pressure and the daily grind.  I think radiation will be grinding enough.

In the questions I would love answered department:  Why are they making movies these days that have no clear definitive ending?  Geez, you invest 2 hours in these things and are left wondering "what happened?"

Have a great weekend....we are having glorious weather right now.  I may brave the outdoors and try to soak up some sun and fresh air.  Be kind and be grateful.  Pray for those you know are struggling and then just pray for everyone else that they never have to.

God is reaching out....reach back....he will take your hand and you will feel better.

Decisions

 

Decisions.  I am so tired of having to make these.  But make them I must.

I've been quiet lately on the matter of cancer and what it means to me but it's time to spill it.

I am currently waiting for a radiation treatment plan to deal with the tumor that formed and grew like Alice during chemo.  Honestly I was hoping to get this going right after my last round of ehcmo but I am dealing with foot draggers in the medical profession.  Since that alien grew during the period of time I thought I might die from poisoning myself, I can't imagine what kind of party it is having in these many weeks that have followed.  I can't speed things along, I can't impact on things at all....it's just my body...just my life.

Meanwhile, my feet and hands are refusing to get better and I'm starting to think they never will.  Again, I've done everything I can on this front and can do no more.

All of this to say, today I quit my job at FedEx Freight.  A job I have enjoyed for 9 years.  The hours were awful and more problematic after I lost Roger, but it was a good part-time job for someone my age.  And, they have been wonderfully patient with me over the past year....I have missed a ton of work.  I loved the people I worked with and I will miss them.  But other than financially, that job no longer served me.  And, right now, I need to focus on me, on my health, my peace of mind and my ability to fight on through whatever comes next.

I was struggling to get in and out of the building and I could not bill fast enough or accurately enough to keep us at goal.  At the beginning of this journey, I told my boss that I would do it as long as I could but when the time came....I would fire myself...I wouldn't make him do it.

I think I will be fine.  I don't feel well enough to go running around town with girlfriends so I shouldn't be spending a lot of money and other than trips back and forth to doctors I shouldn't be burning a lot of gas either.  Hopefully, I can afford my streaming services since that is about all I can do right now is watch TV.  I would love to be productive during this time but my hands cannot crochet, embroider or sew.  Anything "fiddly" doesn't work for me right now.

So, I continue to ask for prayers not just for me but everyone that is dealing with "life" and finding it hard.  On a positive note, my friend Cathy had her last chemo treatment when I was doing my Keytruda infusion.  I didn't get to be there when she rang the bell, but I clapped for her before I left.  She has such a good attitude, I hope everything goes great for her going forward.

So, this week has been Decision Week for me and I hope I've made good ones.  I certainly didn't mske them rashly.  I thought long and hard and prayed hard as well.  In the end, I will do what I've always done.  No matter what decision I make, I'm always ready to take the consequences of them.

Thanksgiving approaches and it's time to count the blessings.  Maybe this year we can count them and then make an effort to enrich them and pay them forward.

I love each and every one of you so much and am so grateful for you in my life.

Tattoo-es and Bruises

Today was a day long coming for me.  I thought by now I would be well along in my radiation therapy but I was wrong.

I had 3 consultations with the radiologist in NWA and finally got my stuff referred to the local unit here in Fort Smith.  I simply can't do a daily up and down he mountain this time of year particularly.

I really like this local radiologist as he painted a prettier picture for me than the guy up north.  Although the protocol will be about 2 weeks longer than I was told initially.

I almost forgot my appointment today (I thought it was tomorrow).  But I managed to arrive in time....had my exams (not fun), had 2 CT scans (also not fun), and got 3 tiny little tattoos (that hurt like the dickens).  Those little tattoos the size of a small freckle are now surrounded by gigantic bruises.  I wish Roger was here, no one appreciated a good bruise quite like my husband did.

I have a Keytruda infusion Thursday.  Hopefully sometime this week I will have time to do this mountain of laundry I have been growing.  I never realized just how tiring laundry can be.

My feet and my hands are still numb which is causing me some issues at work since I simply cannot type as fast as I used to.  But all I can do is all I can do...if it isn't enough, I guess they can send me home.

I am super done in tonight....I think I'll feed my dogs and hit the hay.

I wish you all the best of all good things.  I pray for those of you that I know are struggling with things and I hope you include me in your prayers as well.  I certainly know I would be nowhere right now without the ernest prayers of the faithful.

God is so good to me, He provides for my needs daily, He carries me when my feet fail and so far He hasn't let me fall on my face.  I am very grateful.  And so grateful for the friends I have that allow themselves to be used on the daily.  I am certainly very blessed in spite of all the challanges I have.

Pray with intention for every issue you know.  Speaking it counts.

I love you all.   

I Ain't A-Skeered of You!

It's Halloween!  All my life this has been my favorite time.  Not because of all the negative connotations of this event, but because of the great memories I have from childhood.  But today certainly put a particular twist on things for me.

I had a radiology consult today (more on that later) but my friend Theresa and I were placed in an exam room to wait.  In a while a young lady came in and she was wearing an orange jumpsuit, had a do-rag tied on her head and she was heavily tatted in the face and neck area.  I mean did it enter my mind what day it was, no.  And after she took all my information and left, I remarked to Theresa that I wondered why they put their nurses in the equivalent of prison garb.  We chuckled over that fact until the doctor walked in wearing a policeman's outfit.  Then the day turned out to be pretty funny.  All the doctors were dressed as LEOs and all the staff were "prisoners."  They had mug shots on the hallway walls and their theme was "Lock Up Cancer."  And those tattoos?  Total fake.  Decals......every.single.one.  But totally believable!  I may have to have one.

While all this was super fun I did come away feeling pretty good about going forward with radiation.  This doctor showed me pictures of where my remaining tumors are and he was optimistic about being able to impact on them both in a positive way.  The Radiologist in NWA kind of gave me a "doom and gloom" prognosis about the small node high in my left side, basically saying he didn't think it was treatable.  He had me scared.  Luckily, for me, getting daily radiation that requires an hour travel time wasn't feasilble so I opted to have this portion done locally.  I told the doctor that I am trying to fight this and need someone to fight it with me....to be invested in helping me live not preparing me for the end.  I am a realist, I know I'm not here for 20 more years (even in the best of health), but I'd like to turn this page and have a few years that aren't cancer driven.  He assured me that he would do everything he could to help me do that.

Leaving the clinic, I stopped to talk to a young man and asked him if he had his wand with him because my feet and hands could use a little magic.  This is what he was wearing complete with ligtening bolt scar on his forehead.

 Long live the joy of dressing up and pretending to be someone else for a minute.

All I can pretend to be is a hairless cat.

May you all have good news today, no matter how small.

Waiting to Exhale

It is almost 8 am and by this time a year ago, we had already switched from tending to the needs and wants of my precious husband.  Now, we were expected to get about the business of realizing the crushing import of his life ending.  Fast.....all we have ever been able to say about the month leading up to this day....it went fast.

We weren't ready.  How do you prepare yourself to lose the glue that held so much together for so many people.  You can't.  Instead you just flip that switch on your internal cockpit that says "Autopilot" and away you go.

As a wife, you are right away thrust into this new reality.  You live in the same house with all the familiar things but the beating heart of your life is missing.  No longer do you hear "Hey Babe, can you come here for a minute?"  The patio door doesn't open as often.  There's no damp paper towel wadded up in the sink and you suddenly find you have trouble breathing.

Oh, sometimes, your ragged breath is torn from you in uncontrollable sobbing as your white hot tears trace now familiar patterns down your face.  Looking in the mirror you are shocked to find there is no scarring left behind that is evident to others.  No.....the scarring is on your heart and it seizes with memories that make you gasp and hold your treacherous breath....afraid to let it go....what if those memories go with it?

But, then you realize....those memories of the man you loved are so much a part of the fabric of your being, you couldn't lose them if you tried.  His face is as clear today as it was a year ago and the things that made him special are living and breathing in his children, in his friends....and in you.

My husband was kind, tolerant, gentle, compassionate, selfless, understanding, patient, encouraging, dedicated, loving, witty, shy and patient.  And he was a million other things....but he was my everything.  From the moment we caught each other's eyes around a convenience store gas pump, there was no one else on earth for me.  And never once did he give me reason to think he might prefer to be tethered to someone else.  And most importantly, he never gave me cause to be afraid of him.

I could write hundreds of pages about what he meant and still means to me, but somehow it seemed better to keep this like Roger....simple.  And so my love.....today I exhaled and I found I had no need to worry.  You are still with me, you still comfort me in the night and you are still my forever.

 

                                       "Devotion is love with wings" - Nietzsche

Needles and Pins-a

 

My 6th and final round of chemo proved to be a demon.  Always before I waa able to get to the point of feeling better after a brutal follow up week.  The last one is still hanging around but I think we may be approaching the final leg of that particular journey.

Maybe the fact that I just decided that I would do whatever it took to get on top of it.

So, in the spirit of transparency I will tell you that this child of the 60's aka Hippie Wanna Be did in fact embrace the benefits of medical marijuana.  And, yesterday I experienced accupuncture for the first time.  Both of these things have helped.  My feet are still not great but yesterday I was able to navigate life without "Matilda" (my walker).  Matilda and I have a bit of love hate relationship as she likes to go off on her own from time to time because I forget to lock her brakes.  I do love the fact that she is like having a purse on wheels to hold all my stuff.  But...she is a "friend" I was not ready to love therefore, we tolerate each other.

The accupuncture really did help.  My mattress is very old and the position I have had to sleep in (I fall in a divot) for months because of my feet has not done my sciatic nerves any favors.  Last night I was able to fall asleep without my cold therapy socks for the first time in I can't remember when.  I woke up at 5:30 am and had not been up even once all night (also not usual).  I am celebrating these little wins and giving all glory to God for putting the right people in my orbit to make truly helpful suggestions.  And praise God I am willing to be open to practically anything that might help move me forward in my treatment path in the hope that I can stand after this as a survior and a thriver.

My son and THE ANGELA are here again this weekend to hang out with me and do my bidding.  I enjoy them being here.  My son and I have a similar twisted sense of humor and he makes me laugh....sometimes when I shouldn't.  And Angie is a little cyclone of busyness so I just sit back and let her work.

Last year on this day we were preparing to bring Roger home from NWA.  After all the twists and turns, the starts and stops, plans and disappointments, we had realized we had just a little time to utilize and we wanted to be home.  Roger was concerned that he looked a looked a little rough around the edges and so this happened:

I just love this picture....there is something so tender and sweet about Rick serving his Dad by trimming his facial hair.  This is love, respect, and honor visualized.  Rick has taken on board the words his Dad gave him about going forward in life and every day I see evidence of his desire to live in the way his Dad did.  Not only did he make his Dad a priority during those last precious days, but he has also made me one during this journey I am on.  I am very grateful for him and his wife, Paula.  I know Roger asked them to make sure I was okay and they have certainly embraced that instruction....Roger has to be proud.

I just love the fact that my husband looks totally at peace while this trim is happening.  He was talking throughout this process and I just sat back and watched, joyous that these 2 had this moment together.

On this day a year ago, my time with my husband was speeding to the finish line and all I wanted was to hide him away and keep him for myself.  But he was so loved by so many people and time was so limited, I had to share him.  I sat in a lot of corners, watching and listening....but I never let him see me cry.  For Roger, I only had smiles and little inside jokes and naughty innuendos (he loved those.)  He was the best thing that ever happened to me on earth apart from my children and I will strive everyday to be a person he would be proud of....the person he always believed I already was.

This song really isn't a great one but I included it because it is the title of this post.  If you listen to it tell me if you this the Searchers just threw a bunch of random words into a salad bowl and then strung them together with music.  I give you Needles and Pins-a by The Searchers!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugDXpdjmpgw

Have a wonderful weekend.......tell someone you love them....somewhere someone is waiting to hear they are valued.

LKB

Why Not Me?

When life is challenging, it is so easy to ask God...."Why Me?"

Why did my life have to become a year long journey of struggle, pain, crushing grief, and daily uncertainty?

I've spent some time in this corner wondering exactly what I ever did (or didn't do) to warrant this seemingly losing hand of cards I've been dealt.

But the more I asked "Why me?" I kept hearing "Why NOT you?"  Exactly what would entitle me to escape the chance to put my own belief system to the test.  I'm not special....I'm not privileged....I'm not insulated from the trouble that comes with living.on this mortal earth.

So, why not me.  Wouldn't I take everything life has thrown at me this past year if I could save someone I loved from having to endure it?  And shouldn't I welcome the opportunity to take a walk of faith with God?  More and more, my answer was YES.  Gladly.  Has it been easy?  No.  Have I slid down into the abyss more than once?  Absolutely.

The very real human me faltters at times and on more than one occasion I have simply wanted to throw in the towel and just give up.  I've wrestled with despair and I've been tired of trying....A LOT.  But, I've never been much of a quitter and so I've hung on with a ton of help from people who care about me.  People who have stepped up and stepped in and didn't quit on me.

Yesterday, I had better news than I've had in a while.  News that encouraged me to keep on trying.  My feet are still dead, likewise my hands but still I am encouraged to not give up.  And honestly, that may not change.  Overcoming the human frailties of negativity and sadness are hard but there are harder things than those oddly enough.

Do you struggle with grief?  Try grief with a heaping helping of cancer and treatments and all the side effects that come with it.  Worried about your job?  Try not being able to work because physically you cannot A) Drive yourself there B) Perform well because of all the left behind physical limitations of your illness and C) By the time your work day is about to start all you can manage is finding clean pajamas and going to bed.  You start to look at things differently and you recognize that you really are not in control of much except your own walk with God.  And, you start to lean in.  

Your prayers become different and your faith grows deeper.  And, you realize how lucky you are to be able to manifest a very real relationship with your maker.  From the beginning, I wanted this journey to serve something....someone....anyone.  What a shock to realize....it served me.  It served me self-reflection, a deeper understanding of what I have a right to as a child of God.  It served me humility and honesty and it served me that quiet gentle voice in the night assuring me that I need not fear because God was with me.  And He was hearing me when no one else was listening.

I learned early on in life that there is no bargain you can srike with God.  You are His and you have nothing He wants other than your absolute trust.  

And so in these wee hours of a long night....I found myself called to write a testimony of sorts.  One year ago today....this was my reality:

I miss his hand holding mine.  But, I know that when his let go he knew God would take my hand and hold me safe.  So, in these struggles Why NOT me?  But, also.....in looking for a good outcome with maybe a little Divine intervention....Why not ME, as well.

Never let go, never give up, and believe better days are coming, prayer works and you can find peace in God's unrelenting love for you. 

 

Lost Highways

October 28, 2018....get lost with me my darling. Nearly 7 years ago this was my memory.

Yesterday we spontaneously took a trip to the big city of Lavaca, AR to eat at a little drive-in owned by a friend (R & A Drive In - it was great), locals will remember the famous L & J Drive In (Greenwood)...this little spot has that same feel and same good food...I mean who can't love a burger basket that comes with a salad?

After taking some time to eat and discuss the problem of life both on a world wide scope and a personal level...I mentioned I hadn't spent any time in Lavaca in all the years I had been in Arkansas. Roger said "well, we will drive it sign to sign and that way you can say you've truly been here."

Somehow the sign to sign turned into over an hour of driving some little traveled highways with some gorgeous scenic views, a few pockets of road where the trees grew together shutting out the sun and making cool, quiet, peaceful areas of blissful shade from the glaring sun.

It was late in this journey when my husband said "I don't know why I don't have my Google maps turned on" and did so. We had wandered far off track and instead of just seeing Lavaca sign to sign we also saw Charleston sign to sign. I was grateful to see civilization because I needed modern facilities by that point. It was a trip of good conversation, lots of laughter and me crossing my legs to prevent embarrassment. I came home and my blood pressure was waaaay down. I need to be lost with my husband more often....he is good for my spirit and good for my mind. Thank you sweetheart for losing yourself with me years ago....I am lost without you now.

**Cancer update** Today was the FIRST day in this last round of chemo that I have felt anything close to normal. I have been able to navigate my house today without the walker. Mind you I'm not quick nor am I steady but I have been mobile. My feet are still not present and accounted for and my hands are trash, but I can take little a little progress over none at all. Little things like loading the dishwasher, doing a load of laundry or carrying out my trash feel like Blue Ribbon winners to me right now. I had a good visit with my friend Rachel and that was good for my social life (which is pretty limited to doctors and nurses right now.) And tonight, my son and his Angie will be back for the weekend. We plan low key with lots of food.

I wish I'd met you sooner, so I could have loved you longer but I will love you until there is no more me here without you. I hope you always knew you were always my favorite moments.
 

Shock and Awe

Nothing on earth made any of us happier than to coax laughter from my husband.  He had a great sense of humor, but he was sometimes hard to get laughter started with.  Ricky could always make him laugh and over time, I developed the knack for it too...although it usually meant I had to do something really careless or dumb...but we got there.

One thing my husband knew about me was "I am an over-thinker."  You would think that meant that I rarely did careless or dumb things, but it didn't.  It seems the more I over-though stuff, the more likely I was to really step in it.

During the course of our marriage there were a few years Roger lived and worked in Kansas City while I kept the home fires burning here in Arkansas.  Our ultimate goal was to relocate there but than plan went all pear shaped and never happened.

But, when your husband is hours away and you overthink, you get in a lot of little tangles....all by yourself.

It was during this time we had the sister dogs Betty and Vernoica (aka The Shredder Sisters) and their lives contributed greatly to almost daily events worth writing about.  But for brevities sake, I will confine this to one event I will always call Shock and Awe.

We were still fairly new dog owners then and hadn't evolved to our preferred level of fanaticism so we were still learning.  The sisters were barkers, we live in town.  I hate dogs that just stand in yards and bark for fun....so I employed shock collars.  I know I know, I'm sorry.  But you will see I paid the price for this decision.

One day, I was changing the batteries in the collars and as I finished the task, the collar emitted a soft little "beep" and click, my mind engaged.  Did this hurt them?  Surely their fur protected them from real pain.  Overthinking..............How can I make sure I'm not harming them?  Overthinking..........  And, by now you know where we are headed here I'm sure.

Pressing one pronged control box to my throat, I made a deep and satisfying BARK.  I think I passed out, I woke up on the floor having wet my pants.  My vocal cords had seized up and I couldn't make a sound.  My eyesight was blurred and the sisters were standing there telegraphing "see, now you know, don't you?"

It took a while but when I regained vocal function I called my husband and started to tell him what I'd done.  He was obviously very busy as he rushed me off the phone and with a strangling sound in his voice assured me he would call me right back.  RUDE!

Finally my phone rang but it wasn't him.  It was someone that worked with him asking me what I had said to him because he was rolling on the floor of his office with tears running down his face.  In the background I could hear him laughing.

This event became great holiday entertainment that year as everyone had to try it and they went so far as to eventually branch out into a TENS unit with some pretty hilarious and sometimes unfortunate results.

In spite of it all, making Roger laugh was worth it.  

**Cancer update- yesterday was too big a day.  It wore me all the way out....not much has gotten done today.  But I live to fight another day.  Neuropathy in my feet seems some better but not enough that I am confident enough to just take out on a hike.  My hands are still gone.  Typing is "iffy" so apologies in advance for typos.  I am so hopeful that by the time the weekend blows through I have seen some improvement.  I'd like to go to work....I'd like to be with productive people....I'd like to feel like a person again and not a sick one.

But, today....I hope you laughed.

 

Slip Slidin' Away

A year ago we were in full fall with Roger's medical issues.  We could no more process our information and formulate a plan than we would jerked back from that into a whole new direction.  It was like being strapped to a run-a-way roller coaster car hurtling toward the ground.  The one thing we knew for sure "this is going to hurt."  Hurt it did.  It still does.  And those events make today's events seem bigger, meaner, nastier and more cruel than I could ever imagine.

He was my internal engine.  My heart thrummed in response to his....living without him wasn't fathomable.  Until it had to be.  

Today, I have trouble even going back a  year and thinking on these days that have passed so quickly....because I have no answers for the why then and I have none for the why now?

It seems every new day that dawns on my own situation today brings new concerns, new fears, new worries that I am ill equipped to deal with.

THIS IS A LOT!

What started out seeming like a fairly "I can do this" situation is going south rapidly.  After finishing chemo and ringing that magic bell, I keep getting bad news, new information and it's beginning to look like I'm going to struggle to get this handled.  I have a PET scan next week which will hopefully shine the bright light of clarity on what is happening with me and I'm working to be okay with whatever that looks like.  I know the One who holds me and I know that whatever His plan is will be the best for me but wow, facing your mortality is hard....especially when you still feel you have so much more to do here.

It isn't just cancer that drives the train.  It is everything.  The toll it takes on others, the pain you feel that you show and worse the pain you feel that you hide.  Your mind whispers secrets to you....dripping poison into your thoughts, clouding your judgement, robbing you of quiet.  Your body is no longer recognizable to you....it betrays you on the daily by not working well, and not caring how hard it is to try to look at yourself while seeing someone not even remotely familiar to you.

The person who mowed your lawn can barely walk outside without a walker, teetering around on numb and faulty feet.  Your fingers that once could hand bind a quilt can barely manage to open a zip lock bag.  You are looking at someone that is quickly becoming helpless and you can't pull the brake.

And to make it a tri-fecta of misery....you are trying to overcome an avalanche without the benefit of the one thing that made everything in your life do-able.  You have lost that heartbeat that jump started your own and you have never felt less alive.  No matter what they say, grief makes everything worse and no one....let me repeat that....no one who has not lost their "person" in life can or will ever understand the level of pain that simply never leaves you.

It isn't just that this is hard....I know hard.  I've done hard.  But this....has taught me a master class in simply managing.  I have moments when I'm very proud of what I've been able to do in the past year.  And then, moments when I feel like the world's biggest screw up and wonder how I've managed to not walk into traffic on a bad day.  Pretty sure I'm not unique there.

So, today on this day of yet another doctor's appointment with new information, conflicting information and looks that telegraph a level of concern unfamiliar to you....I again wait.  Wait for next week....wait for clarity.  Wait for someone to magically have answers to questions I am still afraid to ask.  And I know that I would 100% be fine with whatever came if I wasn't alone without the person that made everything alright for me.  Because one thing we did for each other was protect the other.  We were stronger together because neither of us wanted the other to worry or hurt.

And still, I praise God that He has had a open highway to reclaim my heart as His own.  Just because I miss my earthly partner does not diminish the gratitude I have for God's infinite mercy in my life.  He has given me a good run here.  I hope it continues a while longer.....I'm not as quick as I used to be and there is much to bring together in tidy packages.  

I am also grateful for those of you who tolerate these random ramblings which today are pretty morose.  I promised real....I haven't lied.  Wherever my mind settles on a given day drives the narrative of my writing.  So....be of good cheer.....I am female....I may wake up tomorrow on a cloud of euphoria and regale you with a story of being stuck on a fence in pursuit of a dog.  Or one about being attacked by a high pressure water hose....or simply being lost on a long drive with the love of my life on a mild spring day eating pizza out of box and loving every second of it.

 

October 2 - A Day That Lives In My Personal Infamy

 

But first, yesterday.  I had a follow up with my surgeon.  Not a great day.  After surgery....My people who were there for that and cognizent of the surgeon's post surgery talk all told me he said there was still a tumor that would need to be addressed as some point.   That message was relayed to me when I was able to understand.  But....during his discharge talk to me I asked about that and he walked it back saying he didn't say that, he consulted with his surgical notes and said "nope, I got everything I was after."  Well, guess what?  Apparently, he did not. This has a been the source of the internal bleeding that I have dealt with throughout chemo.  I literally do not know how to deal with this.  It was a Debbie Downer of a day.  He also said I need to start radiation sooner rather than later in "hopes" of getting this nasty little traveller.  And.......that my neuropathy is so severe he cannot say with any confidence it will get better.  Given my already huge challenges personally and otherwise, none of this "made my day."

And not going to lie....it makes the next month even harder for me to journey.  You see 1 year ago, we were dealing with what we thought was a simple dislocated shoulder on my husband.  After 2 weeks of nattering with our local VA clinic, we finally opted to go to the big clinic in NWA.  But, honestly if locally they had been "listening" we could have saved ourselves a lot of time, heartache and pain for our whole family.

Because, my husband's shoulder was the very least of his problems.  Turns out he was literally eaten up with cancer that we could have dealt with in a much more peaceful and quiet manner.....at home...in hospice....with ease of family access and love.  We didn't get that.  We got the knee jerk reactionary responses to each new wrinkle being served up....a wild ambulance drive down the mountain and a few days to cram in a lifetime of "I love yous", "I'm sorries", and "I will do what you ask of me's."  All done in too short a time with too much urgency and sadness.  A year.  It has gone quickly and agonizingly painfully slow all at the same time.  Never a moment my husband's absence is not noticeable....ever.  Never a day my tears don't fall from the sheer weight of missing his strength and assurance in my life.  Never a minute I don't think "oh, I need to call Roger and tell him.....". 

Right now, my life is on a tipping point.  I have no idea how to manage this.  I have some people I try really hard not to "use" but it becomes harder and harder to figure out every day when life keeps serving up steaming platters of challenges that I am quickly losing the bandwidth to deal with or even care about.  I am trying so hard to be positive and look at brighter pictures.  But, today....October 2 is the harbinger of everything that went swirling down the sewer a year ago and hasn't stopped yet.  It appears the real challenges of life for me right now will be how to maintain some semblance of the life I have opposed to the one I seem to be forced to live.

So, today....this is my struggle, my challenge and my life.  I will crawl out of this hole, the same way I crawled out of every day over the past 3 to 4 months short term and 12 months long term.  But prayers it will take in abundance and a renewed leaning in on God with the understanding that my life is ultimately His and He will reclaim it when He is ready.  His will is always perfect and perfect in His timing.

May you all have good days ahead and may you feel the prayers I say for you daily.  God knows you too....reach for Him....His hand is already there.

Love and Light from a longer tunnel. - Lavetta

Cold Socks, Short Walks and Not Much Small Talk

Par for the course...Day 3 proved to be "move-in" day for joint pain and neuropathy overload.  I am wanting to say that this time doesn't seem quite as bad this time but I'm crossing fingers and toes (not really - that isn't even remotely possible)....just in case.

I'm utilizing the cold socks, trying to stay off my feet as much as possible and staying ahead of that pain in the joints to the best of my ability.  But, it takes some focus, therefore I'm not much of a communicator right now.  I sleep.....alot.

I have a fluid infusion this week so I'm hoping I am up to making the trip for that because those usually help me quite a bit.  

Things here are rolling as well as can be expected.  Dogs are happy....they like their Aunt Janet and she keeps them engaged with.  I'm no fun right now....don't I know it?

So, this is just a quickie from the sickie to let you know it's going per the usual cancer wise....and I'm hoping this is the slidin' into home for this part.  But....meanwhile.....let's talk about this:

After we allowed Jessie to acquire us, it was apparent she was no ordinary dog.  The dog was brilliant...there was nothing she couldn't learn.  She had the ability to turn the most random things into games that she insisted all humans participate in.  She was an amazing frisbee dog and I'm guessing Roger must have thrown that frisbee a few million times.  She was a "show off" for sure.

But, we took her to obedience classes....you have to have some control on an animal that smart.  She graduated 2 weeks early....this is her graduation photo.  

My fond memory today is trips with Jessie and my favorite guy.  If Roger and I had a child together....it was Jessie.

Have a blessed week....be kind and remember somewhere there is someone who could use a little more of the good in life.  Be grateful for what you have....take nothing for granted....even our challenges are gifts wrapped up in crappy paper.  Tear them open and look for the soft centers.

 

Short Trips - No Slips

Following past treatments' time line, today was a fairly good day so we crammed the morning with minor errands and then came home to rest.

I finally went and got all my little whispy random left behind hair strands buzzed off (since chemo is done).  Now I look like a cue ball.

Then we attended the Grand Opening of 5 Sip'N Sisters lovely little tea shoppe in Greenwood.  I do not have words to describe how much I want success for this family of hard working little boss chicks.  No one deserves it more or will work harder for it.  They also are "give bakers"  with support for their community and great love and support for their friends and customers.  Go get a big chunk of life girls!  They are at #6 Town Square in Greenwood, AR.

Bought some stuff at the grocery for beef and noodles tomorrow.  And had to visit a hardware store.  Anyone have a solution for an invasion of frogs and toads.  The above ground swimming pool swamp next door sounds like the Okefenokee Swamp.  And they seem to love to camp out on my patio now.  If it isn't birds trying to nest, it's big giant green frogs.  Ughd!

Then this tired old body laid down for a rest and woke up 4 hours later.  But I managed my trip without being terribly unsteady on my feet, but I can feel neuropathy and joint pain approaching the door.  Soon they will knock and come inside and some pretty harsh days will follow.  But, I've survived 5 of these weeks....I can and WILL survive this one too.  I am grateful my sister is here to look after my boys and fetch and carry stuff for me.  I try very hard to not over work her...she's pretty little....and I'm a lot.

This week will be a no work for me....just resting, sleeping, complaining and being cranky.  I have a consult with the radiation doctor on the 8th so I guess the next phase is forthcoming shortly.  I have previously requested those be done here in Fort Smith as they are daily for a month and I'm not into going up the mountain every day.  There are plenty of trips up there already for follow ups etc.  I am so hoping that radiation will not be as intense as chemo was....I've been told it is better....so we pray that is true.

Today, I remember the day I married my husband.  It was a "3rd time is the charm" situation for us both.  Between us we had 6 children...only 2 out of high school.  It was a truly a God sent proposition.  We knew each other....had lived in the same town, he coached my son's baseball team.  I had been a home room mother for one of his boys.  But one day we found our single solitary selves gassing up at the same C-Store that neither of us typically frequented.  I gave him my number and told him to call me some time.  He didn't.  And I forgot.  Then one day my phone rang and it was him, we made a date for that night.  After that night we were rarely apart.  We navigated some pretty ugly water during our marriage.  But, we were always rowing in the same direction....to try to get to calmer shores and safer depths.  We knew everything about each other....there were no secrets held.  The trust was hard built but once it was....it was deep and steady.  We had tiffs, we ran away...but always ran back faster.  He was my heart beat and his last text message to me said "you are the very air I breathe."  That was enough.  He was the finest person I have ever known and I miss him every second of every day.  But I am so glad he has been spared this illness of mine.  Because he hated for anyone he loved to be sick and he would worry himself too much with it.  Here we are on our wedding day....our friend Tom Hughes took our wedding pictures and I love that they are "vintage" black and whites.  It fits.

"So they are no longer two, but one flesh.  Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."

                                                                    -Matthew 19:6

                                            "There'll never be anyone else, for me, but you."

 

Accomplishments We Celebrate and Other Events

 

Video is a bit blurry...it lost some resolution in transfer but hopefully it does reflect my excitement at this milestone moment of my journey.  I realize I still have a ways to go which will hopefully be better and less traumatic going forward.  Here is your's truly ringing the bell that signifies the end of my chemo treatments.  Now to get through the post treatment side effects and a return to function for my hands and feet.

I didn't post pictures of some of my favorite new friends in the Infusion Suite because I didn't get their permission to do so but they were there clapping and helping me celebrate.  These people won't mind me sharing their pictures.  Just a small part of my great support unit.

My wonderful friends Clay and Susan Pruitt.  Susan is also a cancer survivor and has been a great source of inspiration and advice.  Clay is simply Clay...Johnny on the spot with help of any kind.  Grateful for them!

And my little sister to whom has fallen the task of dealing with me for the last two chemo treatment's post week stress.  Super thankful for her....she's put her whole life on hold to help.

I've learned a lot over the course of this treatment.  About myself, about other people, about this illness and treatment and how to manage all of it.  I can honestly say, I did this exactly the way I wanted to.  I took other people's advice and suggestions on board and thought on them and ultimately did what I believed was right for me, my cancer and my treatment and hopefully my recovery long term.  I am grateful I chose Highland in NWA for this portion of my path....they were universally kind, compassionate and loving toward everyone I saw in treatment.  They truly were 100% positive experiences from beginning to end.

I maintained my desire to always show up for appointments and treatments looking the best I possibly could.  I wanted to hopefully offer a gentler picture of what we were all struggling with because frankly, my first appointment scared me stupid.  People just looked so very very sick, so hopeless and frail.  I hope by greeting people with a cheery greeting, bright clothing, and a smiling face wearing makeup it took me forever to apply, someone's day was made a little better.

With you all, I've been more real.  I showed you the misery of post treatment days, I've been honest with you about the ups and downs and I've hopefully shown you than leaning into God was pivotal in my journey.  I know the strength to carry through to the end came solely from his Divine Mercy and Eternal Love for this miserable child of His.....I can do nothing without Him.  And I am drawing ever nearer because this next month is going to be a personal hell for me.  Reliving the events of a year ago when I lost my heart beat that walked through life with me is going to be very tough.  I am going to try to spend the days from October 2 through October 23 reliving happy moments in my marriage to Roger.  So this blog will be a twofer going forward.  It will update on the cancer journey and it will also talk about my magnificent husband and things we experienced in our journey together.  I hope you don't mind.

In closing, I spent the first half of today doing a follow up fluid infusion and will likely do another on Monday if I can make the trip up the mountain.  But this was today, I'm not as excited as I was yesterday....because I'm tired.  I ran on sheer adrenaline all yesterday and couldn't sleep last night.  But it's been a good day today and I think for dinner I'm getting hot dogs and ice cream.  A girl can ask for little else.

Things I've learned: Never set your purse in a sink that has a sensor to activate the water flow.  I've done this twice now and flooded my purse.  But do I learn?  Apparently.....no.

"The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy" - Psalm 126:3

The Short Rows

In farming, completing the short rows signals that the overall work in the field is almost finished.

In looking for a "hook" for these final days running up to the completion of chemotherapy I could find nothing more appropriate to use.

Next week will bring about Round 6 and what has been promised to be the end of the slow poisoning of my entire being.

Were we successful?  We still don't know and I'm not entirely sure if we ever will.  All I know is that like the farmers in my DNA I rolled the dice on having a good outcome with some time left over at the end to fulfill whatever purpose God has for me here.

My doctors appointment Tuesday brought some lifting of my spirits as we discussed ways to hopefully make this round a little less traumatic.  Each time I speak with a medical professional about this process I learn things.  Being the age I am I was taught to trust and respect authority and vast education so most of my life I've just kept silent and put myself into supposedly wiser better hands.  That is not always the case that is best.  

We are all individuals with different neurons firing, different levels of tolerance and a lot of variables in our situations that make our experiences unique to just us.

Tuesday, I learned that I should be worn completely out.  I ought to be so tired I feel like I could just lay down and slip away.  I am severely anemic and there's nothing that can be done right now.  Chemo is a killer and it kills without caring about good things vs bad things.  It just poisons.  I've struggled with the neuropathy throughout the whole process and it turns out my reactions in this regard aren't usual either.  Perhaps this was my tit for tat for not ever having a nauseous moment.  Big gratitude for this, for sure!

But, none of us were ready for me having such a radical diminishing in my ability to walk, or use my hands.  Even my worsening eyesight is a nasty little gift from peripheral neuropathy.  And, right at the moment, I feel more like a seriously disabled person than anything else.  Unsteady, teetering around, feet like unresponsive anchors tethering me to the ground, hands that can't perform simple small tasks and an exhaustion level that makes the act of getting dressed almost more than I can think about.

Because these issus are so profound they once again are going to adjust down the level of one of the chemo drugs known to cause neuropathy (the last adjustment didn't work), but fingers crossed for this one.  They are also building into my treatment schedule for Round 6 every other day infusions of fluids if I think those might help.  And, I have to say, those drips do often pull me back from the abyss....so, again....hopefully optimistic.

I face this final round with more than a little dread but I still find hope that this time won't be as bad as last time.  I have a baby sitter on board to stay with me throughout the week following because the difference that made last round was HUGE!  Not having to deal with the the everyday little household jobs was life saving for me.  But I do hate that I have been forced to be so dependent on anyone....but that too, is learning for me....and humbling.

Mentally, I am trying to hold it together as I walk into this anniversary of losing the one person who could have held me safe throughout this time.  I have missed him so badly...but sometimes I hear his cliched phrases "we'll get through this, we always do", "don't worry....everything is going to be fine" and "you are always beautiful to me" and I'm comforted.  This illness is lonely and isolating.  It is also uncomfortable and sad.  But, in many ways it is also beautiful because especially here in the short rows of this toxic little farm you see the true character of people.  You see beautiful hearts you never expected.  Visits from long ago friends, door dashed meals, or home cooked offerings, the care of my little dogs, the rides to and from appointments, the Sunday afternoons on the lake just soaking in nature, the little gifts, the BIG gifts, the messages, the calls, the guys at work that walk around specifically to hug my neck and ask if I need anything.  People these are huge!

I don't appreciate the word "struggle" when it refers to me, but I've had to admit that I have struggled some with certain aspects of this journey.  I don't know if there's a end to that....time will tell.  I do know that I have changed and I honestly think it has been for the better.  I've never been weak or helpless but I have found out I am stronger than I ever realized I was.  I've also realized that my strength is not Me-Made.  I turned everything over to God.  If it needs fixing, I just need to allow Him to step between me and whatever the challenge is.  I said at the beginning, I'm not driving this car....at this point I'm not even walking this road on my own feet.  As mine falter, God leans in and keeps me standing.  And He has made sure that He positioned the right people in places of genuine need.  His wisdom amazes me.

So....pray for those I've always asked it for, and pray for those who stand ready here to help during this last hurrah.  Pray, I get to ring that bell and celebrate an end to this phase of row cropping and that somewhere out there is some brilliant mind who may tomorrow shout "Eureka!  I've found a cure!"

"The Lord is the strength of His people, a fortress of salvation for His anointed One.  Save your people and bless your inheritance: be their shepherd and carry them forever." -Psalm 28: 8-9

But this......please know you are not lost....God knows exactly where you are and he's reaching for your hand.